Will Type For Food


Friday, February 16, 2018

In order to clarify matters

In order to clarify matters, here are my preferred pronouns:

Obnoxious old fart (2nd person)
Cantankerous antique bag full of wrinkles (3rd person)
Discarded toe-nail in a sack of pus (2nd person reflexive)
Malodorous hirpling excrescences (2nd person plural)
Grasping grizzling glabulous gnome (possessive)
I, me, my (1st person)

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

SWOON! It's Valentine's Day poetry time!

Translations of old love poems into modern terminology

My love is like an earnings sheet
In profit after tax;
My love is like an office that's
Productive to the max.
If I chart out, my fiscal love,
How deep in love am I,
You'll find a healthy balance sheet
At least til EOFY.

- Robert Burns, 'A Red, Red Rose'.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

A digression concerning cats

Now don't get me wrong. I think cats have many important duties to perform for this nation, such as getting you to open the door in the middle of winter and then sitting in it and neither going in nor out so you can't close the door while the cold winds sweep through your house. Or catching a mouse and then eating half of it and dropping the other half in your slipper for you to stand on. Or vomiting a furball on your feet while you are in bed just because.

But: it occurred to me yesterday - and I have never once altered my opinion since - that cats should not be Prime Ministers. No, there is no use arguing with me otherwise. I am convinced on this.

Oh, it would all start so innocently:

MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION: And so, Mr Speaker, I am convinced that I must therefore argue against the government's policy that the door should remain open at all times. I therefore...

CAT PRIME MINISTER: (Stands up) Miaow!

MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION: I therefore say that...


MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION: Oh all right, I can't argue with that. (Opens door). 

But then, it would quickly turn into a nightmarish dystopia:

MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION: Mr Speaker, there is no way I can support the position the Prime Minister and his party are arguing today, that we should declare war on all midgets, make sexism compulsory in all schools, and leave the door open at the one time! It is simply...

CAT PRIME MINISTER: (Stands up) Miaow!






CAT PRIME MINISTER: Miaaaaaaaaaaaaow!

MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION: Oh, all right, have it your way. (War is declared on all midgets, sexism made compulsory in all schools, and door pushed open). 

In conclusion, the end.

(What do you mean, get out more? I get out quite enough, thanks very much. I get out as often as I want to. And my cats agree with me.)

Friday, February 02, 2018

Abolish emotions to stop this nonsense from happening

Birds of a feather may flock together, but United Airlines recently shot down one traveler’s request to bring her emotional support peacock on a flight departing Newark Liberty International Airport. Woman denied emotional support peacock on United flight.

Well I say all this emotional support nonsense has got to stop. What next? Emotional support humans?


(SCENE: A busy airport. A long queue of people are filing on to the plane, giving their tickets to the HOSTESS to scan in. MS SPLODGER and her HUMAN approach.) 

HOSTESS: (Absent-mindedly). Ticket, please! (Takes ticket). Wait a minute. What's that you've got with you?

MS SPLODGER: Oh, this? (Indicates HUMAN). I hope you don't mind. That's just my Emotional Support Human.


MS SPLODGER: Don't worry! It's quite tame, and native to this area! There's a little colony of humans not far from here.

HOSTESS: I'm sorry. We have a strict rule. No animals on this flight.

MS SPLODGER: Oh, I simply can't travel without my human! I get terribly anxious. (Pats it behind ears.) 

HUMAN: (Begins making noises) I will be ready to produce the reports by Monday! I love the sunshine but am depressed by the rain. How awesome is healthy eating? Lets action that after our meeting!

MS SPLODGER: Look! (Giggles). It's so cute. It's like the sounds it makes almost mean something!

HOSTESS: That's lovely, Ms Splodger, but we really can't. Some of other passengers might have allergies.

HUMAN: I really like having a beer with my mates!

MS SPLODGER: (Face falls). What am I supposed to do with it? It's domesticated! I can't just leave it out in the wild.

HOSTESS: Do you have someone who can take care of it until you get back?

MS SPLODGER: Oh, my uncle I suppose, but really...

HOSTESS: (Voice lowering) Look, I'm really not supposed to do this, but we have a seat ready on the next flight. I'll arrange for you to have it. It's in an hour so it won't set you back too much. Your human is adorable, but we can't have it weeing on the floor of the plane. The company won't allow it. Can you get your uncle to come in and take care of it?

HUMAN: I often vote for the Greens in Parliament!

MS SPLODGER: (Crestfallen) I suppose so. (Takes ticket off hostess and leaves with HUMAN). 

HUMAN: Hard work is the key to success! Let's watch I'm a Celebrity on television tonight! Do you like coffee? (etc etc). 

(The HOSTESS is now approached by an ELEPHANT in an ant suit and an ANT in an elephant suit.) 

HOSTESS: (Takes tickets from them, scans them in and gives them back). Thank you.... enjoy your flight!

(ANT makes lame imitation elephant noise and ELEPHANT makes a far-too-loud ant noise in response). 


Fig 1: A 'human'. 

Friday, January 12, 2018

A tale of two Australias

Seeing as Australia Day is coming up in a week or so I thought I'd set out in a neat dialogue form basically all the arguments everyone will be repeating over the next few days anyway. Never let me say that I don't keep my readers ahead of the curve. 


Happy Australia Day, mate!

- OMFG! How offensive! To say such things about Invasion Day!
- Well, I'm offended by your offence!
- You right-wing piece of sh.. .
- No! It should be called Survival Day out of respect for Indigenous people!
- You're both wrong! I love Australia and we have to keep Australia Day just as it is! Otherwise you're basically supporting hijabs for kangaroos and halal Vegemite sandwiches!
- How could you say such things! Celebration at a time like this! It's highly hurtful to all the Indigenous people I know!
- YOU LIE! I totally know an Indigenous person too, or at least I met a guy once at a pub, and they totally don't want the date changed because it would be just more patronising bullshit coming from whitey!
- Wrong! It will only be patronising if we don't move the date! Let's find an Indigenous person and ask them!
- Don't look at me, I'm staying out of this conversation.
- I'm so ashamed of this country!
- I'm even more ashamed!
- I'm the most ashamed! We have nothing to celebrate! Why have Australia Day at all? I'm so sick of patriotism!
- If you don't like it, why don't you le...
- No, you're racist!
- You have no idea what racism is, you lower-case illiterate inbred...
- Seriously, if you think we're all invaders and this is still Aboriginal land, isn't it racist for you NOT to leave?
- Shut up! We all have to come together as a country, not engage in this divisive...
- Come together and celebrate Australia Day, perhaps?
- No! That's racist too!
- Unless Indigenous people are celebrating.
- That's kind of a grey area.... anyway, if we joined in their celebrations, wouldn't we be appropriating their culture?
- We can solve everyone's problems always everywhere by moving Australia Day to May 8...
- January 1st....
- July 30...
- Everyone knows Australia Day has been celebrated on 26 January since the dawn of time, it says so right here in the Bible!

*Stands about with friends at a barbecue basically having a really nice time*


Friday, December 22, 2017

We three kings can't orientate: a Christmas carol

We three kings can't orientate

We three kings are rather lost
Wandering from coast to coast -
Westward leading still proceeding
We three kings are rather lost.

We three kings can't work it out
Turn the map around, about -
Westward wending, southward sending,
North and left and upwards tending -
We three kings can't work it out.

We three kings are in despair
Neither here and neither there.
High and low and near and far -
We found the star, we lost the star -
Perhaps we should have gone by car -
We three kings are in despair.

We three kings still bumble on
Fumble flap and stumble on -
Now with footsteps not so fast
As our footsteps in the past
Somehow we'll find the Christ at last
Though this whole trip has been disast...
We three kings still bumble on.

O star of wonder, star of night,
Star with royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Notes instead of cleaning Notes while cleaning

Just empty the dust pan on the ground outside. It can only improve the appearance.

Cleaning really makes you notice all the bits so little nobody would notice unless they were actually cleaning. So be sure to leave a few discreet little piles of dust here and there, otherwise people coming home won't be able to notice. 

The leftover bits of dust  are there for contrast, to set off the swept up portions. It's just like a painting. Light and shade...

The bits under things are a carefully balanced ecosystem, and ought not be disturbed. Under the mat. Under the fridge. Under the bed. Under the pants. Under the roof.

Refuse has magical properties, and will form the most amazing shapes when left to its own devices: naval lint and slut's wool.

You don't clean because of what others will think. You clean because of what you think others will think. The others, meanwhile, are cleaning because of what they think you will think.

Arrange to have plenty of friends accidentally drop in while you are cleaning. It's rude to clean while friends are round, so you won't have to do any more cleaning. Plus it's nice to have friends round.

Once you start cleaning it can be hard to stop cleaning. This problem has an obvious solution.

House mess is a carefully ordered type of chaos that allows us to know where everything is. Cleaning is our way of losing everything all over again.

Nobody bothers tidying the majestic forest, and look how popular that is.

An object that has been dropped on the floor in a few weeks actually becomes the floor. No-one knows quite how this mysterious process happens.

What happens under the bed stays under the bed.

The bits under the cushions of sofas have powerful progenitive properties. If left to their own devices, they will eventually yield untold riches.

It is much easier to mess a tidy room than to tidy a messy room.  In fact, even if left entirely on its own, a room will gradually fill with dust and mess itself.

A sublime mountain range is just a mess a few million years on. 

Friday, December 15, 2017

Youse can all use this

An additional verse to Gerard Nolste Trenité's poem about English spelling, accurately entitled The Chaos. You can read the original poem here.

Additional verse to The Chaos

What shall I say to you of youse,
A use which some don't like to use? 
Some find it gross, I find it grouse,
And often use it round my house. 
But please don't ask me to espouse
Upon the wherefores, whys or hows. 
(Australians use it - not the US - 
Land of St Louis - or St Louis!)

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Boo hoo brouhaha

I don't know what it was exactly, but between the one millionth time the video of Penny Wong crying popped up in my feed and the one million and oneth time the video of Penny Wong crying popped up in my feed, something snapped. What is it with the news media and the news media audience and pictures of politicians crying? But then again, it's a confusing issue. On the one hand, I think my life would be greatly improved if I never saw a politician crying again. On the other hand, who's to say what benefits could come to all of us if our feed was full of all politicians crying, all the time? It certainly wouldn't be any worse than what the media is full of at the moment (and the media is certainly full of it). 

Everyone cries, of course, and politicians cry too. Bob Hawke cried. Kevin Rudd cried. And now Penny Wong cried, too, when the results of the plebiscite rolled in and it became clear the 'yes' side had won the same sex marriage plebiscite. And she just happened to be standing in  front of the camera and the camera just happened to be recording her and the ABC just happened to take that footage and post it up on the internet as a news story (HEADLINE: politician's eye glands still in working order) and thousands of Australians just happened to watch it with such regularity that it just happened to appear in my feed again and again and again.

Humans are generally sympathetic sorts, of course, and there is just something about a video of Penny Wong crying that makes others cry. It's probably something to do with her being a likable politician who obviously has feelings and emotions like normal  people. Though why those normal  people would want to click on a video of Penny Wong crying for a second, third, fourth, or one millionth time is another question entirely. Sometimes normal people aren't very normal at all.

Maybe, in future, just as sitcoms get made with a laughter track, soap operas will get made with  a weeping track made principally of the sound of  Penny Wong crying, and played every time a break up or a death happens, so normal people might be able to sympathise in that way normal  people do and maybe even cry the tears of normal people as they do every time that recording of Penny Wong crying is played.

Not that I'm saying Penny Wong should cry full time. Don't be sad, Penny! Australia is a thriving modern nation with great economic prospects and a fantastic manufacturing sector! And you only need to do it once!   

Why... why are you looking at me that way, Penny Wong? I.... I didn't mean to. But the mainstream media made me do it! No, no... really! Ayieeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

Monday, November 06, 2017

Gritty realism

Last week the exercise in German class was to sit and watch a video of a mountain and then come up with adjectives about it. The mountain was doing that thing it is that mountains do: not very much. In due course we had come up with a series of not particularly  original adjectives which the teacher was dutifully placing up on the board: "Hoch" ("high"), "neblig" ("misty"), "großartig" ("great, sublime").... at around this point I ventured: "Vielleicht es ist ein bisschen langweilig" ("Maybe it's a little boring").. The teacher laughed at this, said "Nein", and refused to write anything of the sort on the board: "Ja, langweilig", I cried, rallying to the course: "Es ist groß und grau und dreckig: langweilig!" (Big, grey, dirty).

And, come on, I was right: mountains are indisputably big, mostly a dull grey, and undeniably dirty: they are *literally* dirt. Big collections of rocks remain rocks, no matter how highly they may elevate themselves.

But people really do get over-excited about their big rocks. Just the other day the traditional owners of Uluru - that's the big red rock in the middle of  the desert, for anyone from other lands - decided to ban people from walking on top of their rock. Fair enough, it's their large stony object and they can do what they want with it, I guess. But the outrage! The anger! The cranky tweets and Facebook posts! Australians, it seems, really take their big rocks - and their right to walk over their big rocks - personally! What does it say over the state of a nation where one of their most beloved national icons is a gigantic rock in the middle of the desert? Mind you, we do have one over the United States. They get excited about a big hole in the middle of their desert.

What do people love about such masses of dirt, anyway? I suppose I shouldn't seem too dismissive of big rocks and hills and the like. Let's be exact and precise in our language here: a mountain is an exaggeration of dirt: there really is a lot of it. "A presence to glop at", as Auden wrote about that gigantic sphere of dirt and stuff in our sky. When Edmund Hillary learned of Everest, that gigantic collection of dirt in the Himalayas, his instinct was to climb it, too (this seems to be a common theme - getting on top of exaggerations of dirt, and then getting down to the other side). After he actually achieved this feat, one particular party - I'm not sure whether they were struck by a sudden fit of intelligence or a sudden fit of stupidity - asked Hillary why. Hillary's response was singularly unforthcoming: "Because it was there".

Well, they are there, after all, these hills and mountains and rocks and things, and they might as well earn their keep, which is why I suppose people do make such a song and dance about them. Tourism, photo opportunities, exciting travel opportunities (travelling to the mountain, travelling up the mountain, travelling down the other side of the mountain, travelling back home from the mountain again*) - not particularly meaningful, you might say. But who cares about giving meaning and substance to your life when you've got the basis for a national economy instead? Perhaps these big rocks have something to them after all.

Mind you, when we were in New Zealand in February, Lexi and I took a trip by train to Chateau Tongariro, right up next to the famous Mt Ruapehu. There was a train packed full of people, with a viewing platform where everyone could see its sublime peaks and its noble vistas. All the way there and all the way back, our sight of the mountain was occluded by large swathings of clouds and mists and the like. None of us got to see this wonder of nature at all. It was great. I even got a poem out of it:

Ruapehu! So bigly and profound! 
We've come to see your stately scenery! 
Though swathed in mystic mists, down to the ground
You truly are a sight we'll never see. 

 I wrote ten more lines of this, but you see where I'm going.

Not that I really have anything against rocks. They're all right, I suppose. I just guess I get annoyed when the big ones detract attention from the other ones, really. Why does that mountain range get all the glory? What about this majestic pebble? This sublime range of grit? That glorious garden full of urbanite a couple of blocks away? Where's the tourist industry and travellers and sightseers and chalets and Almhütten for that, hey? No! I didn't think so! 

*Or, if you are talking about Uluru, travelling to the mountain, not being able to travel up the mountain, not being able to travel down the mountain, travelling home from the mountain again, writing an outraged Tweet about it all, creating a mini-apocalypse of outraged Tweets in reply, having a hot chocolate and Ginger Nut biscuit and going to bed.

Sunday, October 08, 2017

List I found in my notebook

Useful useless jobs

Maker of zips for fake pockets
Church gargoyle feeder
Umlaut weigher
Pre-ripper of invisible jeans
Snark breeder
Walker of trolls
Maker of pockets for fake zips
Reverse stripper

*Note: I heard the first two in various places, I'm not quite sure where. The rest I made up. 

Thursday, October 05, 2017

A users guide to awkward hugs

Hugs are always awkward. In fact that's probably what hugs were invented for, cheap and efficient awkwardness on a global scale. There are some people who claim that hugs are for being comfy and feeling loved, but those people are in denial. How long is this comfy hug supposed to go on for? Is a feeling loved hug maximised if I place my arms here, or move them there? What if the second person in the comfy loving hug has entirely different feelings about the correct position and duration of the comfy loving hug than the first person in the comfy loving hug? There could be an argument about it. There could be a huge fight. Marriages have split up over less! It's all incredibly awkward, which takes us back to my initial point about hugs being always awkward. They just are, as I have just irrefutably proved.

But by far the most awkward hugs of all are awkward hugs. You might think this is tautological, and you'd be right. Awkwardly awkward hugs are the hugs that put the 'logical' into 'tautology'. You might argue that 'tautology' doesn't have 'logical' in it, and again it seems you would be right. It's all very awkward, and we're only *talking* about hugs, which really proves just how awkward they can be if we can come to such an embarrassing impasse without actually hugging.

So, it seems we need a users guide to awkward hugs. And here it is. Take it from me. I know about awkward hugs all right. I'm an expert. Nobody hugs more awkwardly than me.

1) Embarrassing embraces with people you've just met. 

2) Peremptory smooshes with people you'll never see again. 
If you do 1) right, it becomes 2) anyway.

3) Awkward hugs with awkward kisses. 
How do you do these things again? Peck on the cheek? Right hand cheek, left hand cheek? And quick, right? Just how quick?

4) Surprise hugs in the middle of a party from a drunk person. 
These are difficult. I find that awkward hugs works best if you really prepare for them, anticipate every aspect of their awkwardness for weeks, and then blunderingly get the whole thing wrong anyway, but surprise hugs in the middle of a party from a drunk person can be pretty awful too. Try and arrange for it to be a) in a surprisingly awkward location b) stationed in front of a large audience of people who will ask you awkward questions about it afterwards (eg your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband) b) surprisingly, well, surprising.

5) Bear hugs from a bear. 
Very awkward, these.

6) Awkward hugs with awkward kisses from a bear. 
 You hardly even know one another, and already one of the party is bear. Ho ho ho ho ho.

7) Gawky side hugs.
Are you being not affectionate enough, or too affectionate? Should you be side hugging from the other side? These hugs create more questions than answers.

8) Manly manhugs with one of the participants being a dweeb and the dweeb is you. 

9) Cold emotionless distant formal hugs. 
Because emotion is evil and must be crushed.

10) Hugs for comfort where neither party is comfortable but maintain the illusion of comfort and safety to keep the other person feeling comfortable and safe. 
With a bear.

11) Awkwardly hugging someone with parasites. 

12) Passive aggressive hugging. 
I mean, often nobody's enjoying it. But sometimes it's got to be done.

SEE ALSO: Awkward sex hugs, awkward spooning where one of the partners is subtly out of position making the other spooner uncomfortable, awkward sex hugs with your partner, one cat, two dogs, and a goat. Not that I know anything about those ones. And the goats not talking either. 

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

Misinterpreted misinterpretations of words that do not mean what they mean

Oy you lot, drop what you're doing! I can't believe we didn't start talking about Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken five minutes ago! Is it up to me to start all the discussions about the completely random pointless trains of thought which I came up with for no reason at all and which I'm talking about no for even less reason? You're just lazy, that's what you are!

Anyway, everyone is wrong! This is a poem that has not just been misinterpreted, it's a poem where everyone's interpretation of the misinterpretation is a misinterpretation! (Except for me, of course.)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Got that?

- Okay, so ... it goes something like this. People commonly misinterpret this poem as if it was about a person choosing between two roads and then realising how that choice 'has made all the difference' later in their life. Seems simple enough, right?

- Ah, but, a second set of people claim. The poem's not really about that at all! It's about how there actually was no difference between the two choices! They point out how Frost describes the roads as being 'really about the same' and that 'both that morning equally lay'. There, you see, they claim, Frost is actually taking the piss out of this guy speaking, who says that the choice he made was actually important. The speaker is actually trying to make out a difference where there is none.

- Is not, say the first.

- Is too, say the second.

But - and here is the nub that the misinterpreters of the misinterpretation miss out on - it's not as if the speaker is relating the events as they happen to him. It's a past tense poem and could be relating events that happened years, even decades ago. So when the speaker says of his choice 'that has made all the difference', he may well be referring to knowledge he has gained since the events relayed in the poem. It is true that he says that 'I kept the first for another day/Yet knowing how way leads on to way,/I doubted if I should ever come back' - implying that he can't really know if taking the other track would have made a difference. But maybe he did? It doesn't say either way in the poem.

And it's not as if it's a purely physical poem, is it? The point the most first set of misinterpreters pick up on - sometimes - that the second set of misinterpreters don't is that it's a bit of a metaphor, really. The two roads mightn't even be real. They might just represent a choice the speaker made in their life. And though you can't ever return back to that point in your life where you were able to make that choice - 'knowing that way leads on to way', and all that - you might very well be able to discern the effects of those choices. And even if you make the simplest, most literal translation of all these lines - the poem actually is about a traveller in the woods making a choice that will affect his later life (and he is described as a 'traveller', and not just a 'sightseer' or something else, so it seems implicit he is making a journey of some import), it's pretty clear that making a choice between roads may make a difference in one's later life.

Wrong wrong wrong! You're all wrong! And citing the genesis of the poem - apparently Robert Frost wrote it for his friend, fellow poet Edward Thomas, who was apparently always regretting not taking certain roads in his walks with Frost - doesn't help much either, because it doesn't necessarily matter what the poet means to mean, since the poem means something entirely different from the meaning that poet means to mean anyway.

Right. Any objections? Good! Class dismissed!

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Pub tongue twister....

Pub tongue twister - if you can recite it perfectly, then you clearly haven't had enough to drink.

The bald bard bawled
By the bad bard's bar
For the bald bard had brawled
With the bored bawd's bra*,
Til the big broad barman 
Barred the bard from the bar
So the bald bard bawled
By the.... blah blah blah blah. 


Friday, August 25, 2017

The most lamentable tragedy of Marcel Marceau

SCENE: A doctor's office. The DOCTOR is sitting at the desk going through his notes. In through the door comes MARCEL MARCEAU. 

DOCTOR: Yes. Good morning, Mr Marceau. I'm glad you've come to see me. I've been looking at your test results and they're not good. Not good at all, I'm afraid. 

MARCEL MARCEAU: (Says nothing). 

DOCTOR: And - yes, well. I think you'd better get comfortable and prepare yourself for what I've got to say. 

MARCEL MARCEAU: (Says nothing). 

DOCTOR: You see, Mr Marceau.... ahem.... I'm afraid you've got gesticular cancer. 


DOCTOR: Hm. Clearly it's already entered the terminal stage. 


Thursday, August 10, 2017

Clearly learning about grammar in my German classes has driven me mad

Seeking for pluperfection

Had I the hat that I had had 
When I had had a hat 
Ah! Then the hat that I had had
Would have to have been that! 

And if the hat that I had had 
Had had a band of red
Then oft that hat that I had had
Had sat upon my head. 

Alas! The hat that I had had 
Had had a band although
The band the hat that I had had 
Had had had faded so. 

No more the hat I had to have 
Was mad to have and glad - 
I threw away that sad old hat 
The hat I had had had. 

If the reader so desires, they can find the right places to put the commas in amongst all those 'hads'. 

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Not that I'm saying the world's going to explode if I don't answer this question, but you know, it probably will.

Right, world, listen up. You've kept us waiting too long and we all demand the answer to this question:

What on earth do homeschoolers who homeschool their kids call, you know, homework?


Sunday, July 30, 2017

An ohhhhhhhhhd

A few years ago the venerable institution going by the venerable name of Slamalamadingdong held an 'Anything Goes' poetry slam at their then venue of Trades Hall. Timing, as they say, is an indispensable element in many things - comedy, poetry, and outrageous distastefulness. So I hit on the idea of writing a love poem to the then Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and performing it at the slam. The worthy politician  who goes by that name has his advantages and disadvantages as a representative of Australia on the world stage, but his value in shocking and outraging people in the Melbourne Trades Hall is inestimable.

The years roll by. Tony Abbott is no longer Opposition Leader, no longer Prime Minister. The actual Prime Minister and Opposition Leader inspire nothing like the visceral shock and outrage and disgust that Mr Abbott seemingly was able to muster by simply turning to the camera and uttering a three syllable phrase - "Stop the boats!" Why, then, do I share with you now my Ode to Tony Abbott? For this very simple reason: I never actually got around to performing or writing it at the time of the Anything Goes slam. Timing is an indispensable element, in procrastination as in other things. 

An ode to Tony Abbott
Tony Abbott Tony Abbott 
Politician on a mission as you lead the coalition 
Pounding out the heaving bosom of the ocean 
While the water swells to meet you and the shoreline comes to greet you 
And the very planet shakes with the commotion. 
Tony Abbott Tony Abbott
With your roadways to tomorrow, pure, without sorrow, 
Clean cutting lines of asphalt and precision - 
And at night the luminescence of the neon fluorescence 
To sanctify your technocratic vision. 
Tony Abbott Tony Abbott
Warrior for the nation as we shout with acclamation 
And our voices mingle, passionate in praise - 
May our military munitions flower in perfervid fission 
And pay their tribute to you in a torrid blaze. 
Tony Abbott Tony Abbott 
Do you hear the metal ringing and the infrastructure singing
As the factories whisper out the Abbott story - 
And the smokestacks stand and shiver till with wonder they deliver
Clouds of radiant black effulgence for your glory! 
Tony Abbott Tony Abbott TONY ABBOTT. 

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Bojo made a booboo boohoo

Boris Johnson struggles in interview 
Boris Johnson seemed to struggle when asked by Eddie Mair on BBC Radio 4's PM to explain how plans laid out in the Queen's Speech would tackle "burning injustices" identified by Prime Minister Theresa May.

Has Bojo lost his mojo
Now that Corbyn's all a-gogo,
Have they conquered his blond conker
And driven him quite bonkers?
Has the polyphonic Pfefferneuse
Put his head in his own noose?
Is the boffin of the waffle
Lost in his own piffle-poffle?
The polls say yes, the polls say no,
The bottom line is, we don't know. 

Has the prime PM contender
Been marked return-to-sender?
Is the man they called Adonis
No longer due upon us?
Have his wingdings lost their zingzing,
Has his bikey lost its dingading?
Has he toddled off for wiff-waff?
Has the bofflin lost his boff?
The polls are up, the polls are down,
We go around, around, around. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Furtive eggplant

I was in the garden this afternoon when, crouching down by the back of the beehives, I found a furtive eggplant. There is no eggplant, er, plant there. It was also not a very big eggplant, but it was an eggplant, so there you go.

I looked left. I looked right. I looked all around. One is occasionally accustomed to finding the odd egg in the garden (I've known a chicken or two with such nefarious thoughts in mind). But an eggplant?

There was a clunk or two over the other side of the fence. Could our 70 plus year old neighbour have thrown it over? Unlikely. The bees continued doing whatever it is bees do. Far off, on the other side of the garden, the chickens all stood around looking suitably suspicious. They certainly seemed they were up to something. But then, the chooks always seem like they're up to something.

I concluded my furtive eggplant investigations by creating the world's smallest eggplant parma. A coin is included for comparison.

Image may contain: food

It's not a very good mystery, but it's all I've got today. Thank you for reading my post about the furtive eggplant.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

A pub poem

My chip has fallen to the floor.
The bar is crowded. I look down.
Sehnsucht. A lawless longing for
The unattainable. I frown.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

STUDY: people who stay up late and are messy and get distracted easily and are five foot two and prefer dark chocolate and have a moustache but not a beard and who don't do the dishes often and who prefer dogs to cats and who live in Ringwood and who are called Brad are very intelligent

STUDY: people who stay up late and are messy and get distracted easily and are five foot two and prefer dark chocolate and have a moustache but not a beard and who don't do the dishes often and who prefer dogs to cats and who live in Ringwood and who are called Brad are very intelligent.

In breaking news, a new study confirms that people who stay up late and are messy and get distracted easily and are five foot two and prefer dark chocolate and have a moustache but not a beard and who don't do the dishes often and who prefer dogs to cats and who live in Ringwood and who are called Brad are very intelligent, according to a person called Brad.

Brad, who performed the intensive study in his offices in Ringwood, released this groundbreaking study to the international media this morning. The study had a sample size of one.

In other news, Brad is 28 years old, lives in his parent's cellar, and spends most of his time scratching his bum.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Poem composed on Mothers' Day 2017

I offer this poem to all: parents, aspiring parents and offspring alike.

Dear Mistress, dear Master, 
We render to thee
A morsel of mouse
Made tender for thee -
How pleasant a present 
For the household to see!
Now what shall thy gift
To thy parents be?

Thursday, May 11, 2017


'Glittering' is a glittery word. 'Glistering' is a glittery word. 'Lustre' is a glittery word too. But combine them all and 'glustering' isn't very glittery at all. What the hell?

I have lost all my faith in the gliterary qualities of language.

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Anglo-Saxon Doge

Ēadig, þec tō mētenne, fréondléasta! Behealden! "Anglo-Saxon Doge". Georne!  

Doge Meme | SWIC LOLEN MONEGUM ROFLEN FELEFOLD WOW | image tagged in memes,doge | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A poem in excellent taste

A poem in excellent taste

Ye carbo-gluto-great disgrace!
For years the Haggis set the standard
For horror foods, but I'll be candid,
Now other foods have come to try it,
To eat of which would cause a riot.
Would Sir prefer to rock the Casbah
With a slice of deep-fried Mars Bar,
Or would Sir rather rot his molar
With this deep-fried Coca Cola?
But Aussies can contend with these
With floater pies complete with peas -
To gaze within that Stygian grime,
The cow would die a second time.
Halal Snack Packs complete with cheese
Compete with this for extra quease.
A slice of fruit for those more pure -
It smells like foetid bogs and sewer.
A Parma can reward the senses
With its homely decadences,
But for sheer bloody What-The-Fucken-
Hell-Is-This at parties, try Turducken.
Lutefisk, Moose Nose, Bird-spit soups,
Stylised culinary poops -
Spit beer served in Mason jars
By suspect men in dingy bars;
Blue-green algae lattes (what the?
I'll go back to ol' Pigs Trotters).
This list of epicurean shame
Is long and everyone's to blame
And though I wish I'd not begun,
I'll just say this and then I'm done -
If you can eat it, please go nuts!
So long as you don't spill your guts.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Thursday morning deprecation of teapots

At a time when the whole art world was going wiggly-woggly and frilly-frolly with noblets and nodules and nipples galore, look at what one Christopher Dresser created. The world's most ridiculous teapot.

I mean, really! The bloody thing would overbalance as soon as you tried to pick it up. And you can't steady it with your hand either, because it's made out of metal, so you'd just burn your hand. Anticipating this problem (maybe), Dresser gave it an upturned spout, but then you've got to wonder how you'd pour the stupid tea out anyway. Maybe it goes something like 1) Pour the hot water over the tea leaves at the bottom of the pot 2) Get two strong men to grasp opposite sides of the handle, making sure not to overbalance it. 3) Carefully place a teacup (good Lord, did this monstrous Dresser ever make teacups as well? I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE RESULTS) in the middle of the sink. 4) Let one of the strong men dangle the teapot in his hand, swinging it to and fro until enough tea slops into the cup 4) Smash the bloody contraption up and get a Nescafe instead.

And it gets worse. In googling "Christopher Dresser Teapot" I found this. And this. The horror! Look upon these teapots, and revile them, all ye who enter here!

This concludes today's post, Thursday morning deprecation of teapots. I hope you all got what you came for.
Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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