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Thursday, July 14, 2005

Medicopathology

Doctor, doctor, I've got 59 seconds to live!
Wait a minute.

I got sick last week. I was awake all night, with my stomach doing flip-flops. Next morning I got up, had a shower, and promptly retched in the toilet. I climbed back into bed and forgot about breakfast, and got out of bed later and had another shower. It wasn't pleasant, and actually, I thought for a moment that I might d...

Well, no, that's not true. I didn't think I was going to die, and I damn well knew what the problem was: that I'd eaten ten slices of 3-day-old cheesecake the day before. And if you ask me, it's just this sort of grumbling about sickness that has made us what we are today - a society that is addicted to sickness.
Don't believe me? Just open up the phone book to Medical Practicioner. There you'll find a long list of practicioners, including:

Osteopaths
Homeopaths
Naturopaths

And so on. And so on. It's enough to make you sick. And in fact, the only medical practicioner that I'd consider going to nowadays is a Sociopath. Sure, they may not be a 'real' medical practicioner, but that description doesn't extend to 95 percent of the other quacks out there, either. Consider the diagram:

Profession

What They Do

Homeopath

Diagnose real medical problems and prescribe mythical solutions


Naturopath

Diagnose mythical medical problems and prescribe mythical solutions

Sociopath

Doesn't care about your problems and will threaten to shoot you if you don't leave.


On the whole, I think, the sociopath comes out as slightly better than the other two - or certainly more honest. And when was the last time you went to the doctor and got honesty?
But let's consider the reactions of our medical experts to some common ailments:









ProfessionAilmentSolution
Homeopath
Stress
Prescribes you a drink of water which has been infused with 'healing homeopathic powers'
Naturopath

Plays you a CD - 'The Greatest Whale Song Hits of All Time'
Sociopath

Shouts at you in an attempt to make you leave.
HomeopathLeprosy
Prescribes you a drink of water which has been infused with 'healing homeopathic powers'
Naturopath
Takes a blue crystal out of their drawer, and start rubbing it up and down your body in a disturbing and suggestive manner.
Sociopath

Hides in the cupboard and peeks out every now and then until you are gone.
Homoepath
Death
Prescribes you a drink of water which has been infused with 'healing homeopathic powers'
Naturopath

Takes out a couple of scented candles, sets them at different corners of the room, acccording to its feng-shui properties, and sets them alight in an attempt to align your chi.
Sociopath

Sits you down in a chair, gives you a cup of tea and some scones, and starts talking to you. You're perhaps the best friend a sociopath could ever have. The rigamortis, decay, and maggots aren't a problem, because at least you don't complain about them.

I think the Sociopath has the right idea.

Anyway, the thing is, everyone gets sick. It's a fact of life, like death. But if sickness is inevitable, we might as well have fun in the meantime. Eat too much, get drunk, have sex, get sick, die. That should be our motto. Cheerio!

Note: for more about Homeopathy, Naturopathy, Allopathy, Osteopathy, or many other types of pathys, ologys, and isms, see the Australian Skeptics website.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'll stick to my Time/Life A-Z Medical Encyclopedia. They just happen to list all the symptoms I always have. No really! They do!

Love,
Redsaid.net

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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