How do you tell if civilisation is in decline? Is it the degrading standard of manners? The falling apart of educational, scientific, and cultural institutions? Or is it something else entirely, like - say - the type of toilet paper we use to wipe our bums?
If it's the third option, then Western civilisation has no hope. Walk into any supermarket, and you'll find rows of shelves devoted to the type of paper we bring in close proximity with our arses. Shape, colour, scent, and texture - all play an essential part in the formation of 'the toilet roll' (tm).
But really, what sort of person is it that wants to bring an aloe-vera-scented filigree fragment of tissue, imprinted with pictures of birds and dolphins, into contact with their nether regions and use it to wipe away the residual fragments of excreta still stuck there? How ethically twisted and sick do we have to become to make colour, shape, scent, and texture a regular - no, an essential - requirement of our daily bathroom activities?
Did our Anglo-saxon forebears really travel all the way around the world, invent capitalism, reinvent democracy, settle Australia, America, Canada, and parts of Africa, with this in mind? If you ask me, they would have used a few fragments of old linen they had lying around for such a purpose.
It's time for a revolution, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to reject such so-called luxuries as 'scented toilet tissue', and to return to a more simpler lifestyle. Rise up as one, and demand from the supermarkets that they remove all lemon-scented-printed pieces of toilet tissue. Your bottom is not simply a tender, trembling, palpitating, lily-white piece of flesh which demands to be treated like a king. No! It is a strong bottom, a powerful bottom, a bottom that could conquer the world! It is disrespect - yes, disrespect, we say - to be bringing these flabby, scented rags in contact with our bottoms! BOTTOMS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
I am not saying you should start wiping your arse with sandpaper. (Not unless you want to, that is. Who am I to tell you what to do with your bum?) I am just saying that your bottom deserves better than what it's getting at the moment.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- Comment on the Comment
- Age Rage
- The Worst Magician In The World ...
- No Comment
- No Words are Good Words
- RUN! RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUN WHILE YOU STILL...
- Walkers Walk in the Walk Against Want
- You Young Whippersnappers
- Where Am I?
- Thought For The Day
- More Art, More Soul
- Coat Hangery Meditations
- Writers Are Such Interesting People
- I Have Discovered
- Art and Soul
- Community Service Announcement
- Nutty Story
- Thought For The Day
- ▼ July (23)