How do you tell if civilisation is in decline? Is it the degrading standard of manners? The falling apart of educational, scientific, and cultural institutions? Or is it something else entirely, like - say - the type of toilet paper we use to wipe our bums?
If it's the third option, then Western civilisation has no hope. Walk into any supermarket, and you'll find rows of shelves devoted to the type of paper we bring in close proximity with our arses. Shape, colour, scent, and texture - all play an essential part in the formation of 'the toilet roll' (tm).
But really, what sort of person is it that wants to bring an aloe-vera-scented filigree fragment of tissue, imprinted with pictures of birds and dolphins, into contact with their nether regions and use it to wipe away the residual fragments of excreta still stuck there? How ethically twisted and sick do we have to become to make colour, shape, scent, and texture a regular - no, an essential - requirement of our daily bathroom activities?
Did our Anglo-saxon forebears really travel all the way around the world, invent capitalism, reinvent democracy, settle Australia, America, Canada, and parts of Africa, with this in mind? If you ask me, they would have used a few fragments of old linen they had lying around for such a purpose.
It's time for a revolution, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to reject such so-called luxuries as 'scented toilet tissue', and to return to a more simpler lifestyle. Rise up as one, and demand from the supermarkets that they remove all lemon-scented-printed pieces of toilet tissue. Your bottom is not simply a tender, trembling, palpitating, lily-white piece of flesh which demands to be treated like a king. No! It is a strong bottom, a powerful bottom, a bottom that could conquer the world! It is disrespect - yes, disrespect, we say - to be bringing these flabby, scented rags in contact with our bottoms! BOTTOMS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
I am not saying you should start wiping your arse with sandpaper. (Not unless you want to, that is. Who am I to tell you what to do with your bum?) I am just saying that your bottom deserves better than what it's getting at the moment.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
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