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Monday, September 19, 2005

From Ogblog to Wogblog - a History of Blogging

Hey, look at the funny person! Ha ha! You're reading a blog! What a geek!

There. Now we've got rid of everyone else, it's just you and me, dear reader, and I can get to the point of this post. Did you know that blogging has a long and fascinating history that goes right back to the stone age? That's right! And you can read all about it here in:

AN AUTHENTIC, WILDLY INACCURATE AND UNDOUBTEDLY TRUE HISTORY OF BLOGGING


20,000 BC
The first recorded blog of history is carved on to a cave wall by a guy named Og one afternoon after hunting Woolly Mammoths. Although it is extremely slow (have you ever tried using a hyperlink made out of stone?) a post he does linking to the Lascaux cave paintings proves to be wildly popular.

10,000 BC
Writing is invented, which proves to be very useful for bloggers. Previously to this, they have expressed themselves in the occasional monosyllabic grunt and/or crude pictographic representations.

7,000 BC
Instapundit begins blogging. Ancient Sumerian blogger Akh-Ngakh calls him a 'fresh new face' on the blogging scene.

6.400 BC
An anonymous Egyptian blogger writes the first ever post comparing George Bush, the President of America, to Adolf Hitler. Since none of the nouns in this sentence made any sense at the time - even when written in hieroglyphic notation - the Pharaoh at the time decides to have his head cut off.

4.300 BC
Some crazy dude called Moses escapes into the desert and starts a blog, later to be published in scroll form. It features the occasional guest post by another crazy dude who lives in a burning bush and calls himself God. Moses later admits that it was all a joke, and that God didn't really write all those posts, in fact, he could hardly read, let alone write. But no one believes him.

2.500 BC
Slowly, the secrets of tagging leak out of the HTML mines in Eastern Europe. Bloggers learn how to use bold <b> tags, italic tags <i> and underline tags <u> for the first time. (It's not until much later that the dreaded secret of the strike tag <strike> is made known to the general public.)

1,200 BC
A little known group of warbloggers calling themselves the 'Ancient Geeks' manage to infiltrate the computer systems of a group of opposing bloggers using the first ever Trojan Horse. This gives rise to the popular saying, 'Beware of Geeks bearing Gifts.'

50 AD
Ancient Roman Emperor Nerdo holds regular blogging festivals where left-wing subversives are put in the arena with right-wing death beasts. They prove to be wildly popular.

1000 AD
The arts of tapestry and embroidery continue to be developed, and in this format the first pioneering experiments in flash animation are undertaken. The Bayeaux tapestry proves to be a particularly popular animation - much more so than the lesser known tapestry, The Simpsons.

1500 AD
The renaissance happens and everyone forgets to notice it because of some cute kitten pictures being circulated at the time by a photoshopping blogger known as Michaelangelo.

1590AD
Shakespeare uses the phrases LOL, OMG, ROTF, LMFAO, and BBQ in a play. Half of his audience don't know WTF he's talking about. The other half a puritans who don't know WTF he's talking about, but want to ban it anyway.

1750 AD
Charles Babbage invents the first ever computer - or 'difference engine' - and bloggers wonder what took him all this time. The difference engine, which is powered by 20 wild horses, doesn't work, so Babbage goes off and tries to invent a cheese slicer powered by otters. It fails, and he becomes a broken and destitute man.

1790 AD
America institutes a nation-wide communication system known as 'the pony express' which means that bloggers are able to post with unprecedented speed. (The pony express proves to be much more popular than the previous postal system, the 'ocelot express', which failed, primarily due to a lack of ocelots.

1820 AD
Some other guy tries to invent a computer, this time, powered by steam. It doesn't work. Bloggers tap their fingers and think, this is just getting ridiculous.

1940 AD
Yet another guy called Alan Turing tries to invent the computer and actually succeeds. He is so surprised by this that he kills himself.
Bloggers just shrug their shoulders and go on as they've always done.

3 comments:

annoying teenager said...

WUT ABOUT DA INVANTION OF DA FIRST DICTIONARY??!?! LOL

http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

TimT said...

The origins of the dictionary are a mystery ... right up there with The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything.

Aaron Springer said...

Well, I didn't know I had become part of Blogging history. Oh well.

I am Aaron Springer, blogger of Wogblog.

Keep blogging!

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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