Not many people know it, but in a few years time, I will be a has-been, a piece of human detritus, chewn up and spat out of the ravening maw that is the Australian television industry. No, really. It will all start next month, at a party in some house in Brunswick or another, when I run into a television producer and tell him about my quirky yet whimsical, violent yet compelling idea for Australian television. Three days later, I will be called by him, out of the blue, and offered the opportunity to become producer for the show.
SILENCE OF THE HAMS - an ultra-realist piece of fiction about the Australian film industry, with a cast to die for.
Nicole Kidman - played by Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow - played by Carlotta
Bill Hunter - played by Paul Hogan
Paul Hogan - played by Rove McManus
Basically, it will be just like any other Australian film. It will be about the struggles of a community of twenty-something young actors who suddenly find themselves hunted by a serial-killer. The premiere episode will end with the ritual death of Nicole Kidman (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) on a funeral pire, as a sacrifice to the God Ereshkigal.
The following episode will be exactly the same in plot to the first. The show will run for a record 32 series, and become a staple of the Australian television industry.
Or something like that. Actually, I haven't thought about it that much. Anyway, the killer turns out to be Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, or John Howard, or somebody.
Then, suddenly, without reason, the show will be dropped and I will be cut off from the television industry. Disillusioned and angry, I will take to drink, and become a bitter, wretched old man living in a hovel on the edge of the Simpson desert with the help of an Australian Film Industry grant, taking pot-shots at British tourists as they drive past.
I've got it all planned out.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2015 (94)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- This Space Intentionally Left Blank
- Dream Poetry
- The City of Lost Vowels
- Fruit Free State
- On the Naming of Cyclones
- The Grammatical Structure of Non-Existent Words
- Judging a Blog by its Blogger
- The Miracle of Birth
- Suggested Notices For Connex
- Grogblogging Reminder
- Grogblogging Communique
- Hi Class Litraycha
- From Ogblog to Wogblog - a History of Blogging
- A Post About Marmosets
- Cough Cough
- Lay Off the Laudanum, Old Son
- Today Is The Third-and-a-halfth Day for the Rest O...
- My Brief But Dazzling Future Career in Australian ...
- Who Said I'm Not Sensitive?
- Absolutely no FREE BEERWhatsoever
- The Nine Other Muses
- A Dialogue Between Person and Bed
- When Blogging Goes Wrong
- An Unspirational Story
- I Blame John Howard
- Life: The Limitation of Art
- If Shakespeare
- ▼ September (30)