Thursday, September 22, 2005

Suggested Notices For Connex

Suggested Notices for Connex Trams, Trains and Buses:

- No spanking in the aisles.

- You are not authorised to receive fellatio unless you are the holder of a valid concession card.

- If you are receiving fellatio while not being in concession of a valid concession card, the ticketing inspector will receive it on your behalf.

- Please vomit courteously.

- All claustrophics receive a free ride on our trams today.

- Please remember to make room for the schizophrenic and his multiple personalities.

- For safety reasons, oxygen on our trains is banned. If you find yourself becoming asphyxiated, please notify the driver and he'll see what he can do.

- It is illegal not to follow Connex regulations.

- It is illegal not to read Connex regulations. If you are illiterate and are unable to read these instructions, please notify the ticketing inspector and you will receive a fine.

- Have an efficient trip.

- Please do not have sex on the tram. Have it in the tram instead.

- The bus is no longer travelling on this route. Please wait patiently until the bus does not arrive. Thankyou for your consideration.

- The tram on which you are travelling no longer stops near your house. It travels now to an arbitrary location in the outer suburbs. If you are currently travelling home, please alter your destination accordingly.

- Please die quietly.

- When using public transport, it is compulsory to be travelling with a drunk dwarf. If you do not have a drunk dwarf, you may purchase one at the nearest newsagency or chemist.

- If you are in possession of a valid concession card, you may receive fellatio off the drunk dwarf.

- Do not talk. Close your eyes and think of England.

- If another person on the tram is talking, please notify the tram driver or ticketing inspector silently. They will be dealt with.

- Ignore the dead body at the other end of the tram. It's none of your business.

- Nothing is your business.

- Have a nice day.


daisythelamb said...

Personally, having an automobile of my own, I have never subjected myself to the colorful world of public transportation.

But if I had to, I feel that alcohol should be served on trains, busses, etc. Because if I am going to be molested or vomited upon, I think a fair exchange would be for the perpetrator of deeds to purchase me a drink beforehand. It would be the Right Thing to do.

And didn't I just post two other comments recently about liquor?? (shapes mashed potatoes into form of bottle of Jack) This means something...

coffee and cigarettes said...

Someone had a good day on public transport, didn't they?

TimT said...

Perhaps I have been giving the wrong impression. I do not hate public transport at all. It is, like our welfare system, one of the great natural wonders of Australia. And, being congenitally lazy, I don't have a car myself so I can't really complain too much about public transport.

This post was inspired by two recent comments on public transport by the inimitable Jon Sterne. Peruse them at your pleasure.

Daisy, you had me at the word 'automobile.' Love that southern accent!

Jon said...

Inimitable! Thank you Tim, I've not been called that before; adjectives immediately preceding my name usually consist of no more than four letters.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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