kidattypewriter

Sunday, October 23, 2005

A Letter To Women

Dear Women of the World,

Greetings! We are a secret*Philanthropical International Organisation devoted to subjugating and oppressing you! We are known as - wait for it - The Patriarchy! You can find us in the phone book, listed under 'P', or in the yellow pages, listed under 'M' (for Misogynist).
That's right! We are the ones responsible for negative portrayals of women in the media! We are the ones who are impeding the advancement of women into politics! And we are the ones who are responsible for the objectification of women, and the relegation of them to domestic household roles! Aren't we clever?

But lately, we've been noticing a drop off in the levels of service we have been providing to your gender and to the community in general. Try as we might, we just haven't been able to oppress you as much as we'd like.
Therefore we'd like to ask you some quick questions:

1. Have you any comments about the activities of the Patriarchy in your town/city/state?

2. Can you think of any new and original ways in which the Patriarchy can oppress and objectify you?

3. How would you rate our current levels of oppression:

a) Very good
b) Good
c) Fair
d) Not good at all
e) Very bad.

We look forward to your responses! Please hand them into your husbands and they will deliver them on to us!
Sincerely,
You Know Who

*So promise not to tell anyone about us, cross your heart and hope to die!

UPDATE! You won't believe what just happened! A beautiful young woman just burst into my house and swept a motorcycle helmet off her head to reveal long, lustrous golden-brown locks of hair. I gazed in awe as she flung her head back and the sun rippled through her hair. I was on the verge of asking her if she used Pantene Pro-V when she then slapped me twice about the face and tied me into the chair with a whip. Then she threatened to castrate me if I did not write this post! It's TRUE!
I was forced to do it, forced to, I tell you!

8 comments:

rachy said...

laughing. too. hard. to. respond.

How about I work together with Darlene for an answer to this one? And then some with Misha and Bourbs...

TimT said...

YES! You've got to HELP me! I'm being kept prisoner by this madwoman! She keeps on muttering something about a secret organisation called 'The Sisterhood' and their evil plans to geld the ENTIRE MALE POPULATION OF THIS WORLD!

I am NOT.A.HORSE. You've got to get the word out, tell someone, beforrmmmmmmfffffffffff ...

Misha said...

I am seriously tempted to answer every single question :(

coffee and cigarettes said...

go on, I will definitely try to as well... or should we divvy up the questions?

Darlene said...

I am speechless.

Ummm, the patriarchy in Melbourne is actually quite polite and non-oppressive.

I would like to be oppressed by having a member of the patriachy - say Brad Pitt - give me a massage, a pedicure, do my housework and cook my dinner.

I would be being oppressed by not being able to do other more important stuff.

TimT said...

*TELEGRAMTELEGRAMTELEGRAMTELEGRAMTELEGRAM*

GREETINGS WOMEN STOP
THIS IS THE PATRIARCHY SPEAKING STOP
THANK TO YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE SO FAR STOP
IT HAS BEEN MUCH HELPFUL STOP
BUT BRAD PITT QUESTION MARK STOP REALLY DARLENE EXCLAMATION MARK STOP DO YOU THINK WE ARE MADE OUT OF MONEY STOP

Caz said...

How did the beautiful young woman, with the glorious hair, know how to find you? See, I think you're just making that part up. The tell tale sign is that you did NOT mention her throwing off her leathers to straddle you...

1. Have you any comments about the activities of the Patriarchy in your town/city/state?

Across the board, I think a more modern cut in the suit department is long overdue, and wearing pink ties is not a reflection of being really comfortable with your feminine side, especially when some men are so very obviously NOT. So, I think a few less pink ties, to go with the new suits. Oh, and the suits with the wide pin stripes - PYJAMAS! Or AL CAPONE! Depending on the exact cut, colour and width of the stripe. NO self-respecting man should be seen wearing one of those suits in PUBLIC PLACES. NOT EVER.

2. Can you think of any new and original ways in which the Patriarchy can oppress and objectify you?

Making me stay at home instead of going out to work, and giving me a man's pay packet at the end of each week (minus a small amount for his minor personal needs) and letting me spend the money however I want - now I know this is not original, however it does have a certain novelty factor that would be very fresh & shiny new to me.
In additon, being oppressed and objectified wearing nothing more than a mink coat and a string of diamonds from Tiffany's (both gifts having been foisted upon me by the patriarchy, you understand) - yes, I think that would work out fine.

3. How would you rate our current levels of oppression:

c) Fair.

I do hope this assists with your research and your next grant application. But don't tell silly stories about young beautiful women next time, unless it's true.

Sincerely yours.

TimT said...

Did I forget to tell the bit where she took off her jump suit and reached into my shirt and ...

Hmmm, funny that.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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