1) Do not pick your nose, especially if you have quick-drying superglue on your finger.
2) Do not eat your relatives, unless you have a knife and fork handy.
3)Do not stare. If your eyelids have been stapled open, then it may be necessary for you to gouge your eyes out.
4) Use a gentle, moderate tone of voice when swearing. When saying "Please" and "thankyou", shout. It shows everyone how polite you are.
5) Remember to swear correctly: "For fucks' sake", not "For fuck's sake" or "For fucks sake".
6) Ladies first: especially during sex.
7) If you see a little old lady standing by the road, help her across: the chances are that she will be a wealthy heiress, and she will give you all her money.
If she does not give you all her money, take her right back.
8) It is wrong to have children. They shout, run around, and say impolite* things. If you happen to have any children lying around, rectify this situation by locking them in the basement closet.
9) Always carry a handkerchief, in case it should be necessary for you to dispose of human remains during the day.
10) Shake the hand of everybody that you are introduced to. If they do not have hands, then some other form of bodily contact, such as kissing or sex is considered appropriate.
UPDATE! - Actually, now that I come to think about it, I'm not sure whether "For fucks' sake" is the correct spelling. Is the 'fuck' being referred to singular? Or is it actually a plurality of 'fucks' that is being referred to (in which case, the rule stated above would be correct)? In short, does the term mean 'For the sake of a fuck', or 'For the sake of all fucks?'
Then again, maybe when the term 'fuck' is being used in its swearing context, then it is not acting as a verb at all. So perhaps we don't need the apostrophe?
What do you think, readers?
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2014 (79)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- Ten Lessons in Etiquette
- Replacing Less Complicated Words With More Complic...
- Possible Characters For Novels #1
- Tragic Mushrooms
- Leaky Pen
- As "Easy" as "Pie"
- The Gospel According To Tim
- What Memes May Come
- Cough, Splutter, Etc
- When The End Isn't The Finish
- A Letter To My Fellow Workmates
- Inaccurate Magazine Titles
- Ways To Amuse Yourself #3
- O Come Into The Garden, Maudlin
- Photo Phun
- Gloomed To Death
- Friday Morning Fun!
- That Sinking Feeling
- Become Crappy For No Good Reason
- A Song from Smelbourne
- Attention, Girls and Boys
- A Note on the Curious History of Trans Allosquia
- Drumroll, Please ...
- Fragments of Conversation I Overheard Yesterday Wh...
- For Fucks Sake
- The Drinklings
- Hairy Story
- Yawn of the Dead
- ▼ November (32)