kidattypewriter

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Two Degrees of Separation, Blog Style

Ausculture turned one year old on Friday! Click here to offer them congratulations, and find the answer to the question:

- Which Australian television celebrity left a comment on the Ausculture website?

It's like two degrees of separation, blog style!

Coffee Spoonerisms

Harry Hutton on T.S. Eliot:
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." (T.S.Eliot)
Coffee spoons? It doesn't seem to make sense.


The reply:
One coffee spoon = one year.
Simple.



Unfortunately, this theory isn't really valid when we consider it in the context of modern Einsteinian Spoonerisms. According to Einstein, the length of Spoon-time changes in relation to certain variables, including:

1) The speed at which the spoon is travelling

2) The curvature of this area of spoon-time

3) The presence of this man.

4) Whether the spoon is a plastic or a silver one.

All of these variables have an influence on whether, in technical terms, the normal spoon-year will occur (in Spoon-time terminology) Spooner, or Later.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

My TV Loves Me

My TV loves me
This I know
For each night
It tells me so.

It whispers to me,
Show me visions ilicit
And crackles with desire
As I stroke it and kiss it.

Each night I enter
Its virtual realms,
Its chromium caves,
Its fluoride dreams.

My wife said she loved me -
But she had to go.
She was lying. For
My TV said so.

Now there is
Neither day, nor night
As I bathe in eternal
Electronic light.

For my TV loves me
This I know
It speaks to me
And tells me so.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Mathaletics

It’s fast! It’s fierce! It’s two weeks of number-crunching, gut-busting, arithematical, acrobatical FUN! It’s

THE SYDNEY MATHLETICS 2005

And it’s going to be a HELL of a ride, let me tell you that now!

Day 1: Track and Field

THE ALGEBRACES

It’s EXCITEMENT plus when ‘a’ athletes (‘a’ being an arbitrarily-defined whole number integer) race down a track ‘n’ metres in length (‘n’ being another arbitrarily defined whole number integer) on a standard Descartian plane!

Who will win? Will the relationship between ‘n’ and ‘a’ turn out to be a standard binomial equation? One thing’s for certain – this year, we have the strongest arbitrarily-defined field of runners for years! So join us for the Algebraces!




Day 2: Inside the Ring

BOXING

Two opposing hypoteneuses square off against one another in the boxing ring, and attempt to beat one another into shape! Who will win and who will end up absolutely square-rooted? Tune in to find out!






Day 3: Target Shooting

SHOOTING

Our shooters pull out their guns and their arrows and attempt to hit a target in a Riemann-spaced environment! Can they properly account for the non-Euclidean curvature of space-time, or will the audience have t… DUCK FOR COVER!!!!


Day 4: Track and Field

LONG-HIGH-WIDE JUMP

Can our athletes beat the confines of 3-dimensional space and win the LONG-HIGH-WIDE jump?

Day 5: In the Pool

NEGATIVE-SWIMMING

First there’s the award ceremony… then all the swimmers climb into the pool and swim back before diving onto the starting blocks! It’s a startling combination of the field of negative-numbers with our top swimming athletes!

Day 6: Team Sports

CANTOR SOCCER

‘Ergh!’ ‘Argh!’ ‘I can’t breathe!’’Where are the goals?’ ‘Let me out let me out let me out!’

Two teams of infinite size compete in a field of finite size…





Day 7: Track and Field

TIME RACES

And they’re off and racing! They’ve passed the first day… ooh, look, his first birthday is coming up already … and what a rate of years they’re travelling now… yes, rounding the first decade… they’ll have reached senility in no time!...

Proving that time is just another dimension of space, our racers attempt to reach the age of 100 years – in just one minute!





Day 8: In the Ring

FRACTION WRESTLING

Get a piece of the fraction! Watch semi-wrestlers quarter one another in the ring! Who will survive and who will end up half-the-man he used to be?

Day 9: Team Sports

HOCKEY

Can two opposing teams of flatlanders beat one another one an one-dimensional field?

Day 10: Track and Field

THE PARALLALETHON

Our athletes race along a series of parallel lines until the lines meet. Be prepared to sit back, relax, and see whether the athletes will hold out until the end, or whether basic geometric laws will beat them!



Thursday, January 27, 2005

Blogging At Work

If you're reading this at work, then, get back to it! Only I may bludge!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Housecleaning Meditations

Been cleaning the house today.

You don't really notice how much dirt can accumulate in the cracks between the tiles in the shower stall until you actually clean it. But no, the closer you look you see a thriving multiculture of mould and soot and germs and mildew, all of them growing, one on top of the other. So today, I committed possible species genocide and hacked and hewed into this mini-environment in my shower stall with some wet rags, soap, and home-brand Creme Cleanser. When oh when will we multicellular mammals learn to live in harmony with our fellow bacteria and fungus? On the whole, I think it would be better if we didn't have to clean the shower stall. Much less work, too.

Did the toilet next. Actually, my toilet is pretty clean; I did it a few weeks ago. When I went down to my brother's place in Leichville two years ago, now, there was a toilet to write home about. It was the sort of toilet in which grease and dust combined with algae; the sort of toilet in which you suspected strange, supernatural, alien sentiences resided; the sort of toilet that biologists could sail down and find new forms of life hitherto unknown to man, before returning with two men down and another dying of malaria. That sort of toilet.
By contrast, my toilet is like one of the fountains of Rome, a veritable sculpture, pristine in porcelain.

Fascinating things, toilets. When my parents lived in Coolah, a frog took up residence in their toilet. When you went in to do your duty, you could hear it croaking merrily away, completely unphased what was going on above.
Perhaps if you have a toilet story, you could share it in comments.

I was thinking, while I did the sink and the stove, working around it with a knife to scrape off those tough bits of mould, how much work you do to get the bond money back. Just to please a couple of people. People! If there was one thing I would change about life, it would be people. Over the year-and-a-half that I've lived here, I've accumulated quite a lot of mess. Papers on the floor, plastic bags, that sort of a thing. But - and here's the amazing thing - I haven't noticed it at all, unless people have been around! People can be so selfish that way. I'm of the opinion that they should probably be banned, or turned into more useful or interesting things, like tasty muffins, or mantlepiece ornaments. That, or new and exciting species of mould to inhabit the cavernous cracks in the shower stall.

Except for you, of course, dear reader.

But What About the Scat Pack?

Someone in Melbourne* wonders...

If Baby John Burgess, Tony Barbar and Don Bourke had a secret club, what would it be called?
Der. They'd be called The Fat Pack, obviously - (a kind-of latter-day Rat Pack.)Other secret clubs...

Richard Branson, James Packer and Lachlan Murdoch - The Prat Pack

Margo Kingston, Philip Adams, and Mike Carlton - The Latte Pack

Robert Downey Junior, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Jean Claude Van-Damme - The Crack Pack

Any more suggestions?

*Also known as Desci

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Just So You Know

I handed in my resignation today, effective Friday next week. Two weeks time I'll be working in Victoria.

Blog Dates from Hell

You know the best thing about the internet? It's not that it brings people together - it's that it keeps them apart! At last, all of us misanthropes have a medium to express our fundamental dislike of all things human, and not worry about the consequences!

After all, just imagine the alternatives...

Blog Dates From Hell....









Annoying Customer

meets


Elizabeth Talbot
Brisbane blogger Elizabeth Talbot creator of website Customers Suck, takes one look at the Annoying Customer before pronouncing - Screw You, homie - you have FAILED!, and blowing him away with an Ouzi.
Darlene Taylor

meets


Marcel White
It's carnage when fun-time gal Darlene Taylor meets pro-life activist Marcel White. Somehow, Darlene's hippy friends get a wind of Marcel's Ultra-conservative mates, and the two set upon one another in what will eventually become known as the 2005 Blog Riots.
Dreadnought

meets

Rodney Croome
"I should never have done it," sobs Croome. "I should never have let him take advantage of me." When Catholic Conservative John Heard has a one-nighter with Taswegian Rodney Croome, things turn ugly fast: Croome demands that Heard 'make an honest man out of me' and marry him, but Heard is already eyeing up Paul Kidd, on the other side of the room...


More to come, soon.

K.rudd

Today, Senator Kevin Rudd called together several press representatives and wedged his head approximately 20.5 centimetres into his rectum and announced that he would not be running for the Labor leadership.

Senator Rudd then proceeded to roll around in a large vat of elephant dung while talking to the reporters, in a simultaneous attempt to explain his reasons for not running for the Labor leadership and break the world Head-up-rectum record (previously set by Prime Minister Gough Whitlam.)

My view has long been that if you are going to contest a ballot for the Australian Labor Party for its leadership, you must believe that there are enough votes to win it.

Onlookers, amazed at the Senator's ability to place his head up his posterior, were further rewarded when Rudd began to juggle several live poodles in the air, while patiently pointing out to the press representatives that

the challenge for the party was now to "unite behind Kim Beazley as leader"

Representatives of the Guinness Book of Records declared that Rudd's was the most impressive head-up-posterior attempt they had seen for some time.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dear John

Letter sent to the Prime Minister of Australia.

Dear Mr. Howard,

Hello. You support the full privatisation of Telstra and I do to. You want Australia to have a strong economy and so do I. On the other hand, you have a disappointing position on Australian television networks, and don't seem to think that we need anymore.

But that is not why I am writing to you. No, I wish to contact you on a matter of grave national importance. That matter is Raquel Welch.
In the 1970s, Raquel Welch starred in what has since been described as 'The Greatest B-Grade Movie Ever', KANSAS CITY BOMBER.
Despite the box-office and critical success of this film, it has NEVER been released on VHS or DVD. Jeff, noted international conossieur and proprietor of the website Beautiful Atrocities (http://www.beautifulatrocities.com) has written to President George Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Senator Barbara Boxer and Senator Dianne Feinstein on this matter, but as of yet, achieved no success.
I am now writing to you, John, in the hope that you will apply your vast experience in international matters and your diplomatic talents to bring some REAL PROGRESS on this issue. I cannot impress upon you too much the urgency of this matter. While you're about it, have a word to Alexander Downer as well - I'm sure between yourselves, you and Al will be able to get things moving.

While I'm on the line to you, John, I might as well speak to you about another idea I have in mind. Have you noticed how hot it's been lately? I think it's got something to do with the Australian summer and the fact that a lot of our Great Continent lies in the tropics.
Well John, I'd like to do something about this, because I think you'd agree with me, nobody likes it to get too hot.
Here are my proposals:

1) We detach Australia from the continental plates and tug it further to the South, so that the top of Australia is pulled out of the tropics and the bottom is pulled into the Arctic zones.

2) We crop of the top parts of Australia and re-use them in the middle to create some mountains. These would make a very attractive tourist resort, and would be sure to provide a Much-needed Boost to our flagging rural businesses.

3) Rejoin Tasmania to the rest of Australia, and make it a part of NSW, thereby healing the historical rift between Taswegians and the rest of us, and taking a step on the road to reconciliation.

John, I am sure all this makes sense to you. If these proposals are undertaken, not only would hundreds of jobs be created, but Australia would be made a safe and happy place for kittens. Think of the kittens, John!

Your pal,
Tim
Received this reply:

Thank you for writing to me via e-mail. I appreciate the comments you

have made.

Although there will be no further correspondence via e-mail you may
receive a reply via Australia Post if you have supplied a postal address.

My office may also take the liberty to forward your correspondence to
other government ministers for their consideration.

Once again, thank you for your email.

Yours sincerely

John Howard
Prime Minister
*Sniff* He cares, he really really cares...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Go or No?

I've been thinking about leaving Newcastle. It might be the fact that I just need a change. Or it might be the fact that my cupboard door keeps on falling off, my washing machine just broke its lid, my oven doesn't work properly, my window won't open properly, and the wooden fence surrounding the verandah is falling apart at the seams.

My brother rang me up today and told me that his boss needs workers for a full-time job in rural Victoria, soon. The offer sounds mighty tempting. I'd love to save up some money so I can go overseas. (I'm currently working part-time/casual here in Newcastle, and am not earning much, either. Most of my money goes on rent and food.)

Is it time to quit? What is the best way to quit? Or maybe I should work out some ways to get fired:

a) Call the boss rude names

b) Grope my editor's bum (she hates me already, so this is guaranteed to work)

c) Start blogging at work instead of actually working at work (though this is based on the flawed assumption that I do actually do work at work, instead of blogging)

d) Contract leprosy - (I can't work properly if all my fingers drop off, can I?)

What do you think?

Blogging Into the Void

Received a nice comment about one of my posts today by email.

Now, I love getting praise about things that I write. But, like most writers, when I do get the praise, I feel disappointed.

I think it might have something to do with the schizophrenic nature of any writer - one minute you think you're a genius, the newest of the new, the avant-gardeist of the avant-garde. The next you look in despair at your work and see the same old tricks, the same old cliches: it doesn't flow, it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make you laugh, cry, think - it doesn't make you do anything.
So, as a writer, you alternately want to see these sides of your personality affirmed or denied; you welcome criticism but at the same time you long for praise.

And with blogging, you're never sure what you're going to get. It's in the nature of the medium to be both immediate and remote. As a blogger, you have an audience, but you're never sure who they are, what they're feeling, and how they react to your posts.

It's a bit like going on to a stage in front of a vast audience, staring into the footlights, and reciting some piece you've prepared, and you're not sure what the audience thinks of you, or what they think of the piece, or even who they are, really. With these exceptions: the stage is metaphorical, you're making the recitation up as you go along, and the audience are all sitting at home or at work in front of their computers.

Sometimes you produce mini-masterpieces. Sometimes, absolute nonsense. You usually don't even know what you mean yourself.

You are blogging into the void.

I Am Diverse, Multicultural, and Tolerant

Today in Newcastle three events happened.

A reactionary anti-immigrant group called the Concerned Citizens Collective met in Islington park at about 11.00am and held a sausage sizzle.
Turn Out: About 8 people

Under the Hamilton clocktower, a group of mostly socialists and/or Green party members met at about 11.00am held speeches, made chants, gave out copies of the Green Left Weekly, and told one another how they were diverse, multicultural, and tolerant.
Turn Out: About 40 people

In the Palais Royale Youth Venue, a group of mothers, children, community organisations, Sudanese people, politicians, volunteers, and Palais staff met at 12.30pm for a 'celebration of multiculturalism'.
Turn Out: About 150 people

Congratulations must go to Darp, of course, for organising the event, doing his best to stop the growth of racism in the community, and for providing ongoing coverage.
For me, one of the interesting moments happened early in the morning, when a socialist got up to the microphone and said words to this effect:

And these right-wing hate groups have happened because of capitalism.

He's wrong. The PYL are anti-capitalist as well; Robert McBeth - father of Stuart McBeth, the local representative for the PYL - was a member of the Labor party, and is described as having 'strong links in the party'.
Go to this comment here to see a typical statement by a PYL member - as usual, under the guise of anonymity - where he identifies global capitalism as the enemy and he identifies the 'solution' to this (segregation of the races and cultural protectionism). And scroll down to the comments below to see how the commenters on that thread carefully avoid arguing with him about this point.

No, capitalism is not an enemy. Under capitalist economies like those of Britian, America, and Australia, people have grown rich because they have had the freedom to associate, the freedom to trade, and the freedom of movement still not allowed in many other parts of the world. Al Bundy has it about right when he observes:

Dunno about you, readers, but there seems to be a few common threads running between the ideals of the far right, the Nimbin sandals-and-cheese-cloth set, and the academic left.

Al thinks he knows a better way, readers. Capitalism! - it is the antiseptic for all of the above brain miasmas. Use regularly.

UPDATE:
Before I log off, top marks must go to Michelle, Dale, Fiona, Barney, volunteers Laura, Corey, Matt, Andrew, and all my old mates at the Palais for opening it up on such short notice!

Friday, January 21, 2005

Horsing Around

I've been watching The Saddle Club on television. Don't laugh. It's actually quite an interesting show. Why are you laughing?
The fact is that it is a multifaceted program with many many rich layers of meaning and a serious ethical message for the world that we live in. Just look at some of the plots:

A valuable horse transported from France arrives at Pine Hollow but escapes into danger.
Veronica is a bitch.

Veronica's horse Garnet is kidnapped and The Saddle Club set out to solve the mystery.
Phil is really cool.
Veronica is still a bitch.

The Saddle Club befriends itinerant workers who arrive at Willow Creek with their beautiful horse Diablo.

Veronica is a bitch, ooh she's a bitch, she's a really bitchy bitch. That bitch.

Carole struggles to reconcile her feelings for Scooter when Lisa admits to her that she is in love with him.
Ashley is annoyed at Melanie.
Veronica is a bitch.

The bank is foreclosing on Pine Hollow and The Saddle Club desperately tries to find lost treasure to save it.
Veronica is a bitch.

Not only is the show strongly-plotted, but it has a thought-provoking Freudian subtext. Don't believe me? Come on...

Max has Oedipal feelings for Mrs. Reg.
Ashley is still annoyed at Melanie.
Veronica is, and remains, a bitch.

Kristi believes she was Diablo in a previous life, which would explain her erotic dreams about Garnet.
She wonders if this makes her a homosexual.
Veronica is a bitch.

Well, I believe that I have come up with the perfect Saddle-Club episode formula. Here are a few proposed saddle-club plots I'm working on; I'll send them in to the ABC shortly...

Episode 1:
A new boy comes to the Saddle Club.
His name is Adolf Hitler.
Kristi develops a crush on him, but Veronica gets in first and manages to ask him out.
Veronica finds herself in an ethically compromised position when Adolf admits to her his secret plans for world domination.
Phil masturbates.

Episode 2:
The forces of international communism threaten to send the Pine-hollow resort into bankruptcy.
Ashley finds a way to save the resort by investing in shares in a Columbian drug cartel.
Lisa goes riding a horse.
Veronica is a bitch, though she does help out by donating some of her shares in the Columbian cartel to the resort.

Episode 3:
Dorothee gets breast implants.
A horse falls sick, but nobody can work out why.
Scooter tries to snog Carole, but she tells him that she doesn't kiss people 'of his colour'.
Adolf starts a fire at the resort, and later admits to it, saying that he was practicing for 'The Reichstag'
Confronted by Max about his masturbating, Phil admits it may be becoming a problem.

Episode 4:
Someone tries to build a new development near the Pine-hollow resort.
Max is concerned that 'this high-rise development may ruin the rural character of the area, and drive some of our customers away from the Pine-hollow resort, even if it does create a couple of jobs'
Mrs. Reg buys a diesel-powered dildo made out of ol' hickory wood.
Veronica helpfully suggests that Adolf channel his urge to burn things down by burning down the new high-rise development.
Adolf complies and Veronica kisses him.
What a bitch.

Gold, all of it pure gold. Now don't you go about stealing my ideas, okay?

Definitive Proof

Here's a bit of an update on the Anthony Callea debate. HA HA HA writes in to say:

nevar herd of teh guy befoar but i just loked at his pictar on his web page an i hate im. hes clearly a c*nt. c*nt c*nt c*nt c*nt c*nt. what a f***ing c*nt. jesus crist what a c*nt. god damn what a total c*nt.

Now with that persuasive argument, how could anyone disagree with me? Anthony Callea sucks.

Woman Talk Man Talk

Here's a bit of a phone conversation I overheard on the bus yesterday.

Hello?
Oh hi.
No. No.
No, I did speak to her. And she said to ring Mandy.
So I rung Mandy, to see if she could go to the trivia.
Yes.
Yes, and I might have been a bit late because of my appointment at 7.30, but I'd still make it.
Yes.


Can you ever imagine a man having this sort of conversation? The best we can manage at the best of times is a sort of monosyllabic grunt, which works, most of the time we are around ... other people of the same sex. But with women... the conversation always seems to revolve around something Sharon told Karen that she'd heard Stacey tell Tracey, and the tone she said it in, and the clothes she was wearing at the time.

How could any man understand that? All the hideous complexities of human relationships dissolved into a single sentence? Give me a glass of beer and a roomful of men monosyllabically grunting at one another any day.

But there are dangers with that as well. I remember once I used the word 'uh' in an email with a girl and she said I was being condescending.

The fact is, a man could come home and find his wife swinging from the chandelier, wearing a Zena-like outfit, with the blood of their children smeared over her face (which is, incidentally, twisted into a demonic snarl), pistols blazing in both hands, screaming "HOW WAS YOUR DAY, MOTHERFUCKER????!!!!!" and he would probably answer,
"Oh, not so bad. How was yours, dear?"
before shuffling off to the kitchen to take his dinner out of the fridge.

Actually, that's an exaggeration. He might assume she was having PMT. But that's all.

Women are complicated.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Brisvegas

This is a review I finished today - of Spinster zine, sent to me by Darlene. I might try and get this published in Vibewire, too...

50 Things About Spinster Zine


Men are from Mars, Women are from Brisvegas

1. Spinster zine is produced by Brisvegans Darlene Taylor and Carmen Seaby.

2. The zine has an ancient and venerable history, going right back to late 2004!

3. Currently, a grand total of ONE Spinster zine has been published!

4. The magazine contains no mention of rhinoceroses, hippopotamuses, elephants, woolly mammoths, or other pachyderms.

5. Though it does have a kitsch 1950s photograph on the cover.

6. It also contains several well-written articles, mostly dealing with feminist issues.

7. Quote: ‘The “guilt”, “pain” and sanctimonious and oversimplified thinking guiding these correspondents might be familiar to many people raised in earlier times. Advice from the sickly-sweet counsellors such as “another good boundary is not to lie down together on the floor, couch, bed – anywhere” possibly also rings a bell, and reminds of a lack of ring-a-ding-ding.’(On an article about purity pledges, by Darlene)

8. Clearly, this ain’t a zine to share with your moma.

9. Unless your mama is a very cool liberation feminist and/or you want to shock her very badly.

10. You do not receive any free dildos and/or condoms with the zine.

11. Though perhaps if you did, the relatively low (and possibly non-existent) subscription rate could be boosted.

12. But we’re getting off track here.

Let’s Disagree to Agree

13. Spinster is a zine you can agree with -

14. Quote: ‘… the political leanings of newspaper publishers and managers colour reporting on sex differences. While conservative newspapers tend to use biology to explain those
differences, more liberal newspapers explaining them in terms of socio-cultural effects.’
(Sheila Gibbons, ‘Science Reporting Skews Sex Differences’).

15. Or: ‘…. I found it so strange in a book so concerned with women’s access to career paths and financial independence that NOT ONCE does she suggest that maybe men should take more responsibility for childcare’ (From Carmen Seaby’s review of The End of Equality, by Anne Summers)

16. Spinster is also a zine you can argue with:

17. Quote: ‘I could be married to a multi-millionaire, be a stay-at-home Mum and get the full payment… I don’t think there is a more blatant example of the patriarchal class system at work. It makes me so mad to know that low income-earners and women are so disadvantaged by the tax system. Is there a more blatant example of structural oppression?’(From the Anne Summers review, again)

18. ‘Is there a more blatant example of structural oppression?’ Yes. Easily - since the only alternative would be to grade the payments in relation to the amount of money earned by either member of the family, which would inevitably discriminate against people who attempt to move up through the different income brackets.

19. Spinster does not contain any examples of full-blown rantiferous communist propaganda;

20. (Although I was secretly half-hoping that it did. I love rantiferous communist propaganda,

21. and although it does contain at least one gratuituous joke about John Howard wanting to put women ‘back in the kitchen’. Ha ha, I’ve heard that one about a kazillion times…)

Bridget Jones’s Knickers

22. But then, you don’t just read a zine to get your own political prejudices confirmed. The best sort of zine will confirm other people’s political prejudices as well!

23. Which is the good thing about Spinster. It’s not an exclusively pro-feminism, capitalism, communism, consumerism, or any other type of ism –

24. (even if it did have a silly John Howard joke in it.)

25. It is open to submissions by both women and men;

26. It accepts that feminism isn’t the end to all the worlds troubles: ‘I have never considered myself a Radical Feminist, because believing the main form of oppression is based on gender ignores the way class, racism and many other types of oppression and discrimination impact on people’s lives.’

27. Plus, in the wise words of Darlene: ‘It’s easier to accept a thirty-two year old “singleton” would find herself getting asked tactless questions about her love-life, as well as debating whether to wear little knickers or big figure flattening ones, than it is to believe John Howard can do much about interest rates.

28. Hear, hear, Darlene. Why let John Howard get between a woman and her knickers?

29. (Er – forget I said that.)

No Traces of Nuts

30. Spinster zine does not contain any traces of nuts.

31. But it does contain several magazine reviews – of feminism magazines that you might actually want to read.

32. Bitch magazine, for instance.

33. Or Bust.

34. And it also has the following excellent articles:

35. Geek Grrrls Spreadin’ The News

36. Science Reporting Skews Sex Differences

37. Reviews of The Bride Stripped Bare and A Room Of One’s Own.

38. A history of feminism (A Long and Winding Road)

39. And When Loving Was Wrong? The Crime of Mary Kay Letorneau.

40. Quote (from the last article mentioned): ‘Women gain little by being viewed as inherently good and always acting for noble reasons like love.’

41. Exactly.

42. Spinster is, in short, a thoroughly enjoyable zine.

Dr. Tim Recommends…

43. Some recommended ways to read Spinster:

44. Skolling a bottle of vodka with one hand and clutching the zine in the other while wildly shagging your girlfriend and/or boyfriend and/or both;

45. (Who, of course, will also have both a bottle of vodka and Spinster zine in their hands)

46. Snorting coke off the very ample tits of Eccentrica Galumbitis, the Triple-Breasted-Whore of Eroticon 5 while a gigantic cockroach dangles the zine in your face;

47. As an excellent way of avoiding your share of the housework – ‘Have you taken the rubbish out yet?’ ‘Quiet! I’m deeply involved in this sassy postmodern take on the place of feminism in our neo-liberal society!’;

48. Or as an excellent way of passing your time between that moment when the comet strikes the earth and the antichrist rises to wreak havoc and destruction upon us all.

49. You can secure a copy ofSpinster by using the email address spinstermag@yahoo.com.au.

50. Thankyou.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Imperial Measurement of the Week

Imperial Measurement of the Week is 3 3/4 acres.

It's a little more than three acres, and not quite 4 acres.

Please put your hands together for this humble, but important measurement. And remember: you can't get to 5 acres without it.

Hate Mail Anticipated

My piece, 'Things Every Little Boy Should Know', has been published on Vibewire. Not sure what their readership make of it, but last time they published some pieces of mine (on the Election Tracker website), I got quite a lot of hate-mail.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Blabbering about Jabbernoir

The divine Miss Gemma King has just posted some Jabbernoir (translation: Jabberwocky + Film Noir) on her blog, a collaborative effort between her and the most underacknowledged unacknowledged blogger of his generation, Mr. Napoleon Hangover.

A small quote:

G - Strugidly I wimpered a restful figment. Pendulum dinged in my cleave badgery, I tamed it in horror as he eye-wiped me from the bar. I had to admit the way he flap-wassled my lychee brine gave me a twang bout the frip. A gizzly twang. I lapped a digit in suspense.

B - The band fired up about her, and she swined rimlessly to the beat, as they broke into a rendition of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity in G Minor, and as the Martine Borhmen reminded them that Minors were not allowed on the premises, they changed into a Masala Dosa in double time, and I began to Delhi-liciously Bollywood across the room toward her lascivious booths, bouncing in red leather armchair emulence, and snapping like angry mimes.


She's looking for feedback. So ...

Let's see, feedback, feedback... hmmm... okay, how about this....

First up, it's smashing, brilliant, funny, excellent, wonderful, and generally fantabulous.

Secondly, it's pretty hard offering advice about a piece like this... I mean, how to start? Criticise the spelling of 'I was clup snuppy sniding my flap wappies'? Or the grammar of 'I sauntered like a jew-fish in a pool of purple jelly through the red green vinyl rotating light'? Or the fact that technically, 'Lychee wine' doesn't scan properly? Any criticism like that is irrelevant.

That being said, how about a guest appearance? Rove McManus seems to appear in everything else nowadays, so why not in this poem? I think it should end with him being slaughtered violently to death with a blunt instrument, but that's just me.

You could probably cut a few things out, make it shorter, without really doing too much to the general meaning. Though I do like the way that it flows, the back-and-forth quality of it between you and Benito...

I would say it needs some sex and violence, but, um, it already appears to have that. Instead, I recommend that you make it even SEXIER and violenter! Also go with Adam's suggestion, work on the 'Noir' side of the equation.

It also appears to be lacking in a clear ideological standpoint on the Capitalist Exploitation of the Third World and the Imperialist Neo-con plan to take over Iraq's oil fields... which is an undoubted good thing.

Oh, and it also should have included a wide number of references to me, in a diversity of contexts, talking about my general wonderfulness.

And that's about it.

Channel Quiggin

The Quiggin Appeal

Presented by such unknown celebrities as (Not) Russell Crowe, Angelina Jolies Second Cousin(Ten Times Removed), and Elle MacPherson, and Some Other Chick.

(Not) Russell Crowe:
Hello, and welcome to Channel Quiggin, where for the next 24 hours, ecentric economist John Quiggin will be running this appeal to help the Tsunami victims of Asia.

Angelina Jolies Second Cousin (Ten Times Removed): Yes! In a vain attempt to up the number of readers and commenters at his site, Quiggin has promised to donate a dollar to a charity for every comment that appears in this post from now until Sunday midnight, Australian Time!

Elle Macpherson: I'm just here to look pretty and provide some neat filler while the producers set up the next camera shot!

Some Other Chick: And I've no idea what I'm doing here at all. First thing I know I'm watching my DVD of Legally Blonde, next thing I appear in this guys blog! I mean, sheesh! Talk about gratuitous!

(Not) Russell Crowe: So viewer, come on over to Channell Quiggin and make a comment, or even better, start an argument! Do it for the children!

Angelina Jolies Cousin (Ten Times Removed): And just to keep you interested, we'll cross now to the steps of the Sydney Opera House, where Anthony Callea is just going to sing his hit song...

Camera pans over the steps of the Opera House. Anthony Callea steps up to the podium, when all of a sudden, and for no reason at all... ten people dressed in Gorilla suits rush up the steps and beat Callea to death with their bare paws.

Angelina Jolies Cousin (Ten Times Removed): Er ... yes.... hahaha, Quiggin just called and said 'no swearing or offensive comments', so I guess we'll have to cut out the gratuitous violence as well... oh well...

(Not) Russell Crowe: But anyway, stay tuned to Channel Quiggin!

Your Assistunc Plez

Over the last couple of months, I have opened emails from all four corners of the world. I have been the recipient of offers from Nigerian businessmen, Saudi Arabian Bureaucrats, Brazilian travel agents, the Swiss National Lottery, and even the Hari Krishnas.

Postees have included MRS FABIOLA ANGEL, Sharlene Maxwell, NATIONAL EUROS, Augustine Villarreal, Hadys & Associates, Latham O. Marlon, Deandre Eason, Stanley Lugo, Cantu D. Stuart, SMITH BOWANI, Ahmed Teran, SMITH BOWANI (again), americanlaboratory, Jonas Lee, Carlena Peterson, Lucas, Chi Reyna, Leonard, Tad, and Kyeongso Rivera.

Some subject lines: Viagra Soft Tabs, New Impotence Treatment, Re[2]:i vse babi tvoi 37-PHM, Marketing for nickellis1982@yahoo.com, TREAT URGENT PLEASE, saxxualy expljcijt: See these real virgins' first time! dave, The revollutionaary and new peenjs enlaargment tool! alabamian and AWARD NOTIFICATION/FINAL INFORMATION.

Well, I have some news about these emails that may shock a lot of people - so, before you go on, I urge you to brace yourselves: THEY ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!!

Many of these emails are written by INTERNET CONMEN who are more interested in MAKING MONEY than in DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU!!!! A shock, I know, but it is TRUE!

What's worse, after extensive research, I have found that many of the 'names' of persons or organisations adopted are in fact untrue! That these names are in fact made up to hide the real identity of the person who is doing the emailing.

After further investigations, I have in fact determined that ALL of these emails are in reality sent out by this man. His real name is Arthur Smugs, and he lives in Penrith, Sydney, Australia. HE is the man to blame for this massive con-job! Indeed, I have alerted the authorities, and I expect that, as I type, ASIO are knocking at his front door to arrest him for his many crimes.

Tune in next week, when in another brilliant scoop, Tim reveals that 99% of all peope prosecuted for drink driving offences were drunk at the time the offence was committed...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Pregrogblog Blogpost

A new grogblogging session is in the air, and it promises to be nipple-lickingly good.

Supposedly Funny Contribution made to Allegedly 'Funny Times'

Tim T wrote:

Hi!

I have some pieces which might be suitable for the Funny Times and which I'd like to be paid for! Can I email them through to you, or would you prefer I mailed them?

Tim Train

***

--- George Cratcha wrote:

Hi Tim...

The reason we don't like e-mail is because contributors expect us to get back to them and with hundreds of submissions weekly, it would be a full-time job of writing e-mails for which we are not staffed. The beauty of snail mail is that conributors include a SASE and it is easy to send back their material with rejection letters (which is what happens to about 95% of it). You may submit electronically, especially since you live down under, but we can not e-mail you back if we don't want to use it. We will e-mail you however if we wish to publish something.

Cheers & Good Luck,
George
Business Mangler
Funny Times

***

Tim T wrote:

I'll mail them. Tomorrow. I hear that the Pony Express, or Pigeon Mail, or whatever it is you guys use nowadays, is pretty reliable.

Through rain or hail or sleet or snow
The mail will get there - next month or so.

Tim

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The Romantic Redneck

A piece I wrote inspired by Darlene's Advice for Sorry Single Chicks, but not released until now....

You’re young, good-lookin’, brainy, and you’ve got a good job bootin’ sheep up the bum at the farm. But somehow you can’t find a good-lookin’ chick to make that commitment to jump into the bed with you for a one-night stand.

But never fear, Tim is ‘ere, and he’s goin’ to give you all the stuff you ever need to know about winnin’ the women in

The Rednecks Guide to Romance

Chapter 1) Compliments

Now the first thing you’ve got to know about sheilas is that they’re absolutely in love with themselves. They love gettin’ good stuff said about them. So if you want to get that hot chick in the sack, you’ve got to remember to treat ‘er right an’ say the right stuff round ‘er. Here are some of the things you can compliment ‘er on:

Hair

Chicks change their hairstyle more often than most blokes change their underwear. Thing is, they change their hair to get noticed, while the only reason a bloke ever changes his underwear is if it’s so smelly that it gets noticed.

So rule one, mate – if you want to bed the babe, notice the hair.

Possible Drawbacks:

You’ve got to be careful with sheilas, they get offended about some weird-arse stuff. Like once I had this really beaut one on the go, real prize-ewe stuff, you know? And I commented one day when she got a new hairstyle. Turns out she had Leukemia and was going through chemotherapy. I couldn’t have known, of course, but she’s never talked to me since. A bit harsh, but that’s what chicks are like.

Clothing

Chicks and blokes are different, see? Chicks, their aim in life is to put clothes on; as for blokes, their aim is to take the clothing off (the chicks, that is)*. The way to do this is easy: say that she looks great in that dress, and you’re bound to get some of the action later. Dunno why this works, but it does.

Possible Drawbacks:

As usual, there are a couple of exceptions. You shouldn’t mention a chicks clothing at places like

- The swimming pool or the beach

- An exotic dancing nightclub

I’ve no idea why.

Brains

Let’s face it, in this day and age of sexual liberation, chicks are people too. Plus, not all of them are top-lookers, and though there are plenty of fish in the top-paddock, you can’t expect to shoot a wallaby every time.

Anyway, the point I’m gettin’ at is that sheilas get FULLY HOT if you mention their intellect. Deadset! Give it a go, you’ll see I’m right. The thing is, if a chick’s got a huge set of knockers but no brains at all, what fun would that be? You’ve got to acknowledge their brains too, mate! Try these compliments on for size:

1) “Cor, love what you’ve done with your cerebellum!”

2) “What a bewdy of a cortex you ‘ave there!”

3) “Gawd, that’s a gorgeous set of frontal lobes!”

Possible Drawbacks: Make sure you know the chick you’re talking about. My mate Jake once told a chick that he really liked the relative balancing of her neural synapses. Turns out she was a brain surgeon, and she gets that sort of stuff all the time from the guys at work. She was hopin’ he’d cop a look at her tits.

2) Be Original

There’s nothin’ that makes a chick more hot to trot, ready to take your cake and make the magic mao, than creativity. So fellers, be a bit original, think outside the square, and the sheilas are sure to love it! Try these suggestions for starters:

Become a Lesbian

If a chick won’t go out with you as a straight guy, maybe that’s because she’s a lesbian? You’re an open-minded, modern type of guy – so why not give Lesbianality a go? Pretty soon you’re bound to be rollin’ in offers from all those sheila-Lesbians out there!

Possible Drawbacks:

Some people* reckon that you have to be a poofter to be a lesbian. An’ after all, would you really want to take it up the cakehole just to be with a chick? I mean, chicks are nice an’ all, but that’s just goin’ too far!

But no worries, mate. Turns out you’re let off the hook. I mean, think about it: lesbians go to bed with women; poofters go to bed with other guys. So really, Lesbianility and Poofterism are two different things.

Ask Her to Marry You

All women are romantics at heart. So they’ll say yes to a smart, ‘andsome, bewdiful, rich (well – not quite) guy like you straight away. The great thing about marriage is – as one doctor once showed – you get the good stuff five-nights a day, eight weeks a month, an’ more on weekends.

Possible Drawbacks:

The wife might refuse to give you the rumpy-pumpy. But then, marriages are so short nowadays that they usually end pretty quickly. Just look at those well-known women, like Britney Spears – doesn’t take ‘em long to split up, does it?

3) Dating Etiquette

You’ve heard the saying, right? ‘Wine ‘er, dine ‘er, Sixty-nine ‘er!’ Well, sorry to say mate – it isn’t as simple as that. It’s one thing to ask a chick out to a date, it’s another thing to do the date right.

Take Her Somewhere Special

She ain’t gonna be impressed if you just take ‘er out to the local pub and have a coupla drinks. No – a night out has got to be fun, special, somethin’ she’s gonna remember for at least a day! Try these suggestions:

1) Roo-shootin’ with the mates

2) Rabbit-shootin’ with the occasional bit of roo-shootin’ mixed in

3) Wombat-shootin’, or a bit of rabbit-shootin’ and roo-shootin’ if the wombat’s ain’t comin’ out.

Possible Drawbacks: Make sure the chick ain’t a vegetarian, otherwise she’ll probably want to be taken out to a protest or somethin’ like that, and those things are never any fun.

*Except for my mate Bob, who for some reason likes to get dressed up in his Aunty Jasmine’s black ballgown whenever she’s not around and dance about singing ‘Y – M – C – A’. Sometimes I worry about him.

*By ‘some people’, I mean ‘my mate Bob’. Dunno what he reckons makes him so smart, but he’s a nice guy an’ all, so there you go.


Morning With The McBeths

Morning With The McBeths - a Miniature Drama

Enter Robert McBeth

Robert McBeth: (Coming into the dining room) Mornin', Stu ... Stu... goddern it, where is that boy when y' call for him? BOY!

Stewey McBeth: (From his bedroom) Dad, do you realise what time it is?

R.M.: How many times, boy, do I have to tell ya, we don't speak any of that English linger around here! Now talk properly to yer pa!

S.M: (Sighing) Aw, quit yer yappin', pa! (Comes out of his room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes) What do you want, anyway?

R.M.: It's 7.00am in the mornin'! How many times do I have to tell ya, if you want to grow up to be a good and strong fascist like yer pa, you're goin' ta have ta get up early in the mornin'! Like they say in the poem,

Early to bed, an' early to rise
Makes a fascist healthy, wealthy and wise -
That ain't just one more o' them filthy Zionist lies.

S.M.: (Enthusiastically) But pa! I've just been engaging in an excellent poste and riposte session with Sir Weezil, of The Forces of Darkness (TM) and I reckon I've got a good chance of winnin' him over to the cause!

R.M.: (Spits) Tarnation! You haven't been posting on that thar internet thingy again, have ya?

S.M.: I have...

R.M.: How many times do I have to tell you, boy, you ain't ever goin' to win anybody over to the cause that way! I mean, what are you goin' ta say? 'Hello there, Mr. Weezil, I'm the representative of a virulent modern racist ideology, you're a jaded old leftist hack! What say we sit down and have an intelligent discussion about nationalism?' Think about it, boy!

S.M.: (Casting his head down to the ground) Yeah, I guess so, pa...

R.M.: Good! Now, whar's mah breakfast! Mah slave was supposed to bring it to me five minutes ago!

S.M.: Pa, how many times do I have to tell you, slaves have been outlawed ever since the civil war in the middle of the nineteenth century...

R.M.: Yeah, I know yer right boy, but a man can dream, can't he? Now FETCH ME MAH COFFEE! An' make it flat white, mind ... I ain't havin' any blackness in mah coffee!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Ill Begotten Spawn of Satan and a Poo Sandwich

He is wretched, pathetic, malformed, grotesque, vomituous, awful, and all-round bad. He is, surely, the Ill-Begotten Spawn of Satan and a Poo Sandwich. He is the living example of what happens when true musical talent pimps itself out in the musical market to the most tasteless-waste-of-time-Eurotrash producer he can find.
And I am saying this on the basis of one song, and one song alone. Imagine what it will be like when he releases another song?

I really, really hate Anthony Callea.

How about you?

Baghdad Girl

"I am Raghda Zaid, I am 13 years old. I live in Baghdad and I love cats."

This is from the website Baghdad Girl. See certainly does love cats - check out her last six posts, if you don't believe me. When I first saw this blog, I was rather curious - how does she get so many commentators solely on the strength of a couple of cat pictures?

Actually, the reason that she gets so much traffic might be more to do with posts like this:


Thursday, September 23, 2004

A Big Bomb

The day before yesterday a big bomb exploded in Baghdad in Al -Rabee street near my house,Alot of peaple died in that explosion, and alot of cars were burned and so were the shopes.
The man who did this has kild alot of peaple(women,children,men). and i'm so sorry for losing lots of iraqi peaple.

raghda
posted by Raghda Zaid @ 11:41 PM


This could be her best post:


Thursday, July 15, 2004

Beautiful day

One day I opened my eyes and I saw light of the sun in the north of Iraq it was a beautiful morning, mom said let's go to the mountain and waterfall and have some fun so that we went(dad, mom, my brother and me) to the waterfall and we played and ate food, in afternoon we went back to our home.

*It was a beautiful picnic in the north of Iraq*

Raghda
posted by Raghda Zaid @ 1:29 AM


And this post is definitely the saddest.

As with all blogs, it attracts some - er - interesting commentators:


At 5:21 AM, Anonymous said…

Hi Baghdad Girl,

I am as sad as you are about the explosion that took place two days ago. Really it is a coward action by coward people, killing innocent people. I am Iraqi mom and I have a daughter Yasmine. She loves the pictures of cats you post always on your site. She did send you an e.mail sometime ago my daughter sent you an e.mail and I encouraged her to do so but she kept waiting for your reply. I left my beloved country Iraq 1992. I am just trying to figure out where is Rabee St. is it close to Hay El Jameaa. I really worry whenever I hear a car explosion and which area as I have lots of relatives in Baghdad. Glad you are ok and my prayers for all those affected. Keep the good work and good luck. ma el salama

At 12:15 AM, Anonymous said… this one is the best. you guys have a combined IQ of 4. this site would be an insult to a the intelligence of a goldfish. stupid stupid people.

At 2:29 PM, Anonymous said…

Good Ramadan Raghda. I am a retired English and literature teacher in Texas. I taught thirteen-year- old girls and boys for thirty-three years. I don't BLOG, but today I decided you read a few of them. I found yours and really enjoyed the pictures of your cats and reading your entries. My students would write entries in a daily journal and found them to be very helpful and entertaining. I will tell you what I told my students. Many years from now, you will read what you have written and you will be amazed at what you are experiencing now and what a great part you are playing in the history of your country and the world. Keep writing and write many details. My best to you and your family. May you be blessed with health, happiness and a long life.

At 12:08 PM, Anonymous said…

It should be "these cats" rather than "those cats".

Use those when someting doesn't belong to you or if something is away from you in distance, such as: "Are those your cats?" or "Look at those cats over there".

If something is close to you or belongs to you, use "these". Since it is your picture, on your site, it should be "these cats".

Just a friendly English grammar lesson!

At 1:09 AM, Anonymous said…

My God! Leave the poor girl alone. She traumatized enough just living there.

At 12:00 PM, hnk said…

So you love cat...haaa??
I hate it and you are my cousin there for you shant write some thing like this , you know I feel a fraid whene I see it. I dont love you raghda and I dont accept your pologize, dont try honny , that is not work.

At 12:22 PM, Altruistic Dad said…

Hi there. I've been browsing through your blog, and I noticed that you have a very tender and loving heart.

At 2:56 AM, hnk said…

ramadan kareem raghood,I sent you E-cards, but you don't open it yet, why?
I miss you so much,and I hope we can meet soon.....


I'm hooked. Visit Baghdadgirl.blogspot.com now!

UPDATE - Just added the top comment today (Wednesday 11); rest of post is unchanged.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Beautiful

The Campaign for Real Beauty:

For too long, beauty has been defined by narrow, stifling stereotypes... we believe real beauty comes in many shapes, sizes, and ages. It's why we started the campaign for real beauty, and why we hope you'll take part.



Aeeeeyaaaaaargh! I'm beautiful, I'm BEAUTIFUL!!!



The Big Bad Chinese Mother agrees.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Caught Within Her Steely Talons

It all started when I was at Uni. Go on, a friend said, have one. See what it's like.

So I smoked my first cigarette. It was the start of a sordid spiral into a world of decadence and addiction.

I've had a cigarette, at fairly regular six month intervals, ever since. At the TINA festival with Kathryn and David. Then at New Year's celebrations, with a pair of lawyers from Sydney called Peter and Nita. Now, between smokes, I find myself longing for the next cigarette, the next hit. Where is it going to come from?

I don't know. But it looks like I'm going to have to face up to facts: I'm an addict.

The Goddess Nicotine has me caught within her steely talons, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do give up. What will the withdrawal be like? Will I, in fact, survive?

Hold me. I'm scared.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Pro Procastination

A pro procrastination post. I'd post a comment about it on Red's blog, but frankly, I couldn't be bothered.

"I even have the ability to procrastinate procrastination itself!", claims Red. "If I get around to it, I will tell you how I manage to do that. See you next week!"

Actually, that's easy. All you have to do is to put off for next week what you had been planning to put off for tomorrow.

Anyway, there are other ways of wasting your time. Like, for instance, starting a blog post and not fini

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Don't Blame Me, I Only Wrote It

Inspiration for this piece of frabjuos claptrap comes from Harry Hutton, who has just posted a two act play on his website. So send the hired goons round to his house, if you please.


Puddlesborough-On-The-Wold: An Epic Poem in Half-an-Act, in the Manner of Dylan Thomas, Pace Chesterton, with Added Cheese for Extra Goodness

In Puddlesborough-on-the-Wold, things were going smoothly, as could be expected. Ms. Hoggins-nee-Goggins was preparing a little knapsack of jollies for Mentological inspection, and her neighbours, Mrs. Peasbury and Kneasbury, had popped round to examine her collection.

“Do you think?” said one.

“Quite so ...” said the other.

“Perhaps a little …?”

“But never extravagantly.”

“No, never extravagantly. Rather – diminutively?”

“Rather.”

“Quite so.”

*

Meantime, the Major had troubles of his own. Blasted Germans were dancing around in his back garden playing the accordion, singing Oktoberfest songs (and it wasn’t even Wednesday); while a Rhinoceros stamped hither and thither over his roof. If he hadn’t told Podger to clear the savannah from his roof once, he’d told him … a great many times indeed. And it was evening already.

“Mister – PODGER!” he roared. “Clear the Veldt from my awning THIS – INSTANT! I don’t want those D*N RHINO-HUNTERS on my roof again!”

Apart from that, the Liberal Democrats were getting restless in their cages. When he went out to collect eggs from them this morning, they had shoved out pamphlets at him through the cage bars, having something to do with the ‘unethical treatment of animals’ and the ‘unavoidable inevitability of the illegalisation of unlawful fox hunts’. Maybe it was the mating season.

And now – this:

“Well, it’s like this, sir,” said Sergeant Aughton. “You see, sir, it’s how I feel sir, and I thought sir, I ad to say somefink, sir.”

He’d been going on like this for hours.

“Get to the point, Sergeant!” growled the Major.

“Well, it’s like this, sir…”

The Major rolled his eyes. “Do you think it’s mating season?”

“Mating season, sir?”

“Yes, mating season, boy, mating season!”

“I wouldn’t … know, sir…”

“Nor do I. Something to do with sex, I believe.”

“Sex, sir?”

“Me neither, sergeant. Me neither.”

“Well, it just so appens, sir…”

(Somewhere in the distance a wolf howled…)

“… I was oping, sir…”

(The natives were beating their tom-toms again…)

“…. To ave a sex-change hoperation, sir.”

“What?” The Major sat bolt upright. “You were hoping to become – a woman?”

“Ah … no, sir – I was oping to become … Boris Johnson.”

“That’s it, sir!” shouted the Major angrily. “I can stand women in the army … vegetarians, maybe… darkies, yes … and those slant-eyed little Chinee, definitely … but TORIES, IN THE ARMED FORCES? NEVER!!!”

“Well, sir… I see I won’t get anywhere on this…” said the Sergeant primly, standing to attention.

“And bomb those Germans on the way out!” shouted the Major, as the Sergeant passed through the door.

*

Later that day, Alec Guinness, Richard Attenborough, and Cilla Black sat in a bomb bunker deep beneath the town as the Liberal Democrats ran gibbering through the streets, flinging atomic bombs and vials of Ebola down the streets like bowling balls.

“Oh, golly,” said Alec and Richard, watching the world explode. “Oh horror, oh gosh, oh bollocks.”

“If you turn on UK TV,” began Cilla, “They’re doing a re-run of The Good Life at the moment. Frightfully depressing, I know, but not so bad, really, compared to …”

Alec Guinness, who had had enough, took out a gun and shot her.

“”What did you think of that?”

“Oh, not bad,” said Richard Attenborough. “Timing a little off – but still … “

“One must nowadays…”

“Yes, one must…"

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Vote For Me, But Not Too Much

Dear Will Type For Food reader,

It has come to my attention that this blog has been nominated for several categories in the Australian Blog Awards:

Best Overall Australian Blog
Best NSW Australian Blog
Best Humorous Australian Blog
and Best New Australian Blog

Thanks! It gladdens my heart to know that there are so many devoted readers out there, and that I only had to ask one person to nominate me for a certain category!
Now, as you may know, Will Type For Food has long had a proud tradition of being the second-best or second-worst in such competitions. I have no intention of breaking this tradition! So when you go to vote in the Australian Blog Awards, I request you to bear this in mind: use your awesome voting powers to vote for this blog, but don't vote for me too much! I would like you to place a large amount of votes for me, but not an excessive amount. Go on - I know you can do it!

Blogs I recommend for the first place:

Best Overall Australian Blog: Jazzy Hands or Metal City

Best Post on an Australian Blog: I heart smoking on Jazzy Hands

Best NSW Blog: Gempires

Best Victorian Blog: Jazzy Hands or After Grog Blog

Best Tasmanian Blog: Red Interior

Best Queensland Blog: The Rat Pack

Best West Australian Blog: A Yobbo's View

Best South Australian Blog: Ubersportingpundit

Best Northern Territory Blog: Troppo Armadillo

Best ACT Blog: Whacking Day

Best Overseas Australian Blog: Slushpile, if it's legal to vote for Slushpile; Blithering Bunny, if not.

Best Humorous Australian Blog: Ausculture

Best Australian Personal Blog: Metal City or Jazzy Hands

Best Australian Political Blog: Tim Blair

Best New Australian Blog: Hateful Checkout Chick

The Rest: Whoever you like!

Things Every Little Boy Should Know

Wrote this piece at Christmas with my brother, just after we saw our nephew. His mum won't even let the poor kid play in sandpits, she's so worried about what might happen.
Sent it through to Vibewire, but they still haven't published it.
Thanks to Kathryn for helping with some suggestions about 'making little girls cry'.


Things Every Little Boy Should Know

I saw my nephew this Christmas, and I've got to say, being a kid nowadays is hard. In order to help him enjoy his childhood to its full (and, like me, continue enjoying it right into his late twenties), I've put together this handy guide. It's called 'Things Every Little Boy Should Know'.

1. All About Thumping

- Who To Thump

People smaller than you

Who Not To Thump

People bigger than you

- Exceptions

People the same size as you. These are kind of a grey area. I recommend that you gang up and go and do something nice and peaceful, like burning ant’s nests with magnifying glasses.

2. Dirt, and What It's Good For

- A Wonderful Thing

Dirt is a wonderful thing, even if your mother doesn't like it. You can play in it, make sand castles in it, and shove other kids faces in it. But the best thing about dirt is this: it gets you dirty. And what could be better than that?

- Dirt Pies

Dirt Pies are one of the many culinary delights that can be enjoyed as a child, and yet another one of the many benefits of dirt. (For more information, see 'Nutritional Matters', below)

- How Dirty Is Too Dirty?

There is no such thing as too dirty. Period. If your mother says otherwise, refer her to a copy of Dr. A. Grachenstein's classic scientific text on the matter, '1001 Wonderful Things About Dirt'.

3. Nutritional Matters

- Taking Candy Off Babies

Babies are really really annoying and tend to poo their pants a lot. But they're one of the facts of life, and since they're here, you should learn what you can get out of them. So, what can babies do for you? The answer to that is simple: they can give you candy. Candy, as every kid knows, is part of the five major food groups: Chocolate, soft drink, hot dogs, icecreams, and chips. It's an essential part of every kids diet, and it would actually be very bad for your health if you didn't have it three times every day. Trust me, it's a proven scientific fact.

Anyway, taking candy off babies is easy. Here's how you do it:

1) Go up to the baby

2) Take away it's candy

3) Eat the candy.

The really great thing about taking candy off babies is that they can't complain to their mothers. This makes it alright.

- Some Great Recipes

Dirt Pies

These are really easy to make. Take dirt, add some water, and eat. If you are feeling generous, you can also throw a dirt pie in a little kids face.

Wormburgers

Like Dirt Pies, but with added Worms.

Fried Snotballs

1) Take some snot

2) Fry it

3) Add a pinch of salt

4) Enjoy!

Vegemite, Syrup, Tomato Sauce, and Hot Dog Smoothie

Let's face it: these are all great foods on their own, so together, they taste - even better! Toss all the ingredients in the blender with some milk and turn on. Drink with some friends, or on your own!

Cornflake Pizza

This is a really classy recipe which was taught to me by some Italian kid. Basically, you take a pizza base, add cornflakes, weetbix, muesli, and any of your other favourite meals. Then add the normal pizza ingredients - bacon and cheese. Stick it in the oven until the cheese is melted. Share with the whole family!

- Red Cordial: How Much Is Too Much?

There's nothing I like better each afternoon than to get together with some mates and drink some red cordial. But the problem with drinking is this: how much is too much? You've got to admit, cordial can do some pretty weird things to a kid. Once me and my brother Lachlan got together and drunk twenty cups of red cordial in a row, and went down the street singing 'We All Should Do, a Smelly Smelly Poo' and it was all good fun at the time, but we woke up with a shocking hangover in the morning and a partial memory loss. Plus the old granny next door gives us a weird look every time we go past.

Still, cordial is one of the joys of life and can be had in moderation. Here's a quick guide to some of the more common cordials:

Lemon Cordial (or yellow cordial)

This is a classic, and can be enjoyed in medium quantities

Green Cordial

This stuff is a bit weirder, and you have to be pretty careful about how much you drink.

Red Cordial

Another classic, and pretty good if you don't drink too much.

Blue cordial

This is pretty far out sh*t, man, and we recommend you stay away from it. I once knew this Mexican kid who drunk blue cordial every day and night, and it did some pretty weird things to him. He was a nice enough guy, but one day he drunk three cups of blue cordial in a row, and started dancing down the street, saying that he'd seen God. I never saw him again.

We recommend you stick with the soft drinks, like Fanta and Coke, and only drink the heavy 'joy-juice' on special occasions.

4. Making People Cry

- Words That Make Your Mother Cry

The following are words that will make your mother cry.

Piss

Dick

Cock

Penis, Penisbreath, Penishead, Penisbrain, or any other variation on this theme

Poo, Poop, Plop

Doodle

Bum, Bottom

Boob, Booby, Boobiferous, Boobarama

Not that we're saying you should use them or anything, but hey - why not?

- How To Make Little Girls Cry

Little girls are pretty annoying, and tend to cry a lot. But making them cry is usually pretty funny, and you can do this in a great variety of ways. These include:

- Calling them names

- Squashing beetles, ants, and other little animals (or do what my

brother Lachlan does, and through rocks at Galahs).

- Flicking pieces of snot at them in the schoolroom

- Poke your tongue out at them

- Break their Barbie Doll

- Tell them they look like one of the Olsen Twins – the fat one.

On the other hand, they do tend to have bigger brothers who will thump you if you make them cry. Plus they have girl germs. I recommend you should stay away from them, or if you do want to make them cry, wear protective clothing, like gloves. And only do it once a week. Just look at me. I'm over 25 years old, and I still put on my gloves whenever I go near a girl. It hasn't failed me yet.

By Tim Train (with help from Lachlan Train)

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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