The last man alive in the entire world sat all alone in his house. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
"Who could that be at this late hour?" thought Terry, blinking in the morning sunlight. He made his way along the corridor to the door. Suddenly, he remembered that he didn't even have a door. Or a corridor, for that matter. Cursing, he stumbled out of the cupboard he had stumbled into only moments before.
"Edward!" called a voice from out on the street. "Edward! Edward! It's me!"
Terry stuck his head out of the window, and looked at the street three stories below.
"What the devil do you want, Arthur?" he shouted. "And my name's not Edward."
"Edward!" said the man. "I'm so glad I found you at last! I'm your long lost brother! And my name's not Arthur."
Terry peered at the fellow in the street below. "That can't be!" he called at last. "I was an only twin!"
"I died at birth!" said the man.
Terry clasped his hands to his chest. "Oh!" he cried. Could it be true? Ignoring the geometrical and spacial impossibilities, he hugged his long-lost brother to himself. "Oh, brother! It's been such a long time!"
They spoke until 11.00 am, noon, reminiscing about old times they shared together. This was made more convenient by the fact that they didn't share any. Since Terry did not like being called Edward and Gerry (for that was his name) did not like being called Arthur, they agreed to compromise and call one another Frank.
"Remember mother?" said Frank.
"Of course not!" replied Frank. "She died before conceiving us!"
They discovered that they shared a great deal in common. After being made mute by a failed paediatric operation, Gerry had taken up opera singing. Terry, meanwhile, had had an unfortunate encounter with music therapist, which left him profoundly blind. This proved to be the springboard for an international career in fine art criticism.
"But enough of the small talk," said Frank. "Nice weather today, isn't it?"
And then it happened.
Walking down the street on a bicycle came two of the most incredible, terrifying creatures that either of them had ever seen. It had eight limbs: four legs and five arms. One had green scales with a blue tint, the other hand blue fur with a green tint.
"PEOPLE OF EARTH!" said the first scaley monster, speaking in the German language, using Chinese words, and Spanish grammar, "PREPARE TO BE ANNIHILATED!"
"WE HAVE OBSERVED YOUR PLANET FOR AEONS," said the second furry monster, in the Chinese language, using Spanish words, and German grammar, "WITH OUR VAST INTELLECTS, WE HAVE SEEN YOU GO TO AND FRO UPON YOUR PLANET AS BACILLAE HAVE SWARMED BENEATH THE MICROSCOPE. AND NOW, WE WILL DESTROY YOU!"
A feeling of dread came over Terry. It was the thing that he had been dreading all his life; the once-in-a-lifetime, never to be repeated event that happened everyday at this time.
But maybe ... just maybe, this time would be different. Or would it really? No.
"Please stop!" squealed Terry in the English language using English words. "We surrender!"
The aliens lifted up their death rays in their tenth arms and fired ...
Terry and Gerry rubbed their arms and winced.
"I told you these death rays would hurt someone one of these days, Zalkmar!" whined Zilkmar, throwing his down.
"Well, what can I do?" grumbled Zalkmar, folding seven of his arms in front of his body and scratching his head with the other nine. "Put a sticker on them saying, 'CAUTION: DEATH RAYS. DO NOT TOUCH?"
Terry sighed. This is what happened every day ...
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- The Beginning of Modernism - The Rather Silly Vers...
- Laptop Nonupdate
- Crazy Man Without Eyes Inviting You To Come ...
- Great Books That Have Never Been Written
- Attention Platform 7
- We Protest! We Protest!
- The Lost Post Post
- Post Post
- One Fine Day In The Middle Of The Night
- The Eyeless Labourer In The Night
- Guess The Political Cliche!
- Thought-and-a-Half For The Day
- The Poet's Dictionary
- Strophes, Apostrophes, Shouting, and Tits: Some te...
- How About That, Eh?
- Today Will Be A Day Like Any Other Day
- History Lesson Number 1: The Sandwich of Earl
- Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Hoppiness
- In The Halls of Higer [sic] Ed ...
- True But Inaccurate
- My Weekend, By Timothy H Train
- Fresh Minds To Warp
- Days of Whine and Rage, or Rants of a Disgruntled ...
- Romantic Tips For Sensitive Zombies
- Things I Have Learned After Reading H. Rider Hagga...
- Pedant's Pleasure
- An Unuseful Phrase
- ▼ March (29)
- ► 2005 (287)