This is a romantic advice column for zombies. If you are not a zombie, then you had probably better stop reading now. If you are not a zombie, then, I do not hesitate in saying that this is probably the most inappropriate romantic guide that you will ever read in your life.
If you are a zombie, however, it is quite appropriate.
If you look like this, then keep reading.
1. Communication is essential to all zombies in a relationship. Remember, guy zombies, if you're going out with a girl zombie, always tell her how much she means to you.Here are some conversational pointers:
'When I leer into your eye-sockets, my heart swells with horror.'
'Oh, Repulsiva. You fill me with such sweet revulsion, as another would feel upon gazing at a hollowed out skull filled with maggots. Be mine!'
2. Take her out somewhere nice. Remember, just because you feel like going to the local McDonalds and eating some of the customers doesn't mean she does. Perhaps she prefers a romantic evening spent in the graveyard, savaging some of the Goths?
3. Many girl zombies like dancing, but always remember, when you are holding her, refrain from biting her limbs off. This sort of behaviour is to be confined to the bedchamber. This may seem a little old-fashioned to some of you younger zombies out there, but it is the right thing to do.
4. If her arm, leg, or head falls off while you are kissing her, be polite. Store them in a safe place before continuing.
5. If, on the other hand, she is feeling adventurous, leave them out, and you could have a great deal of fun. One of the great advantages of being a zombie is that you can put your limbs to a great deal of use before screwing them on again afterwards.
(If this column interests you, you might like to look at some of the other useful publications:
How to Succeed in Hell Without Really Frying
Which Are Better: Zombies or Hippies? A scientific examination.
Culture for the Brainless Undead: an Introduction to Conceptual Art
The Family That Slays Together Stays Together
How To Find a Career in Inhuman Resources)
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2014 (114)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- The Beginning of Modernism - The Rather Silly Vers...
- Laptop Nonupdate
- Crazy Man Without Eyes Inviting You To Come ...
- Great Books That Have Never Been Written
- Attention Platform 7
- We Protest! We Protest!
- The Lost Post Post
- Post Post
- One Fine Day In The Middle Of The Night
- The Eyeless Labourer In The Night
- Guess The Political Cliche!
- Thought-and-a-Half For The Day
- The Poet's Dictionary
- Strophes, Apostrophes, Shouting, and Tits: Some te...
- How About That, Eh?
- Today Will Be A Day Like Any Other Day
- History Lesson Number 1: The Sandwich of Earl
- Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Hoppiness
- In The Halls of Higer [sic] Ed ...
- True But Inaccurate
- My Weekend, By Timothy H Train
- Fresh Minds To Warp
- Days of Whine and Rage, or Rants of a Disgruntled ...
- Romantic Tips For Sensitive Zombies
- Things I Have Learned After Reading H. Rider Hagga...
- Pedant's Pleasure
- An Unuseful Phrase
- ▼ March (29)
- ► 2005 (287)