kidattypewriter

Sunday, March 12, 2006

True But Inaccurate

Craptop


Computer manufactured in a Vietnamese sweatshop. Comes with a -6 month warranty. Free Virus with every computer! Produces copious amounts of black smoke when left on for more than two minutes.

Hellphone
Machine designed by Satan to destroy the English language by encouraging mispelling, and inconsequential discussions: eg, "Hello? Yes! Hi! How are you? I'm on the bus, so I can't talk right now ..." etc, ad nauseum, ipso facto.

Internet Wanking
Ingenious method by which you can lose money to two companies at once, by paying internet fees and credit card debts. The single most important basis of our web-based economy.

Subturban


A suburb of a major city that is populated by Sikhs. (See also Subdurban, an area in Durban, South Africa)

Retropolis
1) City that is several years culturally, stylistically, and politically behind the times. For instance, the entire suburb of Fitzroy in Melbourne is precisely 30 years behind the times. If you visit there you will find that the Whitlam dismissal is yet to happen.
Visiting a Retropolis is a cheap but effective way of visiting the past. The only problem is that once visiting you may become stuck, and have to wait several years for the present to happen again ...
2) City that is populated entirely by retrosexuals.

Inhuman Resources
Employment company for undead beings. About the only sort that exists nowadays.

Indifferentiation
A mathematical operation you would do in homework if you could be bothered.

Untergration



A mathematical operation by which the person performing the operation becomes transformed into a bizarre, Poindexter-like creature unable to mix with the rest of his peers at school/university. The opposite of Indifferentiation (see above).

Majorker
Spanish version of the New Yorker.

6 comments:

JPW said...

"WE'LL PROBABLY GET CUT OFF, BECAUSE I'M GOING INTO THE TUNNEL! THE CITY LOOP TUNNEL! YEAH, IT USUALLY CUTS YOU OFF! WHAT? NO RECEPTION I SUPPOSE! I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN TEN! OKAY! HA HA HA HA HA! YEAH, SHE'S GREAT! WE WENT DOWN TO GREAT OCEAN ROAD ON TH-...HELLO? HELLO?" *looks at phone* "HELLO?"

Two minutes later.

"HA HA HA HA HA! YEAH, I GUESS WE GOT CUT OFF IN THE TUNNEL! DIDN'T EXPECT THAT! NO, THIS IS MY NORMAL TALKING VOICE!"

Cunts.

TimT said...

Mr Wall, that's exactly what I would have written in that post if I could have been bothered and had a little more imagination. You, sir, are on the money.

Major Anya said...

Where do I buy me one of those computers?

TimT said...

It just so happens, I have one right here ...

Caz said...

James - beautiful work, just beautiful.

(And yes, I too love the way people talk into their mobiles as if they are using a tin can with a string attached. Why doesn't anyone believe that the technology actually works? Oh, okay, at least until it unexpectedly cuts out when you go into the tunnel.)

Ben said...

What I really don't get is why they call back at the next station when they know the person was going into the loop.

Even less believable is that the person on the train answers and resumes conversation - knowing they will be cut off again as soon as the train leaves that station and goes back in the tunnel!

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive

About Me

My Photo
Me person. Live in world. Like stuff. Need job. Need BRAINS! (DROOLS IN THE MANNER OF ZOMBIES) Ergggggh ...