kidattypewriter

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Consider Onan

Let us pause to consider Onan.

He is the individual, mentioned in Genesis, who is singled out for the crime of 'spilling his seed'. In other words, Onan spanked the monke; he slapped the salami; he pulled the one-eyed trouser snake.

In short, Onan was a wanker: Onan is, in fact, one of the first recorded historical instances of a wanker. What is so unfortunate, in Onan's case, is that this is his only recorded historical deed. Imagine what effect this must have on his descendants! Would the House of Onan even dare to mix with polite company? The masturbatory tendencies of their elder patriarch and founding father may be in some sense reprehensible, but is it fair that the 'Sins of the Fathers be visited upon the sons/daughters'? Surely not!

Horrible crimes have been committed through history. The Old Testament records with vigour and clarity many of these crimes, and the retribution and judgment exacted against the individuals who have committed these crimes. But surely it is an exaggeration to say that Onan ranks, in his crime, alongside the devotees of Baal, for instance, who were said to sacrifice children to their cruel and maleficient Lord!

It is time to wipe the slate clean. Ladies and gentlemen, on this morning, I ask you to consider Onan. And to forgive.

15 comments:

Caz said...

Indeed, Onan could be considered the first recorded instance of using a form of contraception. Considerate rather than wasteful. More hero than wanker.

TimT said...

I wondered about that. The Bible - or at least the translation we have - doesn't actually specify how Onan spilled his seed, whether it was through the 'old five handed widow', or through other means - ie, original sexual positions. He may not have even been a wanker. Onan lucks out again!

ras said...

I have no problem with that, he obviously enjoyed it...more power to him, not enough recorded instances in history of people enjoying themselves!!! Onya Onan!

(possibly literally onya too :P )

TimT said...

He was born approximately three thousand years before his time. In today's liberal day and age, he would be a happy chappy.:(

ras said...

Yeah, I was listening to hack last year and there was a story about a masturbation only club in Melbourne.

Onan would be a perfect mascot for them would he

TimT said...

Gah. Really?

I bet they live in Fitzroy!

TimT said...

Egads! Here they are!

http://www.home.aone.net.au/~melbournewankers/home.html

They're not Fitzroy based, they're closer to St Kilda.

Splatterbottom said...

If Onan was the original onanist, he would not have descendants to worry about.

He was probably a seedy character, anyway.

Also, about that wankers' club, if you do it collectively is it really still a solitary vice. That sounds more like group sex.

Still, wanking is probably the practice most suited to our narcisistic times. Having sex with the most perfect person in the world is great. You don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else, and there is no risk of STDs or unwanted pregnancy. Yes, handcream happiness is certaily the way to go.

ras said...

Onan was really years ahead of his time.

TimT said...

The hand accepts you for what you are. The hand loves.

(.... I can't believe I am typing this!)

Splatterbottom said...

(.... I can't believe I am typing this!)

Typing one-handed, no doubt!

TimT said...

Shut up, shut up!

With a name like Splatterbottom ... the mind boggles ...

Splatterbottom said...

With a name like Splatterbottom ... the mind boggles ...

Yes, I often get calluses on my hands. I call it fistic fibrosis.

ras said...

Have you had a look at the links?

The Mexcian Milkers Club
The New York jacks

and they use grapeseed oil

sounds to me like onan and bacchus were both in on this one

hot body to hand to hot body to hand

to hand cream

TimT said...

And when the job's done, they shake hands? Left hands, obviously ...

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive

About Me

My Photo
Me person. Live in world. Like stuff. Need job. Need BRAINS! (DROOLS IN THE MANNER OF ZOMBIES) Ergggggh ...