kidattypewriter

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Moral Progress of Man

Old Morality:
Give unto the poor.

Modern Morality:
Give unto the governments to give unto the public servants to render public services to the poor that they neither need nor understand.

Old Morality:
Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Modern Morality:
Feel good about yourself, don't worry about anyone else.

Old Morality:
Thou shalt not kill.

Modern Morality:
But it's perfectly alright for unelected dictators to kill as many people as they like, so long as they keep it in their own country.

Old Morality:
If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out.

Modern Morality:
If thine eye offend thee, have you considered botox or one of the wide range of cosmetic surgery options that are available to you? I have the number of a good plastic surgeon, if you like.

Old Morality:
The meek shall inherit the Earth.

Modern Morality:
The loud shall inherit the goods taken from the meek.

Old Morality:
The truth will set you free.

Modern Morality:
'Truth' and 'free' are merely outdated moral constructs. Truly.

Old Morality:
Carpe diem - seize the day.

Modern Morality:
Seize the day, as long as you don't do anything potentially dangerous to your health; offensive to people of different ethnic backgrounds or genders; or against the law.

Old Morality:
Love one another.

Modern Morality:
Who cares about love? I'm just in it for the sex.

Old Morality:
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

New Morality:
Life, except when it's inconvenient for others; 'liberty', insofar as such archaic definitions still exist; the pursuit of happiness, or the nearest available chemical substitute.

Old Morality:
Look before you leap.

New Morality:
Don't leap. That would be potentially hazardous to your health.

11 comments:

MrLefty said...

Interesting list, Tim.

Of course, I've never met anyone who espouses what you call the "new morality".

Some of it does sound a bit like the strawman, non-existent version of the left that I see conservatives sometimes rail against, though - but I'm sure that's not what you were hinting at.

TimT said...

Feel free to make up your own list. I've seen the alternative, 'left' version of some of these precepts plenty of times - you know, 'John Howard doesn't give to the poor, he takes money from the poor and gives it to the rich!'

It's not a satirical attack of any one element of society, just a few satirical jabs at some of my pet hates.

ras said...

I think you've got it spot on actually Tim.

I was laughing as i read the whole thing.

Only because if i didnt laugh i'd cry

Keri said...

Thought you said the morals of society don't change over time? :)

TimT said...

Thanks Ras.

Keri, put it this way: which of these two morals ...

Old Morality:
Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Modern Morality:
Feel good about yourself, don't worry about anyone else.


... do you feel is more relevant and more more accurate?

MrLefty said...

The second isn't a moral, it's simply the opposite of the first. And I don't know who you're saying would argue that it was a "moral" or a "virtue".

TimT said...

I think the first moral is a more truthful and lasting ethical precept; but the second is relevant: there are plenty of selfish people who would follow the second and ignore the first.

Keri said...

The first is morality, the second is an attitude, I would say.

ras said...

i've actually met heaps of people espousing these new morals....

the same people who talk about 'friends with benefits'

and the rest of them were hippies :-/

Patrick said...

Actually I think it's pretty spot on. While some may argue that some of what you listed does not qualify as "morality" which is possibly correct, but to argue that misses the point.

Missing the point is not suprising for some people though.

TimT said...

I think it qualifies as morality, just not a very good version of it.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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