kidattypewriter

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Mr Manners Says ...

Got a problem telling a salad fork apart from the other forks? Not sure whether to say 'I beg your pardon' or 'I do apologise'? Just ask Mr Manners!



PROBLEM:
You write an essay entitled 'Hitler was right' and hand it in to your lecturer. He/she refuses to mark it on the grounds that it is 'offensive'.

EXPLANATION:
You really need to be more sensitive when titling your essay. Perhaps your lecturer was a Stalinist, and took offense at your failing to mention the great Soviet leader?
Also, in these postmodern times, where the very notion of ethics has been successfully deconstructed, who are you to insist what is 'right' and 'wrong'?

SOLUTION:
Next time, it would be more courteous to title your essay 'Hitler Had Some Good Points, Too!'

PROBLEM:
You are the host of a dinner party for several sensitive and intelligent people, and for the meal, you serve a delicious bowl of dog-steak in pie. Several of your guests vomit, and you can't work out why.

EXPLANATION:
In these days, people are becoming increasingly aware of the effects of high cholesterol or high glycaemic index on their blood pressure.

SOLUTION:
Next time, you might consider serving flambeed cat, sauted koala, or any number of other, healthier meals.

PROBLEM:
You are giving a speech at a meeting of the International Bleeding Heart Pinko Socialist Left. You mention in passsinbg your slit-eyed dago wop darkie chink harpie kyke slurry neighbours. Everyone looks at you strangely.

EXPLANATION:
You idiot! Socialist meetings are full of slit-eyed dago wop darkie chink harpie kyke slurries, and chances are, one of them might even be your neighbour!

SOLUTION:
Next time, try not to state the bleeding obvious.

PROBLEM:
You're having some hot and spicy S&M sex with your girlfriend. You're playing the naughty but nice schoolboy, and she's playing the stern but exacting schoolmistress. She's in the middle of giving you a good hard caning. You shift your position on the bed a little, and she falls and breaks the cane. You blush a little and say sorry.

EXPLANATION:
Sorry? Saying sorry just doesn't cut it around here, young man! She's here to discipline you, and to punish you by causing pain in as lacerating a manner as possible. This is not about comfort or enjoyment, you spineless worm! You just stay still and take your punishment like a boy!

SOLUTION:
Time to bring out the spiked paddles.

PROBLEM:
A person trying to give up smoking asks you for a cigarette, and you give them one.

EXPLANATION:
This is just never done.

SOLUTION:
When they ask you for a cigarette, take out a textbook on the dangers of smoking and read them a chapter or two; tell them about the increased likelihood of lung and chest cancer, and the effect of smoking on unborn babies and young children; remind them that passive smoking can seriously impact on the health of workmates and friends; and don't forget to mention the link between tobacco and harder drugs, and between smoking and bushfires. Take them to a class of people who have given up on cigarettes, and show them a series of pictures of people in the advanced stages of lung cancer, and of the effects of tar and nicotine poisoning on their diet. Make them take the cigarettes out of their pockets and throw them, one by one, down the toilet.

Then, when all that is done, take two cigarettes out of your pocket, light up, and give one to your friend.

They will appreciate it so much more.


PROBLEM:
Your ex-girlfriend tells you to stop stalking her.

EXPLANATION:
She has a good point. Stalking ex-girlfriends is most impolite.

SOLUTION:
Why don't you stalk the pretty girl you met at the bus stop instead? You have better chances with her.

PROBLEM:
A manic depressive friend asks you to kill him, so you do.

EXPLANATION:
Be a little considerate.

SOLUTION:
Give them time to say thank you and write a suicide note to their family, as well as include you in their will.

PROBLEM:
You give your blind friend a lifetime's suybscription to Playboy as a birthday present. He is offended.

EXPLANATION:
Fool, Playboy doesn't publish in Braile.

SOLUTION:
But Hustler does.

PROBLEM:
You're in the middle of wild extra-marital sex with the wife of your best friend's brother. Your best friend walks into the room, and you both stare uncomfortably at one another for several moments. You laugh uneasily, uncertain of what to do.

EXPLANATION:
Again, you have failed to be considerate.

SOLUTION:
Why don't you ask him to join in?

PROBLEM:
You are at a poetry reading. You go on stage, drop your pants, and crap all over the floor. Several audience members get up and leave.

EXPLANATION:
Ever since one conceptual artist canned his own excrement, crap has been passe, as far as the avant garde is concerned. And being passe is the rudest thing of all.

SOLUTION:
Next time, why not try reingesting your own excrement? It's original, it's stylish, it has flair, and it could be interpreted as an excellent symbolic commentary on the Middle East. I have the number of the Australian Arts Council, if you're interested.

PROBLEM:
You are treating your fiancee to a fine night's dining. Everything is going well, until dessert is served. It consists of three kinds of icecream, hundreds and thousands, maple syrup, boysenberry topping, banana, pear, and whipped cream, all served upon a pert and nubile Asian woman with fucking fantastic tits.
Your fiancee slaps you, spits on your face, and throws your ten thousand dollar engagement ring in the rubbish on the way out.

EXPLANATION:
You cretin! It's nothing without the cherry on top!

SOLUTION:
Next time, choose a restaurant that serves naked desserts with flair.


Mr Manners can be found giving advice at the nearest pub or club.

(Post cheerfully inspired by this comment at The Spin Starts Here. )

2 comments:

QC said...

Sorry, but Mr. Manners has that last one DEAD WRONG.

If the man in question had any consideration whatsoever, he'd insist on not one, but TWO cherries on top. One for each of them. It's far more romantic that way.

TimT said...

That's an excellent point, Madam!

Though I'm not sure that Mr Manners would agree. Being wrong is impolite.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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