kidattypewriter

Sunday, August 06, 2006

What the hell are you smiling at?


This smile is not to be trusted.

Charnel scenes in Hollywood today, when Julia Roberts' famed smile broke free from her face and went on a rampage.

Julia Roberts could only look on in expressionless horror, as the psychopathic smile that had once adorned her face wreaked a path of death and destruction through Hollywood.
At the house of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, the smile attacked Paltrow's left hand, biting off her pinky before flying at Chris Martin's throat. It had to be attacked with fly-spray before leaving!
Over the next four hours, the smile continued to terrorise Tinseltown, biting out Tom Cruise's eye, taking a chunk out of several of Arnold Schwarzenegger's pectoral muscles, and attempting to chew its way through Patrick Stewart's head into his brain.

A weeping Julia Roberts alerted Hollywood police to the unfolding tragedy, but since her mouth and smile were gone, she found it difficult to talk.
After several moments of meaningless mumbling, Roberts finally managed to get her message across to police by writing it on a notepad they gave her.

While the police frantically tried to locate Roberts' smile, it continued to beat a bloody path through Hollywood's best and brightest, attacking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck, Joss Whedon, and Freddy Prinze Junior, and even Woody Allen.
The sinister smile was only stopped when Steve Buscemi's trademark 'I-know-something-you-don't' smirk leapt from his face, and locked Roberts lips in a desperate duel, tongue-tying it while police arrived.

Roberts' smile is being held for questioning by police. The rest of her is free to go.

If you or a family member have been traumatised by Ms Roberts' smile, you are urged to contact police on 911 immediately.

TIMELINE OF TERROR:

9.12 AM - Roberts' smile, spying a passing Jennifer Aniston, leap from her face and attempt to accost the star.
10.00 AM - Paltrow and Martin attacked.

11.00 AM - Roberts contacts the police.

12.15 PM - Smile roams at large through Tinseltown.

1.00 PM - Tom Cruise, Schwarzenegger, and Patrick Stewart attacked.

2.33 PM - Smile still at large. Attacks several more movie stars.

3.05 PM - Buscemi's smirk bravely wrestles Roberts' smile to the ground.

3.16 PM - Police arrive. Roberts' smile is taken away for custody.

4 comments:

ras said...

Reminds me of a family guy episode with Julia Roberts segment...

"me, me, me ME!!! Oh Meeeee!!!!"

or another notable Family Guy Quote
"have you seen the lips on that Julia Roberts woman? Like a Baboons Ass!"

Caz said...

Joss Whedon?

Who?

TimT said...

Ras - hilarious!

Caz - Joss Whedon, he's the guy who wrote Buffy the Vampire Slayer; he's also written for a number of Hollywood films. I've no idea where he actually lives, but I just chucked him in there for artistic verisimilitude 'n' stuff.

Caz said...

Aarrrh - yep, should have known the name.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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