kidattypewriter

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Murdering With a Grin

God, I hate them. You know who they are - I KNOW you know who they are. The people who lurk in office corners, in shady kitchens or by the bathroom, and smile and wave as you go past. Perhaps they'll innocently offer a greeting. 'Hello, Tim.' Or simperingly ask you, 'How are you, Tim?' How can you answer back? Your easiest solution is often to mutter something in pidgin-French and shuffle quickly into the bathroom before they say something else.

They are the true bastards of modern life. They are the People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name. In fact, just in the past week, from these People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name, I have received:

- Five greetings from the People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name.

- Four hand waves with evil intent from the People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name.

- Innumerable malicious looks, thinly disguised as cheery grins from the People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name.

But why? Why do People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name do this to you? Why, to put it bluntly, do the People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name, act as if You Knew Their Name And You Are In Fact Very Good Friends With Them? Is it simply an assertion of their superiority over you? I suspect not: I suspect that People Who Know Your Name And Know You Don't Know Their Name are simply expressing their natural, misanthropic tendencies (everyone has them, after all) by going out of their way to piss off as many people in the office as possible: they are murdering with a grin.

And if you're in a misanthropic mood (and you probably are), you might like to try it yourself. Go up to a random person in the street, grin nefariously and wave with malicious intent, and leave them there - wondering who the bloody hell you are.

Pissing people off is one of the simplest pleasures a misanthrope has. And let's face it; people probably deserve it.

6 comments:

ras said...

I have this same issue in the office i work in. Being Sys Admin you service the whole floor, so everyone knows your name....unfortunatley, while its possible to remember my name, just one name, its not possible for me to remember 150 names. So, I've developed some simple ways of getting around this, especially at the moment with all the old employees gone and a new bunch in whose names i have no interest in knowing because I too will be leaving soon.

1. Use "Mate" in place of name

eg "How's things Tim?"
"Good mate, and how are you?"

2. Call everyone "Dave"

eg "Hey Timmy"
"Hey Dave"

3. develop speech patterns which mean you can avoid using names and always look busy so you have a percieved excuse for not remembering names.

eg "Hi Tim"
"Hiiii!"

Works for me!

TimT said...

I do mostly 1) and 2).

With 2) I vary it a bit.

HER: "Hi Tim."
TIM: "Hi Dave."
HER: "I'm not called Dave!"
TIM: "I'll just call you Bob, then. Easy to remember."

So you can usually make a joke and get out of it.

Then again, you want to be careful. If they're actually called Dave you might offend them ...

ras said...

you know someone i work with used number two and I actually started calling someone dave cause i thought thats what his name was

turns out it was peter

but i still call him dave

TimT said...

It's a bit like the joke Oscar Wilde used in 'The Importance of Being Earnest'. A lot of the comedy is just confusion over everyone's names, and pretty much ALL of the names Wilde used in that play were 19th century homosexual jokes! There was Cousin 'Cecily', which apparently meant a young rent boy, and Earnest himself: his name pretty much just meant gay!

I wrote a joke play called something like 'Ernest Worthington Winthropp Stubbs-Simms Walthorpe Jones', which pretty much had the characters going around saying their names at one another. (They occasionally pulled pistols on one another and wore false moustaches, as well)

Anonymous said...

My sister had a brief fling with someone called Earnest

As I love Oscar Wilde I could not help making jokes about "The importance of Being Earnest" for the whole duration of it.

I have an Oscar(cranky fish) named after Oscar Wilde.... Maybe I should call him Earnest

TimT said...

A couple of months ago, I read 'The Portrait of Dorian Gray' by Wilde - top stuff. He's not just a one-hit wonder!

So long as your sister and Ernest were gay (as in happy) about the whole thing, then that's alright.

According to word verification, my blog is called 'aeryl'.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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