kidattypewriter

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Chronological Eccentricities of James Bond Films

I went to see Casino Royale last night, and I was pretty much thinking the same thing while watching the film that Caz talks about here. "The latest Bond film is supposed to be the "first" Bond adventures, and about how James Bond got started - it's set after 9/11. Go figure."
Still, in the absence of any discernible plot (apart from the occasional explosion, collision, car chase, etc), dialogue (beyond the usual "Oh, James!" nonsense) or drama (besides one or two poker games that degenerate into sword fights, etc), the only thing that can really surprise us about the Bond films anymore is their increasingly eccentric history. Let's see if I can give you a quick break down of the Bond universe, from start to where we are now.

JAMES BOND - AN ACCURATE HISTORY

- Bond, after getting his 007 status by killing a double agent, meets with M. He is assigned the task of playing against a terrorist associate in a high-stakes poker game. Here he meets with CIA operative Felix Leiter, who is to become a life-long friend.

- In later James Bond adventures that will happen about twenty years before the present date, Leiter will change from a black man to a white man, have one of his legs bitten off by a shark, and his newly-married wife killed during a tussle with a South American criminal.

- The film Casino Royale also sees Bond doing his bit in the War Against Terror by killing a number of terrorists; however, the love of his life dies in the process.

- Shortly afterwards and during the early 1960s, Bond meets with M. M has since had a sex change from a woman who looks like Judi Dench to a man who looks like Judi Dench, but he has lost none of her feminine wiles, which will come in useful in the years to come during the fight against communism.

- Bond's ever-so-slight regional English accent has since developed into a broad Scottish accent.

- Bond is given the task of locating and killing the mysterious 'Dr No', head of the criminal organisation SPECTRE.

- Dr No is a criminal mastermind who lives in a big metal house beneath the ocean. He occasionally has problems with rust.

- In his continuing adventures, Bond will do his bit to end communism before becoming married to the love of his life, Tracy, in 1969 - some 47 years before being put off marriage altogether after the death of the other love of his life (mentioned above).

- In the meantime, Bond appears to have developed the faintest traces of an Australian accent.

- Tracy is killed shortly after marriage, leaving Bond in such despair that he will never fall in love with a woman again, except for the occasional unimportant sexual peccadilloes that happen every two days or so.

- Bond quickly loses the Australian accent and develops a clipped English accent.

- He travels to the Caribbean and indulges in a spot of political assassination, where he meets the love of his life, a tarot card reader with a suspicious resemblance to Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.

***

So there you go! Makes perfect sense!

10 comments:

Daniel said...

The answer to the confusing timeline and apparent changes in appearance and accent is that James Bond is a Time Lord from Gallifrey. Obvious really.

Anonymous said...

thanks for that in-depth look at Bond. I was disappointed with the movie but can't put my finger on what was the problem
ps tell us readers about your sex life -that would make things a little more spicy and interesting
last time you had sex and wiht whom
please details

TimT said...

Sex life? Me? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH! *Wipes eyes*

Seriously though, it's the first Bond film I've seen in a while. Craptacular opening (high speed high risk chase), a kind of pointless sequence with a bomb at an airport (yawn) then the film FINALLY settles down to a bit of script and ACTUAL plot. (And that closing sequence with a house collapsing in Venice was just kinda boring too). So yeah, I reckon the problem was simple: the film tried too hard to impress, didn't deliver. I'm sorry I saw it - 15 bucks and two hours of my life down the drain. Pah!

nailpolishblues said...

Oh how torn I am, I want to comment but I just can't bring myself to say what I want. Thank you for this opportunity to share a glimpse of my inner turmoil...

Anonymous said...

If the new version of Casino Royale doesn't end with a flying roulette wheel, soap bubbles, a man in an ape suit, and Woody Allen swallowing a hydrogen bomb, then I don't want to know about it.

TimT said...

Must admit, when the original was on TV, I found most of the jokes unfunny, so I didn't stick around to the end. I didn't even know Woody Allen was in it...

ras said...

Whilst I was overseas Star Movies was playing a james bond marathon, and since i was on a budget in vietnam and couldnt go out to bars everynight my partner and I grabbed cans of the local brew and watched many james bond films.

Now i am in the mood to see the latest as i've been told that this bond is closer to that in ian flemings book series.

and your comments will not put me off.

aside from that it couldnt be any worse than timoty dalton in licensed to kill or sean connery in never say never those where shit

TimT said...

Never Say Never was hilarious - it has ninjas vs. Bond! Also, didn't Roald Dahl write the script for that one?

Anonymous said...

Tim, you are thinking of You Only Live Twice aren't you? Set in an island off Japan, from whence came a space ship kidnapping rocket from a fake crater. Sean Connery had to pretend to be Japanese, by the clever device of eyeliner in the corner of his eyes.

Actually, I loved it as an 8 year old (it was the first Bond I saw) and I still have a fondness for it, as I think it was the first to have a gargantuan Ken Adams modernist set that became routine thereafter.

Never Say Never was a remake of Thunderball, and as far as I can recall featured no Japanese, but it was so forgettable I can hardly remember a thing about it. Mind you, I have that trouble with Timothy Dalton Bond's too. The plots became convoluted, slightly more realistic villains, but nothing in particular sticks in the mind about them.

Steve (I can't be bothered logging in)

TimT said...

Hmm, I do get confused about those two. My bad. I think you're probably right Steve.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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