Dashedly devilish. Sometimes even devilishly dashing!
I got a pair of bow ties a while ago and spent the next couple of months wrestling with the bow ties, trying to perfect the fiendish bow-tie knot in front of the mirror. When the day for my mate Aaron's wedding rolled around late last year, I got in front of the mirror, and tied the bow-tie up - just like that.
The next day, I promptly forgot everything that I had ever learned. But not before I had time to write up this quick Guide to Tying a Bow Tie. Read on at your own risk!
1. The Bow Tie proper is made from two separate parts: the Bow, and the Tie.
2. The Bow comes from the Gentlemen's Outfitters store, you have to do the tie yourself.
3. Drape the Bow Tie over your neck, with one side (a) hanging slightly higher than the other side (b).
4. Loop (b) over, around, under and over (a).
5. No, not that way, cretin! Do it again!
6. Once this is achieved, crimp (a) and attempt to wrangle (b) through the hole at the back of (a).
7. CURSES! BLAST THIS CONFOUNDED THING!
8. Enjoy an brief five-hour respite over a glass or two of Gin & Tonic (the gentleman's restorative).
9. Repeat steps 1 through 6. Or possibly steps 1 through 8.
10. Realise that you have somehow tied your entire hand up in a hangman's noose instead of a conventional bow tie knot, and if you draw it any tighter, you may break your hand's neck.
11. Obviously hands don't have necks, but you wouldn't want to risk it, would you? Untie the bow tie with your teeth.
12. Of all the blstd stupid thngss, thss hsss gtt to bbb one offff the stupidstgnnnnnnnn!!!!
13. Throw the bow tie in disgust on the floor, and go out and do manly things to reaffirm your masculinity: paint the house, fix the car, go and shoot a leopard, climb Mount Everest, lead a doomed expedition into the Antarctica, take refuge in a cave in the centre of the White Continent and discover a new continent underneath the earth that lives by the light of an inner sun, come out in a volcanic eruption of Mount Etna, end the Dark Threat of Communism, and top it all off by dining on sausages and gravy and beer at your local publican.
14. Repeat steps 1 through 6.
16. Congratulations, we hope you feel proud of yourself. You have wasted your life learning how to tie this blessed thing. Feel free to impart this precious knowledge to succeeding generations.
NEXT WEEK: Tips for sado-masochists - How to Tie your Beaux!