I have a little problem with the Biblical documentaries that they've been showing on the television screen over Easter, and the problem is this: they've been spending far too much time on all that 'message' stuff, and far too little time on talking about all the hell-beasts and dragons and what-not that the Bible contains. I mean, don't get me wrong, message and meaning is good - but when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse gallop through your house and Gog and Magog are just about to rend you apart between their ravening maws, you won't be thinking that much about message, will you? No, you will not.
And hey - I'm down with all that morality stuff. I can remember not to boil a lamb in its mother's milk as much as the next man, but what am I going to do when a fire-breathing dragon swoops down on me and begins to eat maidens? Feed it cakes of pitch, fat, and hair and make it explode, that's what. And so what if that's from the Apocrypha? My point is still the same.
Thanks to the Bible we learn heaps of useful and practical advice for day to day living, like when our Ass starts talking to us, then it's probably a good thing to listen to it. Or when you see a sultry seductress pouting at you and you just happen to notice that she has seven heads and ten horns, then restrain your natural lustful desires to go to bed with her, because she's probably the Whore of Babylon. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you don't want to end up cast into a lake of fire and/or burning sulfur: that's just impractical, and chronically unsexy. In addition, if you're thinking about getting a haircut, and your hairdresser ''just happens" to be called Delilah, then think again, man! It could be severely emasculating (and potentially damaging to your eyes.) Also - and we're probably getting a little off topic here, but it's worth it - if all of a sudden the heavens open up and you see burning fires and whirlwinds and freaky stuff, like totally-out-there four-headed man-ox-lion-eagle-hybrid, then be cool, man. It's probably not an example of genetic engineering, it's just that you're going to have a couple of prophecies. Also, don't be surprised if your name is Ezekiel and you live in the 600th century BC, and if you are, can I borrow your chariot, mate? Those things are totally cool.
So, next time biblical strumpets look alluringly your way, or apocryphal hell-beasts start attacking your house with fire and sulfur, or some random president/Prime Minister asks kindly if you'd like to get a cute number starting with '6' tattooed across your forehead, or just any everyday shit like that, don't say I didn't warn you! It's all in the Bible: useful, practical rules for getting along in a supernatural universe filled with demons and angels and freak-beasts of every description, where the wrong move could see you cast into Eternal Perdition or even end up betting on the wrong man in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Races (otherwise known as the Caulfield Cup). And that's just too horrible to even contemplate.
(This community service has been brought to you after watching a documentary recommended by Tim (yes, another Tim) who might have a slightly different take on the issue of man-eating hell-monsters, but you never know.)
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2017 (40)
- ► 2016 (71)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- Take That, Spenserian Stanza!
- Five Hundred Year Old Poetry For The Moment
- From Yesterday's Weekend Australian Magazine
- No Ilk Bar In Sight
- Disparaging Reviews of Everyday Objects
- Pointless Epigrams on Various Bloggers
- Blink And You'll Miss Her...
- Post For Broadway Geeks
- Television For Extremely Inattentive People
- Answering the Big Questions, Questioning the Big A...
- This Is All Tony Blair's Fault
- The Latest Ultimate Question
- List Of Smitings
- Another Poem
- Nothing Could Be Finer Than a Cup of Old One-Liner...
- What the Queen Said About Robert Menzies
- Fashion Charade
- I Went To the Brothel, And All I Got Was This Lous...
- Further Questions Answered
- A Clerihew
- The Department of Emoticon Regulation Answers Freq...
- Free Existence With Every Second Furniture Purchas...
- A Scientific Experiment
- Autobiography At Second Hand
- Cop That, Thomas Edison!
- Now We Know Why This Crocodile is Smiling...
- What To Expect When You're Expecting Satan
- One-word haikus
- Terse and Werse
- Obligatory 300 Post
- Unfortunately, Your Child Is Displaying All The Sy...
- Don't Move! There's a Fire-Breathing Freak-Beast F...
- Warning: Clowns Ahead
- Thought For The Day
- Colonel Pyatnivski
- Stanley, Hand Me The Axe
- Switched On To Switching Off
- Sither That Wedge
- Good Film See - You Look Look Now!
- ▼ April (41)
- ► 2006 (373)
- ► 2005 (287)