kidattypewriter

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Any Tense You've Got

(Dedicated to all those regional news journalists who mix up their past, present and future tense, and just about everything else, with carefree abandon.)



NEWSREADER:
A time machine collided with a Melbourne house in rural Victoria tomorrow, and police are still counting the casualties. It is not known who was driving the time machine after the collision to cause the recent accident, but it is suspected that several people will shortly apply for the position. A pre-emptive inquiry is being prepared after the disaster at the moment under the supervision of Ms Merryn Cludge, Victorian Minister for Unlikely Disasters, who will shortly have these words to say to the media on the upcoming tragedy.

MERRYN CLUDGE:
We are deeply, deeply sorry for the victims of this tragedy that is shortly to unfold, and I promise all Victorians that the inquiry that we have recently held into this tragedy will determine as far as is possible what will be the cause of this dreadful, dreadful accident. Hopefully, we will learn from the mistakes that we are yet to make in order to make sure that this inevitable disaster will not have happened ever again.

NEWSREADER:
Meanwhile, a small funeral service held a week ago was attended well by several of the families of the victims of the upcoming Time Machine accident, as well as the victims themselves. If people believe that they or a family member or loved one will be involved in this upcoming accident, they will be contacted by a representative of the disaster hotline shortly, from this number: 1300 030 303.

24 comments:

Karen said...

I don't know about regional journalists, but I was very excited when I saw the tardis! Comrade nerd!

TimT said...

A bit of a calumny on my part to suggest that the Tardis would be involved in such an accident.

Believe me, though, this post is just a very slight exaggeration of what some journalists are capable of... though I'm not entirely happy with my writing in this case.

Karen said...

Oh no, the tardis is a very upright piece of technology/papier mache.

Parsing yourself?

Karen said...

The horror! My fop of a friend just emailed asking if I would like to see Guns 'N Roses. Suggestions for punishment?

TimT said...

I liked the idea of writing this, but I don't think it came out too well in the rendering, that's all.

I don't know about your foppish friend. Maybe subject them to Cat Head Theatre? Hmmm: then again, maybe they'll enjoy it too much.

Karen said...

Maybe you're just too critical of yourself.

I, as you may have gathered, am obsessed with cats in the most unhealthy way imaginable, but even I couldn't watch Cat Head theatre through to its conclusion. It is an idea which is better as an idea and loses something in the execution, I fear. "Cats in sinks" or "stuff on my cat", on the other hand, I can look at for hours.

Did you watch the videos I linked to before, even though I got into one of my stroppy moods and may have been rude, I fear? The Mysterious Cities of Gold theme
is especially worthwhile- I find it hilarious and it's great to wave one's hands about to.

nailpolishblues said...

I think I'm going to have to stop commenting because my first thought was 'done better by Douglas Adams'. Sorry.

It's probably too cruel to even mention it. Not to mention rude.

I gather that critiquing is rather, um, frowned upon.

TimT said...

Well, yeah, you're right there - but did you read Douglas Adams last Hitchikers books? A pale imitation of his former self!

TimT said...

Do I frown upon critiquing?

Karen said...

I think my favourite was "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe". Did you ever hear the radio serial it came from? I've got the whole lot on tape (this is how I diverted myself as a teenager).

TimT said...

No, but the telly-series was what put me onto the books in the first place. Oh, definitely 'The Restaurant'. His book of essays published after his death is quite fun in places (contains things like his review of P G Wodehouse, and a discussion about the QWERTY keyboard.)

Karen said...

Oh, I can't stand the telly series. I suppose it might catch your interest if you hadn't read the books or heard the radio serial first.

Do you like The Young Ones too? My friend in school had a big party where everyone had to dress up as a character from TYO. I was Neil, my sister was Warlock (Neil's friend) and the party-giver got to be Rick, of course.

TimT said...

Hey, I was only 10 years old at the time. Or thereabouts.

nailpolishblues said...

12.27 - It seems to be out of vogue. Also, I don't like being intentionally rude - I don't mind so much when it just happens but intent is kinda bad.


The last book was pretty random. It's always a mistake to try and tie up all the loose ends in a story [now there's a hint that George Lucas could have used]. Also, insert several very obvious things about cashing in here..

TimT said...

I'm not sure whether I can answer for 12.27, but yes, you're right. All that is expected of people are varying degrees of praise. Sometimes all I can bring myself to say is 'That's interesting', which nowadays is often considered withering criticism indeed.

I think he had similar problems in Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, but that's just judging from the one book I did read.

Karen said...

Well, if you were only 10, I suppose it's alright for you not to be snaggily annoyed by the depiction of Trillian.

Please answer the question about The Young Ones. It's a prerequisite for being my friend. This was a fantastic series of sketches we also loved.

Karen said...

I liked Dirk Gently!

TimT said...

Well, you see, I never did see the Young Ones. I suppose the ABC did screen them, but for some reason I never knew it was on. Maybe parental conspiracy, though to me it seems more like a conspiracy of the fates against me.

I haven't read enough of Dirk Gently to judge, I admit. I get the impression in the later Adams that he's just repeating himself and using some of the old humour out of lack of energy.

nailpolishblues said...

That's interesting..oh, wait.

If you've read one of the Dirk Gently books then you've read 50% of them. I'm guessing you can judge away. I never worked out what he was up to with those but I always adored zen navigation - one day I'll borrow someone who can drive and has a car and make them zen navigate with me.

Karen said...

I think TYO may have been on one of the commercial stations, perhaps 7. I suggest you get rent one out, as it's very much your style of humour.

I can't comment on Dirk Gently really, as I read it a very long time ago, as a teenager, and I may have been less discerning then.

I've always been very fond of the Somebody Else's Problem Field idea. I try to apply it in my own life as often as I can.

TimT said...

So many good ideas.

I liked the dude in, what was it, the fourth book who was both a truck driver and a rain god. Meaning that it never stopped raining on him.

Quintessential English joke, that one, really!

nailpolishblues said...

The Young Ones is good for people spotting - it's like there were only a handful of young comedians around and they all knew each other. That was quite irrelevant, wasn't it? Oh well.

And on So Long and Thanks For All The Fish - I liked Dent's reporter friend. Very amusing.

Karen said...

Yes, the bringing the rain with you thing is nice.

And all the same people are in "The Comic Strip Presents" too.

nailpolishblues said...

Red Dwarf also do it better. Well, sometimes, anyway.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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