(Dedicated to all those regional news journalists who mix up their past, present and future tense, and just about everything else, with carefree abandon.)
A time machine collided with a Melbourne house in rural Victoria tomorrow, and police are still counting the casualties. It is not known who was driving the time machine after the collision to cause the recent accident, but it is suspected that several people will shortly apply for the position. A pre-emptive inquiry is being prepared after the disaster at the moment under the supervision of Ms Merryn Cludge, Victorian Minister for Unlikely Disasters, who will shortly have these words to say to the media on the upcoming tragedy.
We are deeply, deeply sorry for the victims of this tragedy that is shortly to unfold, and I promise all Victorians that the inquiry that we have recently held into this tragedy will determine as far as is possible what will be the cause of this dreadful, dreadful accident. Hopefully, we will learn from the mistakes that we are yet to make in order to make sure that this inevitable disaster will not have happened ever again.
Meanwhile, a small funeral service held a week ago was attended well by several of the families of the victims of the upcoming Time Machine accident, as well as the victims themselves. If people believe that they or a family member or loved one will be involved in this upcoming accident, they will be contacted by a representative of the disaster hotline shortly, from this number: 1300 030 303.
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