David Cameron has defended his call for more understanding of why young people commit crime - and rejected suggestions he wants people to "hug a hoodie". - BBC News.
A City Out Of Control
LONDON, SATURDAY - Citizens have been complaining in increasing numbers about gangs of rampaging Tories roaming the parks, looking for hoodies to hug.
Things have got so bad that the hoodies have been fleeing from their natural habitats, the parks, and are staying at home, leaving the Tories to gang up on ordinary citizens.
"I was just on my way to work" sobs one, "when I was confronted by a bunch of overaffectionate Tories who demanded in the nicest way possible that would it be alright, really, if they all gave me a hug? And then they insisted I have a cup of tea with them, if I really didn't mind! It was terrible!"
Meanwhile, the Amalgamated Hoodies' Union of Greater London and Surrounding Counties has petitioned the City of London to do something about the growing Tory problem so they can return to their normal crime-abiding ways.
Angry Scenes in Parliament
Tories have been confronted by Labor in Parliament over their controversial "hug a hoodie" policy.
"What's wrong with hugging a hoodie?" says one Tory Minister. "I mean, really. They're soft and cuddly and oh so lovely. I bet Mr Blair never got hugged when he was a kid. That's his problem."
However, a rival faction of Tories, led by former Spectator editor Boris Johnson, have claimed that Cameron's hoodie speech has been 'misinterpreted'.
"He really meant to say we should kiss a hoodie." said Johnson in a statement to the media.
Hoodies Break Down
Meanwhile, several hoodies, unable to take the new Tory hugging policy, have broken down already, causing widespread social concern.
"I just want things to go back to the way before!" sobs one hoodie. "I mean, they'd lash at us with their riding crops, we'd smash them in the face with broken bottles, they'd call us scum and dogs, we'd call them c*ts - things were so much easier then!"
A deputation of Labor supporters, concerned for the hoodies welfare, have promised to step in and lash the hoodies with riding crops and whips. However, they have called for a new social agency to be set up to provide this vital service to hoodies.
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