kidattypewriter

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Madvertising


Welcome to Metaphysical Abdul's Two Dollar Store!

"Our prices are unreal, but then, so are our products!"
BOB KATTER IN A CAN!

He's mad, he's bad, he's dangerous to know, he's in a can! Queensland's craziest politician, Bob Katter, now comes in a can with a pull top for your convenience. Best served with cauliflower and white sauce. Comes with baked beans and an extra side serve of patriotism!

PLUS: Just add water to get an instant press conference about his views on privatisation and economic rationalism!
GARLIC OPPRESSOR!

This little instrument of Oppression is perfect for those times in the kitchen when your garlic cloves threaten insurrection.
CONDESCENDING LADDER!

As you ascend the ladder, it CONdescends to you!
BROO!

It's - a BROO! Just like a broom, only useless!
DEJECTION SLIP!

Now you can depress your friends and neighbours when you mail them one of these dejection slips!

PLUS: Free case of insomnia with every second purchase!
A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY!

At low, low prices! Coming shaped as a wristwatch, this exclusive, imitation-Rolex watch is hand-crafted in the very finest sweatshops of Somalia.

This
WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY is not just like an ordinary wristwatch: it is appallingly slow. Guaranteed to be right only once a day (but we're working on that, too).

PLUS: Free second with every second purchase!
WHACKY WILMA'S BIG OL' JAR OF ABSTRACT NUMERICAL CONCEPTS!

- Relive the FIRST time you died!

- Delight in the SECOND time you lost your virginity!

- Enjoy a DUO of TRIOLETS, and share a QUARTET of OCTAVES!

- Thrill to a THREESOME of SINGLES!

- Go back to the table for SECONDS without ever having to worry about FIRSTS!

With this Big Ol' Jar, you will be able to watch your favourite television show a COMPLEX NUMBER OF TIMES, take a ride overseas in a DESCARTIAN PLANE, chop down a tree with an X-Y-Z AXIS, and perform INDUCTION and INTEGRATION on anyone you may wish!

PLUS: Free first purchase with every second purchase!

9 comments:

crmurton said...

I like that jar! Are we allowed to haggle? I'll offer 6i dollars for it.

They're imaginary dollars, but how real are Metaphysical Abdul's goods?

TimT said...

In Abdul's own inimitable phraseology, 'Our price's are unreal, but then, so are our product's!'

crmurton said...

Tim what's happened to you? Please remove those apostrophes from price's and product's. And it's integration not 'intergration'.

TimT said...

Oh, all right. I was going to let it stand as an example of one of Abdul's little eccentricities, but it is rather grotesque. I have exercised my editorial and writing privileges and removed the aberrant apostrophes.

nailpolishblues said...

Gosh, Tim, if you don't update soon I'll start to think you have an actual life - what confusion in the universe such a thing would cause!

Jo said...

Does the ladder only condescend whilst one ascends?

TimT said...

I think the aim is to belittle you to a point that, by the time you reach the top you feel so low that you don't need to descend.

If you actually start to descend, it begs you to change your mind and go back up again. By the end, it is so anxious and depressed that it threatens to climb up itself and jump off its top rung if you don't ascend it.

I don't know what would happen if you turn the ladder upside down.

Any further questions?

Jo said...

Yes.
What happens if you turn the ladder upside-down?

TimT said...

It condescends upside down?

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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