The Buffoons' Dating Club: a Very Exclusive Society
Squilby de Reujeurs
Unlike the majority of other buffoons, Squilby has had the very good fortune of being born to two pairs of parents, one a quiet, unassuming couple who reside at Bournemouth, the others, a respectable upper-class couple who are members of the Bosnian aristocracy (more so than most: their family were members of the Bosnian aristocracy even before the formation of Bosnia as a separate territory.)
Squilby is a quiet buffoon who enjoys the simple pleasures: the wearing of Trilbys during elevenses; Kippers, during the summer months; and the sound of a Parry cantata through a sun-room window.
He dines, every evening at a quarter past five, on a single page from Foxe's Booke of Martyrs.
Richard & Co & Co
Sir Richard & Co & Co had the misfortune to be born and bred into a family that lacked fame, fortune, or even a title. Neither of his parents were present at his birth, having a pressing engagement at a cocktail party some miles away; shortly thereafter their being informed of his coming into the world, he was sent to a boarding school.
He likes long lisps on the beach, the colour the evening sun makes on tweed, and has masqueraded as a snifter at several exclusive MI5 shindigs.
He currently resides as Live-In Decadent and carnation sorter in the house next to yours.
Being an adventurous sort of buffoon, Auberon Augh ran away from home at the age of seven to take up a moving life of scholarship and adventure with a travelling college of prefects, headmasters and boarders. For the next three years, he learnt the essential arts of being a gentleman, viz: applying quadratic equations whilst stranded in the Antarctic, the appropriate use of Andrew Marvell couplets whilst battling the Hun; and the elite sport of spurtle tossing.
He has a defiantly skittish mind, and frequently enjoys a diffidence of opinion with his friends. He prefers enemas to enemies. He voted faithfully for the Tories until he was 18 years of age.
If you wish to contact Auberon, he communicates solely by semaphore messages taken by carrier pigeons to his house on every second Friday of every fifth month of the year.
Sir Bluestoak Roglan
Only the finer things of life for Sir Bluestoak: bathing in liquid silk, snuff in both his ears, twice daily; and vespers sung by a choir of Italian-trained beagles. He is something of a decadent, and enjoys having secret feelings for vestibules during his Aunt's long dinners, and signing income tax returns in a louche manner. To this day, he sleeps with his fob-watch nesting happily at his feet.
Sir Bluestoak, 23 years of age until next lunar eclipse, seeks a woman to enjoy a brief, shameful relationship, broken by sudden illicit liasons with ruffles and unexplained spasms of crying to Margaret Lockwood movies. Enclose a stamped sealed envelope addressed to him in a stamped sealed envelope addressed to yourself in a stamped sealed envelope addressed to your postmaster (or vice versa, dependent on the circumstances) and await the results.
A humble buffoon from a lowly background, Willicent Idge confesses to harbouring Freudian complexes about red sandstone buildings, and enjoying the taste of badger kidneys. He enjoys the simple things: holding hands with his butler; regular attendances at the opening of the outer door of Tate Museum; wearing the fine scent of tobacco to meetings of the British Anti-Smoking League; and the sensation of squalor on long weekends (if someone is willing to share it with him.)
He may be reached by Telegraph, Mail, Telephone, or a family connection with your aunt's sister's niece's daughter-in-law's African grey parrot.
Sir Fauntleroy Upsner
Sir Fauntleroy is considered an exquisite example of British upper-class flapdoodle. He is much too exclusive for anyone, including you, and certainly himself. As a result, he vacated his body several years previously, leaving a supercilious sneer and a haughty flick of the fingers to take care of the premises in his absence.
He has taken up employment as a Gainsborough painting, although doubts have been cast upon his authenticity by several prominent critics.
A hopelessly mixed up buffoon with some unusual talents, Berberington Smythe absent-mindedly created the steam train several years before he thought of the idea for it and drew the plans. (He put it to use as a mechanical sorter for his bookshelves.)
Other achievements of his include:
- During a stint exploring the Gobi Desert, he accidentally reinvented the water wheel;
- Setting out to discover Newton's law of gravity (in order to use it as a paperweight in his office) he instead accidentally redefined several universal constants, which caused no end of consternation among the nation's top scientists;
- In attempting to weigh an elephant with a rudimentary device involving a thimble, a rubber band, and two uneven-sized pins, he accidentally reinvented the catapult, and started a war between two French principalities in Africa and the Pacific Islands, respectively.
If you wish to contact Sir Berberington Smythe, set in a letter of complaint to your local newspaper written entirely in Portuguese, await the instructions in the following edition, published in a coded version of Swahili, and remember to take your pistol with you: where you're going, you may need it.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
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