Thursday, August 09, 2007

Critics? Pah! What do they know?!!

Got this quote from Tim:
Just as it is inevitable that Throngar the Brave’s plucky little band of misfits will defeat Zograx’s hordes to regain the Chalice of Power, or that Nurse Modest will overcome both rivals and misunderstandings to find herself in the tender arms of Doctor Yearn, so it is inevitable that the hero or heroine of literary fiction will gain knowledge, suffer damage and be moderately redeemed.
Well, I couldn't disagree more. 'Throngar in the Forests of Charn' and 'The Heart of Yearn' are but two shocking examples of critical misinterpretation. There have been many more...

Throngar in the Forests of Charn
Actually, Zograx's hordes gassed Throngar the Brave and his plucky little band, with the exception of Snufflegump, who had informed them of their whereabouts, and subsequently became a mid-level unctionary in Zograx's billion year Reign of Terror, such as the gentle land of Dillypong had never encountered before. This was followed by the dreadful time known as the Aeon of Blood.

The Heart of Yearn
Sadly, after marrying Doctor Yearn, Nurse Modest quickly discovered that Yearn was having an affair with Matron Hussy on the side and, after divorcing Yearn, lived out the final years of her life alone, drinking a type of Latvian cough medicine she had become addicted to, and watching obscure Venezualan dramas on the Soap Opera Channel.

The Night Hour: A Detective Joe Mertz Novel
Billed by critics as yet another exciting thriller in Detective Joe Mertz's beat in the Bronx, in this book, Joe Mertz actually crosses the boys in City Hall one too many times, and gets locked up for five years. By the time he gets out on bail, the Mafia have got clean out of the city, his landlord wants to sell up, and he has a bad cold.

Timmy Has a Cold: With colourful pop-up pictures!
In this book, it is true that little Timmy does go to the hospital with a bad cough, and meets a kindly doctor, but it all goes horribly wrong when the doctor mistakenly performs an amputation on him and Timmy is forced to learn about his 'new life without legs'.

Kingdom of Blood: Book 1
Vergzord The Destroyer decides to declare war on humanity, but in Chapter 2, he stubs his little toe and decides not to. Book 2 in this innovative Fantasy-Horror serial was surprisingly never published.

Pi to four billion places
This handy little chapbook actually has a useful epilogue at the back, so a more accurate title would be Pi to Four Billion Three Hundred and Sixty Seven places.

Pictures of Naked Sexy Women Stroking Iguanadons!
A misleading title, which caused millions of Igauna fans worldwide to buy this book. In fact, there are only six iguanas in this book, compared to sixteen pictures of naked women with komodo dragons, forty-three pictures of naked women with geckos, and twenty-two pictures of naked women with blue-tongue lizards. This book was subsequently the cause of a law suite by the 'Iguanadon Appreciation Society'.


TimT said...

Well, that last book title should up my googling-freak-quotient for a month or so.

Caz said...

Hmm, not so much.

Young Japanese boys in underwear would have garnered more hits.

Naked sexy women, no matter what they're stroking, are passé.

Oh, okay, unless they're stroking or firing a machine gun in the desert.

Or maybe shooting at igaunas.

Or a naked Paris Hilton, giving her pet blue-tongue lizard a bath.

Or Lindsay Lohan, driving naked down Sunset Boulevard, and running over dozens of helpless geckos.

TimT said...

Thank you for your charitable contribution to this worthwhile cause. I expect they're hitting their google buttons as we type.

nailpolishblues said...

A law suite? My mind boggles.

TimT said...

Hmmm, good pick up Nails.

Obviously, it's what lawyers sleep in before they put on their law suit.

(I actually wasn't sure of the spelling but too lazy to put look it up in the dictionary.)

Tim said...

Matron Hussy? Wasn't she a character in A Country Practice?

Mitzy G Burger said...

I believe the matron in A Country Practice was simply known as "Matron". I was more fond of the redhead doctor character, a source of perpetual and inexplicable disgruntlement for the Matron. What was the doctor's name?

TimT said...

Her name was Alex, I think. Er, not that I know anything about soap operas...

nailpolishblues said...

She aged very badly. Poor redhead.

You mean it wasn't deliberate? Damn, eh?

TimT said...

As kids we watched it for a season or two, when she started snogging Dr Terence and then they got married, but I never stuck around for the bit where, for some inexplicable reason, they broke up. Now why did that happen?

Anyhow, have a Winfield.

nailpolishblues said...

Is anything ever anything but inexplicable in soap operas?

I was craving a better class of cigarette but if that's all you're offering...

TimT said...

It had the distinction of being the Australian soap opera with the best opening theme music, (with the possible exception of Blue Hills Remembered on radio.) It was a proud day for me as a kid when I worked that theme out on the piano. The 'Neighbours' and 'Home and Away' themes are dreadful in comparison, and the 'Blue Heelers' is just silly.

The other memorable thing about 'A Country Practice' was the way the name so easily lent itself to the silly joke, 'A Country Cactus', which I am still not tired of using.

TimT said...

There was a gigantic Winfield ad looming over a Newcastle pub for years. Whenever we drove to Newcastle for Christmas holidays, that ad impressed itself on my consciousness, if not my conscience.

I thought about it again when I read your 'cigarette ad' post.

So what's wrong with Winfields? What sort of ciggy would you recommend?

nailpolishblues said...

They're rather harsh and given what smoking is/tastes like/does to your lungs in general this is saying something. Not that I can object given that I don't buy cigarettes and instead choose to steal from my friends (yes, yes, bad, try to stop, blah blah) who are beautiful and tolerant people. I'm a bit soft really - prefer Marlboro lights or Cartier - what you smoke when you don't. I had that ad in mind for that post but I couldn't find a picture I liked.

I've been thinking of Newcastle lately - do I want to subject myself to that horror just to see a friend for a few hours? I think I probably will.

TimT said...

Me, I'm wondering if Shepparton is worth a visit. I can buy canned pies there. That, I believe, is where the attraction begins and ends.

nailpolishblues said...

I don't even know where Shepparton is. Canned pies sound even more awful than regular pies (apologies to all pie fans). Can the internet not provide?

I really want a cigarette now :( Why don't they sell them individually? Evil capitalist pigs.

TimT said...

Because the evil socialist pigs in government regulate the sale so as to get maximum value from your taxes, so it all balances out nicely.

nailpolishblues said...

No, Timmy, they're saving me from myself :p

Email: timhtrain - at -

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