It was with great horror, not to mention a sense of deep grief, that I recently heard of your plans to retire from the position of John Laws. You have fulfilled the position of John Laws so well that now you are stepping down from the position of John Laws, people are beginning to ask, 'who will be John Laws now?' I confess that I wept when this question was first asked.
Allow me to be neither the first nor the last to offer you condolences. I suppose it will be a small consolation that you will continue to be John Laws in private.
However, I digress. I am writing to you today, John Laws, because I would like to offer my services to you, to 2GB, and to the Australian Public as the new John Laws.
I believe I have several skills that uniquely qualify me for the position of John Laws. I have attached a copy of my resume, and will further take the opportunity of listing my achievements here in as long winded and detailed a fashion as possible, in order to make clear to you why I am right for the position of John Laws.
- I have been steadily developing a range of controversial opinions on important matters like 'those refugees' and 'bloody communists'.
- I practise saying complementary things about Valvoline every evening in front of the mirror for two hours, and now have developed such an emotional attachment to the product that I weep whenever I think about it. (Frequently, they're so convincing that I rush out the door and buy myself several cans of Valvoline every evening - and I don't even drive).
- I have had my voice surgically altered to be as deep as possible, and practice in further deepening and enriching my tones every day by reading masculine poems like 'Charge of the Light Brigade', and inhaling 'Essence de Domingo', a nasal spray, every morning.
- I also have strong people skills, an ability to learn on the job, and experience in data entry!
- I have been called a 'Jumped-up Philip Adams', a 'wannabee Andrew Bolt', a 'pimple on the buttock of Janet Albrechtsen', and a 'Wen on the inner-nasal passages of John Pilger'. Therefore, I have strong on-the-ground experience as a number of important media identities, and I'm sure I'll take to the position of John Laws easily!
- Finally, as you are a successful radio presenter who also has aspirations to be a bad poet, and as I am an unsuccessful poet with aspirations to be a bad radio presenter, I'm sure the trade of positions will go brilliantly!
My needs are simple, modest, and easily satisfied: I am willing to work at a price of no less than $1000 per controversial opinion, rising to $3000 on the weekend.
Together, I am sure we can introduce John Laws to a new generation of listeners, and carry on the grand old Australian tradition of being John Laws on the public airwaves! And isn't that what
John Laws (in waiting)