kidattypewriter

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

The diet to end all diets

Happy New Year everybody! This year, many people will be making a resolution to be eating healthier and better and more environmentally friendly foods, and I'd like to kick things off by suggesting several such foods for your consumption.





Pavlova and ice-cream: just two healthy foods to be eaten on a regular basis.

Pavlova is an excellent staple diet food that provides all your body will need in protein. It is non-fattening and many scientific studies have shown that it has an excellent effect on the development of the brain. For this reason, it should be fed to babies as soon as it is possible. If necessary, it can be turned into a mush and fed to them with their baby food.

Chocolate is another excellent food, with guaranteed slimming effects. It is a well known fact that Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, Kathryn Hepburn, and many other famous beauties of stage and screen ate chocolate all the time. If you want to be like them, then a few bars of chocolate every meal is a great start.

For those environmentally-conscious sorts looking for a meal that is satisfying to eat, has minimal impact on the environment, and also is good for your health, I recommend sticky-date pudding with caramel sauce. These days, all sticky date puddings are grown on free-range pudding farms, lovingly tendered and nurtured until they reach the right size for eating. Furthermore, many studies have demonstrated that people who have half a sticky-date pudding for breakfast every morning greatly reduce their risk of coronary disease and memory loss amongst older people. Also, sticky-date pudding prevents cancer.

Ice-cream is now considered by many nutritionists to be a necessary supplement to any healthy diet. It has been shown to have many positive effects on human health. People who regularly eat ice-cream have less colds or flu and also are more likely to be more hard-working and early risers.

For those people who have tried everything else, and just can't seem to get their weight down, perhaps they could turn to pies. Pies have indeed been found to be a wonder food, not only helping people to maintain a nutritious and healthy diet but greatly aiding in their slimming. As a matter of fact, many modern movie stars, such as Nicole Kidman and Jonny Depp, eat nothing but pies.

It will, of course, be necessary to control your fluid intake as well. Thankfully, there are many drinks on the market today with proven benefits for your health and for the environment as well, including milkshakes, beer, vodka, honeyed mead, butterscotch schnapps, triple macchiato, absinthe, coke spiders, and laudanum. Drink regularly in combination with any of the suggested meals above, and soon you will be on your way to health, wealth, and beauty!

FINALLY: Why not plan your meals with a 'diet timetable', updated week by week? Here is an example



MondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturdaySunday
BreakfastPies

Schnapps
Icecream

Coke spider
Pavlova

Milkshake
Pavlova

Milkshake
Chocolate

Triple macchiato
Sticky date pudding

absinthe
Pies

Beer
LunchChocolate

Schnapps
Pavlova

Beer
Chocolate

Laudanum
Icecream

Butterscotch schnapps
Chocolate

Honeyed mead
Pies

Laudanum
Chocolate

Coke spider
DinnerPies

Beer
Chocolate

Coke spider
Icecream

Beer
Chocolate

Laudanum
Icecream

Beer
Icream

Triple macchiato
Icecream

Butterscotch schnaps


Soon you will be laughing at all those poor fools grimacing over their prune juice and frowning over their soya cereals as you eat your way to a happier, healthier, more environmentally-friendly you!

18 comments:

nailpolishblues said...

Riiiiiiiiiight, so I can drink my way to better health? Excellent, I shall start now.

phil said...

I looked through all Mrs VVB's cookbooks and diet aides and none of them recommend laudanum.

I think you're making this up, possibly after testing the laudanum.

TimT said...

I think we all should.

TimT said...

... should drink our way to better health, that is, not testing laudanum. Not that there's anything wrong with that - apart from the small matter of addiction, disease, hallucinations, death...

nailpolishblues said...

Not that there's anything wrong with that - apart from the small matter of addiction, disease, hallucinations, death...

Don't see your point.

TimT said...

Well, not that there's anything necessarily wrong with those, either, but one likes them to be spaced out, preferably over a matter of years... one most get wasted very slowly and thoroughly, following the example of practised laudanum addicts such as Coleridge and De Quincey.

nailpolishblues said...

Who said anything about time?

alexis said...

Far be it from me to deny the healthsome properties of laudanum, but it does cause constipation. In the interests of regular bowel movements, laudanum tipplers are advised to take a cup of oil, neat, daily.

TimT said...

All's well that ends well.

Or should that be -

His end's well who oils well.

Can't decide.

TimT said...

The squeaky wheel gets the grease? No, more a case of the well-greased bottom gets release.

TimT said...

Also, no behind left to man.

TimT said...

It would really bum you out, having a bum that won't let out.

Okay. Having really taken these comments to the arse end of things, I'll stop.

nailpolishblues said...

It's like the end of funny really, isn't it?

TimT said...

Yes.

I'm wondering what's the arse end of the arse end. The esra? The ears? (We work with a program called ears at work. Which makes sense. Work is pretty much the arse end of life.)

proserpina said...

I'm wondering what's the arse end of the arse end.

I think PJK would perhaps say Canberra.

It's a shame that Andy Griffiths stole your thunder and wrote the children's books you were born to write first. As small consolation, I'll tell you that my sister calls people who tailgate her car "enemas".

TimT said...

Keep your friends close, and your enemas even closer!

nailpolishblues said...

Ugh.

TimT said...

Hmmm, I see what you mean...

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive

About Me

My Photo
Me person. Live in world. Like stuff. Need job. Need BRAINS! (DROOLS IN THE MANNER OF ZOMBIES) Ergggggh ...