kidattypewriter

Friday, February 01, 2008

Lady Chatterley's Mother

A novel, in three paragraphs.

"Now Constance," said the small woman into the receiver of the telephone, "I don't approve of this affair you are having with the gardener. It's just not the done thing!"

"Oh, all right." said Lady Chatterley over the phone. "But botherations, mother! You never let me have any fun!"

Lady Chatterley's mother took a sip of tea and sighed with satisfaction. She'd been waiting for a whole year to say that. Getting this telephone was the best thing she'd ever done.

THE END

12 comments:

Tim Sterne said...

Best novel I've read all year.

Maria said...

This sounds like something inspired partly from Desperate Housewives, except a bit tamer. The revved up DH version woulda gone something more like:

"Now Gabby," said the small woman into the receiver of the telephone, "I don't approve of this affair you are having with the gardener. It's just not the done thing on this street!"

"Oh, all right." said Lady Chatterley over the phone, fingering her diamond studded revolver. "But botherations, mother! You never let me have any fun! You confiscated my whips and chains when I was in the 6th grade! You never let me develop my true self!"

Lady Chatterley's mother took a sip of tea and sighed with satisfaction. She'd been waiting for a whole year to say that. Getting this telephone was the best thing she'd ever done, next to the time she'd beat the crap out of Lynettes's children for ruining her rosebushes. She didn't even notice as Gabby pressed the revolver to the back of her head with one hand, and caressed the gardener with her other.

proserpine said...

Applauds.

I just can't read Lawrence. I don't know why. I haven't tried for years though. Did you see that show on the ABC recently about the obscenity trial? I watched it a little, but I couldn't bear the jurors' eyes meeting significantly over their orange and white penguins and their tendency to imagine each other in scenes from the novel. I flicked back a little later and they'd progressed to reenactment (and the reenactment of something I hadn't realised was in the novel at all!).

TimT said...

I'd totally go in for rewrites according to popular television series.

Lady Chatterley's Mother (meets Tony Soprano)

Laddy Chattlerley's Mother (and Abe Simpson!) etc, etc.

Didn't see the telly doco, but I did watch the very long but very langurous and beautiful movie version of the Lawrence novel last year.

proserpine said...

You mean the French film? It was surprising that it took them so long to discover it, wasn't it? You recommend it then? I've seen a lot of bad reviews of it, but they're mostly complaints about the length and the pace. I don't mind a bit of languor.

I tried to read Aaron's Rod when I was probably about twenty and it just struck me as not being especially true unless one was a heterosexual male and a particular sort of heterosexual male at that, but maybe I would feel differently now I'm nearly thirty!

nailpolishblues said...

My father played a terribly irritating trick on me with Lady Chatterly's Lover - he wouldn't tell me how bloody tedious it was and made me read for myself. Of course, he'd only read because it had been so controversial. I must have a huge cruel streak because I generally refuse to discuss LCL but encourage people to read it for themselves.

I think both my papa and I would greatly enjoy Lady Chatterley and her Mother meeting Tony Soprano.

proserpine said...

I guess the antidote to Lady Chatterly is maybe something like Robert Coover's Spanking the Maid, where the tedium is the point.

nailpolishblues said...

I don't quite see but perhaps I ought to add it to my reading list anyway.

proserpine said...

This is an OK account of it, to give you the general idea. It usually has the sort of cover you want to put in a paper bag, but he's a very interesting writer, in a similar vein to Donald Barthelme in the way he plays around with language, plotting, readerly expectations- especially with shorter fiction (it has that Raymond Carver edge to it, although the style is very different).
Perhaps Bataille's Story of the Eye too, although I'm so squeamish it made me feel quite sick at the end.

TimT said...

As owner of this blog, I feel as if I should say something intelligent and knowing to contribute to this conversation, but somehow, I just can't think what it might be. Carry on!

nailpolishblues said...

Hey, I've got nothing either. I rather thought that was the point though.

Dysthymiac said...

here's a novel-length comment.
1. I tried watching the TV dramatisation but chucked it in quite early. after the Mag listed the number of times the f-word was in the book.
2. I had a record shop once, and it was in Flinders Lane on the opposite corner of Port Phillip Arcade from The Bible Shop.
They complained to the Victorian CIB that we displayed a record titled 'Too Drunk To Fuck' by the Dead Kennedys. A court appearance followed (30th April 1981 before Justice Phillips who wrote a 14-page summary of the 'offence')
We were fined $1000

3. the complainants from Bible House actually were our NEIGHBOURS on Alexandra Ave South Yarra. a mock-tudor duplex, nos 13 and 15.

Never mind the 2 ridiculous coincidences,
They used to fuck each other stupid and crash allover their place doing it. it drove us mad - screaming and thumping and grunting. they were disgusting.

God it's a funny world.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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