An 8ft ape-like creature that bears a striking resemblance to the legendary Bigfoot has been sighted in Canada. - The TelegraphBigfoot sighting 'preposterous' - Elvis
Cold water has been poured on recent claims of Bigfoot sightings by a prominent group of sceptics, headed by Elvis Presley, and including Harold Holt, Lee Harvey Oswald, Kaspar Hauser, and Ern Malley.
"We have learned that it is prudent not to take such remarkable claims at face value, but to meet them with a reasonable degree of cynicism, y'all" said Presley yesterday, in a statement to the media.
However, a second group of media identities, including the Abominable Snowman, several surviving descendants of Piltdown Man, the poet Ossian, and Bishop Shelby Spong, have defended the sightings of Bigfoot.
"Not only is Elvis dead," points out Mr Snudge, one of the descendants of Piltdown Man, currently living in Williamstown, Victoria, "But anything Ern Malley says should not be taken at face value. Ever since he he fooled the public with the notorious 'McAuley-Stewart' hoax, where Malley fabricated the identities of two farcically anti-modernist poets, he has been discredited."
Controversially, Bishop Shelby Spong has cast doubts on his own credibility, having, in a recent opinion column, not only disproved the existence of Jesus Christ and God, but himself as well. When contacted by this paper, he refused to do an interview, but issued a 'clarification': "I exist on alternate Mondays and Wednesdays, and twice on Saturday, if there's good coffee available."
The controversy only looks set to widen in following days, with the upcoming broadcast of the much-publicised 'Bacon/Shakespeare' debates, in which the two prominent authors settle a number of outstanding issues, including, who wrote what and when; the Bigfoot debate; and the final proof or disproof of the existence of God.
God could not be contacted for comment for this article.