kidattypewriter

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Drip drip

Tigtog has a post up called 'Wringing every last drop out of that coverage'. Apparently Channel 7 have been playing footage of the airport as Olympic Australians were coming back, or something. The title is metaphorical. It so very easily could not have been...!

***

KOCHY: Welcome back to the studio, Channel Seven, your Olympic channel! And what an exciting few weeks we've had with the Beijing Olympics! But it's not over yet. We cut now to our reporter in the Olympic Village in Beijing, Matt Mudge. Are you there Matt?

MATT: Hellooo from Beijing guys! And we've got very exciting news for you today. I'm here, in Olympic Village. All the Australian athletes have gone now, but I've discovered something very exciting. It's a tap that hasn't been turned off quite as hard as it should have by our Olympic athletes, and it may be about to drip!

[CAPTION RUNNING ALONG THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN: TAP TOUCHED BY OLYMPIC CHAMPIONS ON VERGE OF DRIPPING]

KOCHY:That's amazing! It could have been touched by one of our own athletes!

MATT: That's right - it could even have been touched by our Angel in the Pool, Stephanie Rice!

[CAPTION: TAP COULD HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY STEPHANIE RICE]

KOCHY:And Matt, what are your thoughts when you look upon this tap?

MATT: Well it's just amazing isn't it. It's a very special experience. I feel privileged, no, perhaps blessed would be the better word to put it, just to be here, in this spot, where our Olympic athletes were. It makes me want to be a better man.

KOCHY: Unusual for you Matt. Okay, we're going to quickly cut back to another part of Olympic Village, where another brave Channel Seven reporter has discovered something very interesting indeed!

MATT: Okay. We'll be right here, watching the tap!

KOCHY: Right! Crossing now to Joanna Jumble, who is with us now in another part of the Olympic Village.

JOANNA: Hi there Kochy! And do you know, it's amazing, I have found an Australian sock. It's been left over here by one of our brave, bold athletes!

KOCHY: Wow! That's an amazing find Joanna! Is it - is it smelly?

JOANNA: It's quite odorous. Yes. It is smelly.

[CAPTION: SMELLY AUSTRALIAN SOCK BY OLYMPIC CHAMPIONS FOUND]

KOCHY: And could you describe to us how you're feeling at the moment, Joanna?

JOANNA: Quite... quite emotional, actually. I've just been having some quiet moments with the sock. It's been a hard journey for this sock, but being touched by those holy feet, whoever the feet belonged to...

KOCHY: One of our Aussie heroes, Joanna. There's no other way to put it.

JOANNA: Yes. To think that this sock touched the feet of one of our heroes, well, it's very touching.

[CAPTION: SOCK TOUCHES THE HEARTS OF MILLIONS OF AUSTRALIANS]

KOCHY: That's quite special, Joanna! Let's go to our studio guest now, Dr Karl Kruzelnizcki, to ask for his opinions about the sock. Hi Karl.

KARL: Hi Kochy. How are you?

KOCHY: I feel privileged to have seen the sock. But how about you? Do you believe it is possible to ever know which of our brave athletes wore this special Olympic sock?

KARL: Well now. That's an interesting question. We could of course trace the DNA of the owner, but did you know that each human foot possesses it's own unique smell that we could trace the owner by? All we'd need, really, to find the Olympian who wore that sock would be to give it a good smell.

KOCHY: If only I were there now!

KARL: Yes, Kochy.

KOCHY: I'm incredibly excited! But now, we have to cross back to Matt, who apparently is on the verge of a very important story...

MATT: Yes, Hi Kochy! And it's amazing. I believe the sock may be on the verge of dripping. I BELIEVE THE SOCK MAY BE ON THE VERGE OF DRIPPING!

[CAPTION: IMPORTANT TAP DRIPS, LIVE ON CHANNEL 7, OR WEBCAM]

KOCHY: I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WITH EXCITEMENT!

MATT: All eyes are now on the tap.

(Silence for a while)

KOCHY: Well. It's taking it's time in getting there, isn't it?

MATT: Yes, but if we can just train the cameras in further, I think we'll see...

KOCHY: Oh. I see. We've got a few other stories to read out here.... Earthquake in Russia, kills hundreds... war breaks out in US, possibly world war three... Osama Bin Laden caught, bla bla... whatever, back to the tap. Is there ANYTHING HAPPENING?

[CAPTION: TERRIBLE TRAGEDY OR STUNNING VICTORY OF SOME SORT HAPPENS AT SOME POINT IN THE WORLD, NOT SURE WHERE, SEE NEWS TONIGHT FOR DETAILS. ALSO: OLYMPIC TAP ON VERGE OF DRIPPING!]

MATT: Yes! There is a definite gleam there! If you can see the water just starting to form...

KOCHY: YOU'RE SEEING IT RIGHT HERE ON CHANNEL SEVEN, FOLKS!

MATT: It's coming... it's coming...

KOCHY: AND THERE IT IS! IT DRIPS!

MATT: THOSE LAST PRECIOUS DROPS OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE THAT SUSTAINED OUR BRAVE AUSTRALIAN CHAMPIONS FOR SO MANY DAYS!

[CAPTION: TAP DRIPS]

KOCHY: And HOW DO YOU FEEL, Matt? HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED?

MATT: Well, ignoring the inevitable feelings that I've wasted my life... I feel GREAT, mate! I'm just so glad to have been here for that moment!

KOCHY: Let's replay some footage of all the precious memories we have shared with this wonderful Olympic tap.

[MONTAGE OF SHOTS OF THE TAP DRIPPING, WITH BACKING MUSIC - ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S 'MEMORIES', MELDING INTO FREDDY MERCURY'S 'WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS'.]

MATT: Yes, the tap has dripped, ladies and gentlemen. The tap. has. dripped.

KOCHY: Okay. And Kevin Rudd has just called in with a statement about the tap. He says 'The hearts and minds of all Australians are with this champion little tap that has been touched by our Australian heroes.' Couldn't have put it better myself. We'll be right back. Viewer poll after the break, possibly involving a tap.

[FADE OUT TO ADS AS MORE FREDDY MERCURY PLAYS, FOOTAGE OF TAP]

2 comments:

Mild Colonial Boy, Esq. said...

Thank god you waited until after the Olympics were over before saying this - You really don't want to give these Numpties any ideas.

TimT said...

Ideas? Who needs 'em - when you can run a hour-long news show at an airport as breaking news!

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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