I've just come back from the markets where I had been using the shopping trolley from hell. As I wheeled it over the smooth floor, it lurched, at sudden and unpredictable intervals, to the left, sometimes attempting to take out other passengers or small children. In this day and age of computers and the electric light, one would expect the technology of evil shopping trolleys would be well known. Sadly, the problem of evil shopping trolleys persists in today's society. Therefore, as a public service, I have decided to consider the problem here on my blog, and propose some solutions myself.
EVIL SHOPPING TROLLEYS: A SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS
EXPLANATION 1: The shopping trolley has been taken on a joy ride late at night by drunken staff members, who persistently did wheelies from left-to-right. The trolley is therefore attempting to unspin itself by its own efforts.
SOLUTION: Take the shopping trolley on a right-to-left joy ride until the constant left-lean is taken out of the wheels. (PROBLEM: this may cause the shopping trolley to become spun in the opposite direction, causing similar difficulties for the next customer. ANOTHER PROBLEM: This may interfere with the other customers too.)
EXPLANATION 2: The evil shopping trolley really is from hell, and is doing the evil bidding of Satan by attempting to slaughter all the customers, including yourself.
SOLUTION: Contact your local parish priest and get them to send a sternly worded letter to the minions of hell, asking them to please cease and desist from outsourcing their evil shopping trolleys to the local markets.
EXPLANATION 3: You are in fact in telepathic communion with your evil shopping trolley, and it is attempting to lead you somewhere.
SOLUTION: Let the shopping trolley take you where it wants to, and you may find a waterhole, or gold, etc. (PROBLEM: You may have a slight difficulty if the trolley attempts to take you outside the supermarket. The staff may not look upon your explanation kindly. Try this: "No, really! I'm a scientist!" Running away also sometimes helps.)
EXPLANATION 4: The evil shopping trolley, in its constant lurches to the left, demonstrates its ideological affinity with socialism, communism, or some form of progressive politics.
SOLUTION: Sit down with the shopping trolley, patiently explain to it the difficulties that progressive politicians have with economic management, and the intrusive effect on personal liberties that the implementation of seemingly important progressive initiatives can have. Read several passages from Hayek, Mises, Adam Smith, Edmund Burke, and so on, in an attempt to rectify its left-ward leanings. (NOTE: There may be a possible link between EXPLANATION 4 and EXPLANATION 2. However, as it is not entirely clear which party Satan votes for, this knotty theological and ideological problem will have to be debated at a later date.)
Of course, a simpler solution would be to get another shopping trolley.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2017 (30)
- ► 2016 (71)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- Comments about unrelated but terribly important ma...
- Smarmy doggerel Saturday
- Where's Wally - the existential version
- Four playlets
- Reader quiz! Can you spot the spelling mistake?
- Drip drip
- If Napoleon did it, why can't I?
- Ooh, we're deep today, our Edith
- Animals that work with humans!
- Fillums schmillums
- The process of natural rejection
- You can't get much smaller than that
- Smoker's voice
- Now he belongs to the ages, again
- Less-than thrilling adventures with dubious morals...
- Pitchers at an exhibition
- Red Bullshit
- I give it five stars for the gigantic amoebic plas...
- Spirit of dumb
- Take a fillip from Phillip to make Philip
- A point
- Respectable scientific analysis of a common proble...
- Emission by emission is the leading cause of emiss...
- Rub the screen for luck
- Historical record of events of pressing concern
- Complaints and feedback to the Department of Badne...
- Repression by spoon
- Whoring Selling Australia
- Headlines from the Identity Theft Times
- Bigfoot shmigfoot
- Short story
- Two poems about clouds
- ▼ August (33)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- ► 2005 (287)