kidattypewriter

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Disaster strikes in the wrong place!

ALICE SPRINGS - Huge landslides outside town this morning might have nearly killed people if they had been closer, and could have almost disrupted houses if they had been nearby.

Shaken locals, who remain unhurt by this disaster that luckily struck in the wrong place, have spoken to WTFF of the wave of fear and horror that struck them when hearing of this disaster.
"I was at work when I heard about it," comments June. "If I hadn't been at work, and I had been elsewhere, that elsewhere possibly being out of town, then I very nearly might have been killed."
"It was just shocking to hear that if my house was on the other side of town and the landslide had been just ten kilometres closer, then I might concievably have been on the verge of almost losing everything. Though I was out shopping at the time, anyway."

Local authorities have issued a statement saying "this disaster that could nearly have wreaked havoc if it had been closer is almost certainly too close for comfort, and we will certainly do something important about it sometime."

However, a shopkeeper who wishes to remain unnamed has expressed his gratitude. "It's about time a disaster happened in the wrong place. We should have more accidental disasters like it."

SYDNEY - A woman yesterday dropped a feather on her foot which, if it had been bigger, and made out of concrete, and she hadn't moved her foot out of the way in time, would quite possibly have hurt or wounded her. The woman, who wishes to be known only as 'Tina', is currently in counselling.

However, experts at Sydney University point out that if the feather had been a knife, and if the knife had been pointing downwards instead of upwards, then Tina's foot may have been cut, and the accidental disaster that occured may have been accidentally very disastrous indeed.

In addition, WTFF believes that further investigation is required into the possibility that the feather may have been a lump of plutonium which may have exploded on being dropped. If this had been the case, then the catastrophe that occured would have been positively tragic.

In the tradition of all great journalism, we will be further delving into these extremely remote possibilities of disaster in the days and weeks to come.

INSIDE: OPINION COLUMN - "It's high time the government did something about relatively unlikely accidents involving household furniture with potentially destructive consequences."

PORT STEPHENS - Disaster struck the town's weekly paper when near tragedy struck the town two days after the paper's deadline. The near tragedy - a flood which could, if it had been higher, potentially have caused property damage, and if it had been more violent, possibly caused drowning - failed to occur on schedule, forcing editors and journalists at the paper to scramble for news. Also, it wasn't much of a flood either - someone's lawn just got a bit mooshy.

Thankfully, the almost tragic lack of near-tragedy was avoided at the last moment when a second cousin of the editor's dog lost a hair pin that could very easily have been an item of jewellery worth a million dollars, just in time for the deadline.

Also, thanks to quick thinking, the editor was able to arrange for the 600th anniversary of the battle of Agincourt to be moved forward a few years and several months to coincide with the paper's deadline, at only minor inconvenience to the now dead participants.

WTFF - THE MOST DISASTROUS NEWS SOURCE IN THE COUNTRY! (And proud of it!)

9 comments:

Tim Mulligan said...

I was reading your blog and nearly fell off my chair. Luckily, I was standing up.

TimT said...

Well that just proves my point. Something should be done about this before someone else like you doesn't get hurt.

Jeremy said...

Talking of fortunate escapes and ignoring the point you were making entirely, I discovered this this morning whilst checking out how likely it was that we'd all be wiped out by the LHC tomorrow morning - talk about a lucky avoidance! And in 2002! And no-one had any idea it was coming!

I'll stop there as I've run out of exclamation marks.

TimT said...

I'm more than a little flattered by the suggestion that I wrote this piece with a point in mind. That's a fascinating little Wikipedia article, though on the discussion page I note there is a bit of debate over whether the event was all that - (ie, whether the explosion on populated land really would have catastrophic force).

Tim Mulligan, I notice that in my reply to you I inadvertently made a comment that could be read as an insult! Well, if you can't accidentally insult people while blogging I don't know when you can accidentally insult them. But my apologies.

Maria said...

Hmmm - I often think like this. Especially the feather on the foot one. I was carrying a pair of scissors and they didn't slip and fall but I kept thinking that if they did, it would have been terrible, and worse still if they had fallen and I had fallen too, and if they had been facing upwards they could have pierced my heart or my eye.

But they didn't.

But it just shows you shouldn't carry scissors. In fact you shouldn't do anything, you should stay in bed all day. Oh no you shouldn't because someone might have planted a bomb under your bed and you really would have regretted not having been elsewhere.

damn.

TimT said...

I think the army should hire you as a strategic advisor, Maria. What with your hypothesis about bombs-under-beds and what not, you'd be sure to provide them with heaps of excellent advice. After all, the whole point of defence strategy is to prepare for what you don't expect.

wanderer said...

I nearly saw a snake this morning. I nearly see lots of things, but not the point about nearly not being good enough. Nearly with snakes is very good enough.

TimT said...

Ah, nearly snakes. One of the joys of the Australian bush. Especially when you're out walking with friends. "There's nearly a snake behind you!"

Tim Mulligan said...

A comment was made and I was nearly offended and I didn't even realise it!! Things are getting really dangerous. What else is nearly offending me?! Jeremy said something about an LHC. I don't know what that is. Should I be insulted? Should he? Did he really run out of exclamation marks? Maybe I'm running out of question marks? Do you think this is possible

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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