NOT SO NICE BUBBLES
SCENE: The returns desk at a large supermarket. MRS JONES walks up to the desk, with a six year old child holding her hand, and a packet of Rice Bubbles in her other hand. Behind the desk sits a small department store DRONE (Mr Drone to you - at least, that's what it says on his name badge) with glasses, typing some meaningless phrase into a computer.
DRONE: (Typing) F332a1. Enter. Next cell. Done! (Looks up) Hello madam, how may I help you?
MRS JONES: Yes, good morning, Mr Drone. I wish to complain about a defective product.
DRONE: Ah. And what might that be?
MRS JONES: This packet of Rice Bubbles. We weren't happy with this product, were we, James? What do you have to say to the nice man?
JAMES JONES (MRS JONES' child): I wish to register my disappointment and make a complaint. It's not fair. Can I go now?
DRONE: Well... (sounding uncertain) It looks all right from here. (Peers in top). They're Rice Bubbles all right... no apparent contamination...
MRS JONES: No, no, Mr Drone. You see, I didn't notice the problem until I poured out some breakfast for little James here. It specifies quite clearly on the packet that the Rice Bubbles are supposed to go 'Snap, Crackle and Pop'. See, it says so right here. 'Snap, Crackle and Pop'. Rice Bubbles without the 'Snap, Crackle and Pop' would hardly be Rice Bubbles, now, would they? So when I poured these out and put some milk in, I was quite surprised to find...
DRONE: That there was no 'Snap, Crackle, and Pop'?
MRS JONES: NONE AT ALL! In fact, it was closer to 'Crap, Snackle and Flop'.
DRONE: Hmmm. This is an unusual problem.
MRS JONES: UNUSUAL? How would you like to find 'Crap, Snackle and Flop' when you expected to have 'Snap, Crackle and Pop', Drone?
JAMES JONES: I wish to register my complaint and make a disappointment. Mummy, why is that man wearing glasses? I need to go to the toilet.
DRONE: Not very much at all. Let's perform a test and see if we can get your Rice Bubbles in working order.
(Mrs Jones proffers the breakfast cereal wordlessly to Drone)
DRONE: (Pours out a bowl of Rice Bubbles and takes some milk out of a fridge behind him, which he pours in the cereal).
(All is silent as DRONE, MRS JONES, AND JAMES JONES listen to the cereal).
RICE BUBBLES: CRAP! SNACKLE! FLOP! SNACKLESNACKLE! FLOP! CRAPSNACKLE! FLOP!
DRONE: Hmmm. An unusual problem.
MRS JONES: Indeed, Drone.
DRONE: I suppose the manufacturers made a mistake. Perhaps some componentry broke down when they were putting it together...
MRS JONES: Yes, but what I want to know is, ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
DRONE: Well I apologise greatly, madam. We're sorry that this has happened to you. Secondly, I'm not sure what we can do about the lack of 'Snap, Crackle and Pop'. We seem to be all out, sorry - all our available parts have gone into the boxes of cereal over there in the breakfast department. But I do have some extra ZING left from the Nutri Brits...
MRS JONES: I'm not interested in extra ZING, Drone. I just want my money's worth of 'Snap, Crackle and Pop'. Nothing more. Nothing less.
JAMES JONES: I wish to complain my registering. Mummy, can we go home? I'm hungry.
MRS JONES: Soon, Jimmy, soon.
DRONE: Well madam, how about some added FLOOPILACIOUSNESS?
MRS JONES: No. I just want my 'Snap, Crackle and...'
DRONE: And 'Pop'. Certainly, Mrs Jones. I understand your disappointment. However, all we can do is add some GLAZABAM to the cereal. Believe me, you can't go wrong with an extra GLAZABAM.
MRS JONES: 'Snap, Crackle and Pop', please. 'Snap, Crackle, and Pop'.
DRONE: I'll throw in the FLOOPALACIOUSNESS and ZING as well. GLAZABAM, FLOOPALACIOUSNESS and ZING. How about it?
MRS JONES: Well ... (wavering)
DRONE: Believe me, ma'am, you can't go wrong with GLAZABAM, FLOOPALACIOUSNESS and ZING. They make an excellent complement to 'Crap, Snackle and Flop'. Really.
MRS JONES: Can we try a little?
DRONE: Certainly! (Takes the relevant parts out of the cupboard below him and sprinkles it on the cereal)
RICE BUBBLES: (Sound changes gradually as Drone empties the GLAZABAM, FLOOPALACIOUSNESS and ZING over it) CRAP! SNACKLYSNACKLYFLOP! FLOPLY SNACKLE! CRAPPLE! CLAZABAM! FLOPOOPILACIOUSNESS! ZINGZINGZINGZING!
MRS JONES: (Bent over cereal, listening intently) I must admit, Drone, I'm impressed.
JAMES JONES: Mummy! I'm hungry!
MRS JONES: (Looks at cereal, looks at child) Oh, all right. There you go Jimmy. Finish that off. (Gives bowl of cereal to him)
JAMES JONES: Mmmm! (Eats cereal contentedly).
MRS JONES: We'll take it.
DRONE: Certainly, madam. (Adds the parts to the Rice Bubbles packet, shakes it up a bit, perhaps to clanging metallic sounds, then hands back to Mrs Jones).
MRS JONES: Come on, Jimmy. (Takes child's hands and they depart from desk).
DRONE: (Calling after her). Not a problem, madam! (Turning to customer standing behind Mrs Jones). Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?
CUSTOMER: Yes. It's this bottled water... (Taking it out of his pocket) I didn't realise it at the time, but I bought this bottled water off the shelf and left the bottle behind. I wonder if you could find a replacement bottle, because otherwise, I'm just not sure where to put this water, and ...
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