While it is unfortunately true, our trains haven't been arriving nowhere and getting nowhere quite according to the timetables lately, we are always striving to better our record at delivering excellent customer service in the field of nothing. Therefore, we expect to double our services to nowhere in the coming months.
It is also lamentably true that our trains haven't been travelling quite as fast from nowhere to nowhere as we have set out in our performance guidelines, but with the latest technology, we hope to be travelling nowhere even faster, and we promise to get you nowhere in... oh, about an hour or so.
Don't set your watch by it, though.
And if all else fails, remember our company slogan:
"At least we're almost better than Connex!"