Believe it or not, life's not all sex scandals, murder, war, muck-raking, necrophilia, greed, cash-digging, and gigantic flashy shiny towers. Studies performed by the mainstream media reveal that many individuals lead a life of such humdrum banality that they don't even make the midday news.
And it's just possible that the most humdrum and banal of them all could be this man. His name is Wilfrid Fleng, and he lives in Cabramatta, Sydney.
A boring man
While celebrities lead a life of fantastic gaudiness, snorting gold dust and coke off the prosthetically enhanced tits of bronzed transexual nubians, Mr Fleng lists his interests as television, cricket, and gardening.
Indeed, the details of Fleng's existence are so tiresomely ordinary that we would not even be repeating them now except to highlight the fabulous contrast with the live's of beautiful celebrities, who fill our media everyday with their hilarious hijinks, affairs, zillion dollar divorces, rapes, and so forth.
Pitifully, Fleng has not any rapes or sex scandals to detail in his sordidly uneventful history, and therefore has not been noticed, which is the worst thing that could have happened to him.
Also, while the Arabs recently erected the tallest building in the world in Dubai, thus proving their ability to make significant achievements in the areas of gigantic phallic symbols with flashing lights on them, the highest thing that Fleng has ever erected in his life has been his backyard shed.
More boring men
Clearly, something should be done now to make the horrendously dull and disgustingly ordinary lives of millions of people less horrendously dull and disgustingly ordinary, starting with people like Wilfrid Fleng. Over the weeks and months to come, the Daily Schmuckraker will be doing its best to bring sordid sex affairs, death, murder, and scandal into the otherwise pathetic and uninteresting life of people like Fleng. It's the least we can do.
The Daily Schmuckraker returns tomorrow with our regular feature: genetically modified anuses of the rich and famous.