kidattypewriter

Monday, March 08, 2010

Racist biscuits!

Today, I made some Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits. You know, Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits, just like your mother or grandmother made? Of course, you can also call them Anzac biscuits - either way is fine with me. Anyway, they're pretty bloody fantastic.

I should just note, at this juncture, that if others suggest that I made biscuits today to get out of other, more disagreeable tasks, like vacuuming, or taking the washing off the line, or doing the dishes, they would be making vile slander and slanderous calumniations, and they would also be right. Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits are good that way.

Typically, you make Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits if you want to participate in brash and vulgar expressions of Australian nationalism by affirming the use of international violence against other nations. As an added bonus, they're pretty tasty, too. Other ways of doing this would be by getting an Australian flag tattoo, hanging Australian flags in your window, purchasing iconic Pro Hart paintings of iconic kangaroos doing iconic things like boxing, and singing all the words to the Australian National Anthem, especially the verses that no-one else sings. But Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits are by far the tastiest of all these methods*.

You can find the recipe for these biscuits all over the internet, at horribly racist websites like Aussie Info, Taste.com.au, Bestrecipes.com.au, or ABC. It doesn't look like some of those websites are horribly racist, ostensibly, until you remember that they're telling you how to cook Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits. So that's a relief. Basically, it involves quantities of rolled oats, sugar, coconut, and flour mixed in together, and added to some golden syrup, melted butter, boiled water, and bicarbonate of soda. That's pretty racist, all right.

I suppose one of these days I should give up on cooking Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuits, racism being wrong and all that. But I don't know. I mean, it's not as if Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has apologised to the world for the creation of the Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony Biscuit recipe, is it? No. No it is not.

Mmm, tasty tasty racism.

*Hypothetically speaking, I suppose if Pro Hart ever cooked a bunch of biscuits in the shape of iconic boxing kangaroos, and those biscuits turned out to be tasty, that would be pretty patriotic too, but they still wouldn't be as tasty as Evil Jingoistic Celebration of Our Participation in the Global Military-Industrial Complex Hegemony AKA Anzac Biscuits.

6 comments:

Dan the VespaMan said...

I'd just like to express a defence for the good name and reputation of "Golden Syrup". Yes indeed the rolled oats and bicarb of soda are bad eggs, ingredients that frequently lead others astray, and even coconut has a few issues. But "Golden Syrup" is simply lovely, not evil at all.

TimT said...

Just you try finding Golden Syrup on the shelves overseas. You won't be able to. That's because it's made solely for the pleasure of Australians, and also, it's RACIST!

Tasty though. Very very tasty.

Liam said...

I understand the actual term for oats and honey used in the American South is "Hegemony Grits". For what it's worth.

TimT said...

To be eaten presumably during the festival of Hegemony.

Mitzi G Burger said...

Boxing is iconic, ironic, hystrionic, platonic and above all Byronic. I will pit my skills against any iconic kangaroo any day. Two up anyone?

TimT said...

Burger Biffs a Boomer! It's Thunder down Under!

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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