ALBANY PRIMARY SCHOOL, SATURDAY - Scandal has once again erupted during the election campaign, when Opposition Leader Tony Abbott uttered a definite article in the course of a press conference. The fatal 'the' occurred after Abbott had feasted on the brains of several journalists, offered up the heart of Annabel Crabb as a sacrifice to his zombie-demon master, and delivered copies of his just-announced education policies to the rest, and drooled witlessly over Albany School floor.
Commentators are now saying that the occurrence of Abbott's 'the' has called into question his fitness to lead, his ability to understand women voters, his integrity, the consistency of his policies, and his talents at witless drooling while saying nothing of substance whatsoever. Political advocacy group GetUp! has already released a five minute video of women saying the definite article 'the' over and over again in a patronising tone, and several union and Labor attack ads are also said to be on the way.
However, the attention of the media may already have been distracted due to the release of yet leaked Labor document. The document, apparently transcripts of a Labor cabinet meeting, feature several Cabinet members screaming in a horrified and tortured fashion, and Gillard and Rudd gargling meaninglessly as they feast on their carcasses. According to several media reports, the Labor leak calls into question Labor's stability, capability of dealing with fine policy details, its economic credentials, and commitment to whatever it is that cannibalistic monsters with anthropophagic tendencies are supposed to be committed to.
Whatever the public may conclude about all these definite articles, Labor leaks, et cetera, one thing is clear: Australian democracy is the real winner.
UPDATE! - While we're talking politics, this just occurred to me: since Julia Gillard's so eager for debates, why doesn't she debate herself? Real Julia v. Fake Julia. I'd watch it.
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