kidattypewriter

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Smellbourne

The best chunder I ever saw was a bright pink one, splattered neatly onto one of the steps of the Flinders Street railway station, underneath the clocks. Of course I have no way of knowing if that was an actual chunder, and not just a Jackson Pollock inspired abstract expression of bodily fluids, tinctured with the best paint colourings and raspberry cordial available, but then that's what makes living in Melbourne so cool and edgy and sophisticated, isn't it?

My mind drifted back to that when I saw this article in the Herald Sun this morning:
CITY streets are on the nose: tests reveal many of them smell as bad as a farmyard.

The shocking findings have prompted a disgusted Melborune[sic] Lord Mayor Robert Doyle to demand urinating revellers clean up their act.

International-standard tests conducted exclusively for the Herald Sun Public Defender have found urine, garbage and even the smell of sewage is turning streets and laneways rancid.

The results come barely a month after Melbourne was named the world's most liveable city.
They were talking about this on radio this morning, too, and someone suggested that they use CCTV to put a 'name and shame' file of offenders on the web.

CCTV, you say?

More like Wee Wee TV.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all night.

UPDATE! - If such a CCTV policy were put into place in NZ, of course, it would be Kiwiweeweetv, or possibly Iwiweeweetv.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a PhD in Olfactory Nuances and Not so Subtle Ordurings..I am currently writing a book, which hopefully will be published by Pong Press next year...I have travelled to 87 countries testing my nostrils against the wayward afflictions of every smell possible. I am keen to come to Melbourne, and explore the rich chunderings, faecal depositings, urinatory excrescences, and other flotsam and jetsam of smelly odours. I would love to meet you, and together do some serious sniffing in the back alleys of purified pong sniffing jouissance.

TimT said...

Doctor of Dung! I will sell you a pong for a song from the walls of St Paul's.

Legal Eagle said...

I have to say that when I was pregnant and working in the city, there were certain smelly alleyways I had to avoid lest the smell made me throw up and add to the smell therein...it could have been a vicious circle!

The word verification for this post is "pheuck". Somehow that sums it all up, really.

TimT said...

Maybe I could do some special investigation for this site - I'd go around to some city streets, sniff them out, and do a series of Blaaaaaaaaaaaaargh posts.

Anonymous said...

I believe in Japan there has been a Smellometer (C) developed, which operates much like the Geiger counter, except using human reactive noises ie
Lowest level - 'pwa'
Low level - 'uggh...yuk'
Middle Level - 'blimey, get me out of 'ere'
Upper Mid - 'cor, stone a duck, pwaaaah!'
High Level - 'hecky thump, yaaaa, pwuuuu'
Highest Level - a high pitched scream, something like ' waaayyaaaaawwayyyyyya'

regards,
Doctor Pong

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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