I was telling a joke to the Baron and it was not going well. "Knock knock", I said. "Would you like some sauce?" said the Baron. "No!" I said. "Knock Knock!"
Not an uncommon experience, I suppose, telling jokes that don't seem to get anywhere. But does anyone have quite as much skill at telling jokes that don't get anywhere near as pointlessly as I do? Earlier at the Dan, I had tried out this one: "Doctor, doctor, I have a minute to live! NO, WAIT, THAT'S WRONG... Doctor, doctor, I have 59 seconds to live! Wait a minute."
"Who's there?" said the Baron. "Who!" I said. "Who who!" said the Baron. "Oh, wait, whoops, I stuffed that bit up, let's go back," I said. "Knock knock...."
Worst of all are the jokes in which you ask a person a question, and require them to answer that question in a certain way, but you are not allowed to tell them to answer the question in a certain way or it spoils them. I have never been able to tell the one that goes, "What are you eating under there? Under where? UNDERWEAR? You're eating UNDERWEAR? My goodness, that's disgusting!" properly. No-one ever seems to answer in the way that you'd expect them too:
Q: What are you eating under there?
A: I'm not eating anything.
A: I'm eating it on the top of the table, thanks.
A: Under this, you mean?
A: Oh, I know that one, that's a good one!
A: What, sorry?
The Baron tried it out on me once, and I neatly sidestepped her line of questioning by answering: 'Underpants.' (I have actually eaten underwear, you know. Everyone should try it at least once*.)
"Who's there?" said the Baron. "To!" I said. "To who?" said the Baron. "To whom, surely." I cried victoriously. And we both fell into an uncomfortable silence that was eventually broken when Agatha the Chook wandered around from the back garden and started pecking determinedly at the window.
But anyway, it makes you wonder what mistakes I'll get up to next. How many ways can you get a joke wrong? "Why did the road cross the chicken?" "Why was the chicken cross?" Why did the road cross the road?" "Why was the cross chicken?" "Why was the chicken from Rhodes crossing the Australian, Englishman and Irishman for, and what did the magic slide have to do with it?" Blimey, it just gets worse and worse.
What's wrong with uncomfortable silences, anyway? Maybe I like uncomfortable silences.
*That really is true. My brother got some once as a joke present and we all had a taste. He didn't wear them. I don't think he wore them, anyway.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- Three years of Badger's Dozen
- Variations on a theme
- A philosophical moment with Timothy Train
- What disturbs our blood
- Send a social worker for the social networker
- The bloodcurdling battle between man and paper bag...
- The rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and r...
- Communications devolution
- Piffolous poffolous
- Train things
- How many of you...
- Problems are no problems with me!
- This song goes out to a certain chicken mumma out ...
- I'll leave you with this thought
- Getting away from the people who get away from it ...
- Iron chicken
- An ambivalent poem about sweat
- Itch glitch
- Oh, boy! Larson again!
- The meaning of blife
- Adventures in interactive blogs
- Not-so-happy anymore
- Pink punk think thunk
- I'd rather an uncomfortable silence than an uncomf...
- Thinkly thunkly
- Put down the handkerchief and step slowly away fro...
- Ah, the bucolic charms of our domestic life
- Almost as good
- Right message, wrong audience
- That time of year again
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